How do I work on this? I feel so unworthy of any positive regard or acceptance. Incapable of living up to expectations.

[Teasel]

I'm carrying a very heavy burden and I really want to take it off. It's not easy to talk about or describe particularly well and it feels complex. It has to do with abuse I've had most of my life and the c-PTSD, and also to do with being autistic / adhd and not knowing I was till past 50 years of age too.

There's stuff about me not knowing how to do healthy or neurotypical relationships/ friendships/ conversations. And stuff about unhealthy coping things. And something called rejection sensitive dysphoria. And having been bullied / shunned / looked at as a weirdo a heck of a lot through my life. My innocent nature being taken advantage of, a lit of abuse, esp from men.

I am by now pretty frightened of people, yet do dearly want friends, wish I had family too. I do have a brother but he doesn't appear to want anything to do with me, is very cold towards me.

There was a lot of me being publicly humiliated by my ex over the years.

There was a lot of me binge drinking in social situations. I rarely have any alcohol now at all.though it's also true that I am very rarely around anyone other than my ex.

There is a lot more to do with this I expect but I can't think clearly

I feel so unworthy of any positive regard or acceptance from other human beings. I don't feel capable of living up to anyone's expectations of what a human being should be like.

On one hand I don't feel like I deserve to get this burden off me but on the other I can't live with it either.

I feel so hurt by people too.
Thanks for any kind words

 

[MrMoonlight]

Forget the expectations you put on yourself T. Big love and hugs

 

[Movingforward10]

wish I had family too

This is very deep. This wish. I wonder if it ever goes away?

do dearly want friends

this is achievable. You have many here online.

don't feel capable of living up to anyone's expectations of what a human being should be like.

You are a human. You relate To others. You know what kindness is, you sure it to others here time and time again, and I’m so grateful for it and you.
whose expectations are these?

feel so unworthy of any positive regard or acceptance from other human beings

maybe this is what to focus on. You feeling unworthy. you are worthy.

 

[OliveJewel]

Sorry you’re in the grinder. Have you checked out Tara Brach? She developed a strategy specifically for dealing with unworthiness.

I know your ex can easily trigger you into a dark place. Could this current state be related to all the time and energy you’ve been giving him? Not saying everything is perfect for you when he’s out of the picture, but perhaps there’s been a change in your available spoons?

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Teasel there is so much of this I relate to you could barely know. I hope this makes sense as I too find it very difficult to express what I mean.

I think you have been through so much for years and contend with so much:

being autistic / adhd and not knowing I was till past 50 years of age too.

having been bullied / shunned / looked at as a weirdo a heck of a lot through my life. My innocent nature being taken advantage of, a lit of abuse,

being publicly humiliated by my ex over the years.

How would you feel about a friend who revealed this to you? If anyone's expectations, neurotypical or otherwise do not understand the great gravity of what you've just revealed, then I would say they really don't understand and their expectations are moot.

I am by now pretty frightened of people,

^^ I totally understand this also. I just heard this course (well a series of them) that said post-trauma many people take many many years to trust even a single person again. It is very normal.

wish I had family too.

^^ I understand this, and with friends. As I get older I realize more the saying, If you die having enough really good friends to count on your thumbs you have done very well indeed. It is substance and quality, but also seems to me people understand or don't. I think if 'neurotypicals' comprised the minority they would feel exactly the same as you do as regards that. But not being typical I think is wonderful. Part of what makes you very special. In your tribe (as here) your qualities shine through greatly. Not just saying that, as I know you go hard on yourself thinking you have to give back more. Your secret is just being yourself. And it is more wonderful and kind than you can see. Many times you were the one who reached out to me and bolstered me up with a kind word, and understanding. I am very grateful to and for you.

rejection sensitive dysphoria.

^^ This is a big part too. But I think for some people it is somewhat alleviated by 1 or 2 medications- suggesting it's also neurobiologically mediated perhaps. But, better to be too sensitive than not at all, especially if you can help address it with direct communication. .And even 'QTIP" (Quit Taking It Personal). You are a delicate soul. Delicate souls move and change the world.

There's stuff about me not knowing how to do healthy or neurotypical relationships/ friendships/ conversations

I'd stick with who gets it. It's ok to not fit in, especially where you wouldn't really want to. You probably would be bored in a heartbeat. And that is being true to yourself. You won't feel that way with others who understand and equally value that you do. Nothing wrong with them, but nothing wrong with you either. It's just a difference.

Feeling unworthy of any positive regard or acceptance from other human beings. or incapable of living up to anyone's expectations of what a human being should be is a horrible feeling to have. But whoever defined this idea of what a human being 'should be' is missing the diamond in a pile of coal. I think opinions other than your person should have weight. I think there's a lot of people who feel just like you do and wish they could befriend a person exactly as you are, and they would for once feel home. I suppose the feelings-aren't-facts thing shows us we can truly be taught/ experience/ feel we are unjustified being a human, existing, or reaching out. But that doesn't make it true, it's only a guise. People here need you, I need you, many others do and will. And not need to use, need to share with and go through this stuff together, the good the bad and the ugly. And have some joy. (Lots)

Hugs to you sweet Teasel.

 

[Teasel]

Ever so grateful for what you've all said to me. It's absolutely right that my available spoons have been very few indeed since his op.

Sorry I can't reply properly yet, but I wanted to say thank you so much

 

[Survivor3]

Hello @Teasel, I asked on your profile how you were but after reading this thread I see that question is answered. I'm sorry to hear how you are. I also used to feel exactly like this. And what changed that was giving myself permission to "love myself" to "feel confident" about loving myself. Because once you can do that then love spreads.

You are a wonderful person with "verve, passion, intelligence and charisma".

Also, I don't know what meds your on, or whether they're working for you, but what really, really helped for me was taking Escitalopram 20mg. It's been a game changer.

Wishing you the best T.

 

[Teasel]

Thanks @Survivor3 x