How Do People Respond To Your Trauma/Post-Trauma?

[tude]

I am interested in your experiences of sharing with others. How have people responded to you when you share your traumatic or post-traumatic experiences?

When I have tried to share with others, there has been times of uncomfortable silence followed by a change of subject. It's as if thinking about their own or their loved one's mortality is too much. This has even been the case with people I work with and who share the same experiences.

Last night I went to a 12-step meeting. I did this in spite of the weather to get out of myself, the pain, and to alleviate the loneliness. It has been suggested to me to journal and "share my feelings" to deal with the intense emotions. I felt comfortable enough with the two people there last night to try and practice sharing my feelings. I thought I made myself pretty clear as to how I was feeling, why, and how I used to use alcohol to deal with such intense emotions. It brought me to the brink of tears. I don't expect people to be able to relate to my death experiences at work. But you'd think they would be able to relate to feelings of helpless, fear, and sadness? Nope. It was such a joke to hear them try and relate to my work experience. In disbelief and frustration, I stopped listening. They continued to talk to each other while leaving me out of the conversation. I wasn't angry, just in disbelief. I can forgive their humaness and understand how feelings such as these are difficult to talk about. It did re-affirm to me that I should stick to sharing this stuff here, with a few friends, and my therapist. It also showed me how willing I am to take care of myself and deal with the pain.

 

[Don]

who to talk with?

How have people responded to you when you share your traumatic or post-traumatic experiences?

When I have tried to share with others, there has been times of uncomfortable silence followed by a change of subject. It's as if thinking about their own or their loved one's mortality is too much. This has even been the case with people I work with and who share the same experiences.

The only ones that have taken it in stride have been medical professionals (my family doctor, a physiotherapist, nurses and care workers), so I'm thinking those who have regular experience 'in the trenches' of dealing with patients of varied sorts, are likely the best ones to interact with, even if it's totally not their own field of study.

Yep, standoffishness and changing the subject are typical reactions I've been finding, even amongst fellow sufferers including family members who've been affected by the original trauma to a lesser degree.

That suggests to me that these sorts of topics are just not your everyday meat and potatoes types of things, that either some 'distance' is needed (like forum posting or chatting on the internet) with like sufferers and interested carers, or, sticking pretty much with medical professionals (in or out of this field) are our best bet at achieving some sort of safety valve for talking about what we need to say.

Don

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I'm not sure if I understand what you go through, but I'm sure I would try too if you spoke to me. Maybe it's because I suffered something close to what you have to deal with. I have to admit it scares me to try and imagine being in your shoes.

I've had similar experiences when I have tried to tell people about my father being murdered. I found his body after it laid in the heat for almost two days. No one wants to hear about that part, it's to painful I guess.

I get frustrated but I try not to hold it against anyone because it scares them like it scares me. I hope you can work this issue out. Maybe it is best to take Don's advice and keep those issues at work or here on the forum to avoid frustration.

I don't want to get off of the topic but I want to share something that happened recently that may help you understand other people's behavior.

In the past I have always listen to people when they tell me their problems and have never told them to stop, changed the subject or ran from them. But this last Christmas I did just that. My anniversary date of my rape is December 18. On Christmas Eve my sister-in-law busted out with this happening of a man breaking into her apartment and trying to rape and kill her. She started to give details and I came out of my skin and told her "enough I cant handle it".

I felt bad, but it brought a flashback to me because her story was almost like mine and in the same time frame. It freaked me out bad and there were about 10 people sitting at the table. I almost fainted after seeing everyone sitting there under the bright light while I'm reliving my trauma.

I think some times people just can't cope with these issues and we have to forgive them. I hope she will forgive me and not be frustrated because I stopped her from telling her story.

I did come up to her later and told her it would be important to get therapy immediately and she said she was.

I Hope you feel better and find a positive outlet from your experiences where people will listen and really understand. And when they don't, maybe you can be in their shoes and think that maybe they are reliving what ever it is your talking about in order to alleviate your frustration with the perception of their inability to understand.

BTW I admire you for what you do. I think society doesn't acknowledge the medics and nurses enough when they save lives. Just know that I couldn't do your job, so hang in there and be proud of yourself :)

Take care
Tammy

 

[WorkingThruIt]

I have managed to fit my trauma into two, non-graphic sentences. I don't explain what it is like to feel like you are within minutes of death and the cascading effects that go with it. I also play down the symptoms because I am fairly certain that someone who has not gone through a trauma would not be able to understand. On the occasions that I have reached out to friends who didn't understand, I was met with statements like "You really need to let that go" or "You need to move on." Then for days, I want to go back and scream about how I would love to move on and don't they think I would have if I could.
I haven't spoken much about the trauma from 18 yrs ago until the last few years. I remember very well the last time I explained to someone when I was young. I was about 14 and told a girl at the school lunch table. I was shaking uncontrollably, but speaking calmly. I didn't look at her until I stopped speaking. She looked absolutely horrified and I felt guilty for exposing her to something so frightening. I don't think she said much more than "That must have been scary". I will never forget the look on her face. I can't even remember her name, but her face haunts me. I didn't tell the whole story for another 12 years.

I now keep it to the two sentences for those who have not been through something terrible. This is probably not the healthiest way of handling it, I understand that. But, neither is throttling the people that make insensitive statements.

 

[pandora]

Well i have been thinking a lot about this thread.....


My brother laughed in my face.
My mother told me stop living in the past...I know your little tricks and now totaly does not even acknowledge it when I say it.

The lady from church that took me in (when I asked her to the criminal injuries hearing) She said she couldn't be in he past, anyone's past) so she didn't go.

My ex wanted to know how long it was going to take because his ****** was going to fall off.

One of my best friends of 20 years after trying to help and support me finally just told me she gave up on me.

Now......I also have another 20 year old friend...we are still friends today.
My roommatae and best friend of 5 years supports me.
I have two cousins that are very understanding.
Also about three other people I can talk too openly about it but 2 live in enmonton...I see the other one about one time per month.

So anyway there are my experiences both good and bad. I am trying to just let the bad go and realize that I have a lot of people in my life right now and that is what counts. I think it makes it easier to stay in today.
My boss well...she just kept asking me to come back to work!

 

[dljwhitewolf]

Well my newly ex, doesn't know it yet, said to me I should not have told his friends I have c-ptsd - that's the end of him. It is who I am, I always let people know this about me, and what they may notice about me before I do. I am an open book. If someone doesn't like it, next. I don't need foolish folks in my world. Just those that are sincere and real.

Donna-Lynne

 

[Tryn2Forget]

I've had mixed reactions. Some friends (or I thought they were) couldn't handle it or flat out said I was lying. Others didn't know to cope, quit talking and avoid me. A few try to understand but get overwhelmed. Apparently because of the number of years I've had to live with PTSD, I've been able to build a facade to put up for people to see. In my therapy, even my Psychologist didn't understand the level of my suffering until he asked me to take the MMPI-2. It has changed my therapy. Because of his limited experience with the military, I have also chosen to see a Veteran's Outreach counselor as well. Working with both of them and signing HIPAA stmts between them so they can coordinate has been a godsend and has help to improve the quality of they therapy and my ability to trust and makes strides forward. My Vetran's Outreach counselor didn't have any problems understanding and being able to talk with me, or accept what has happened to me. I have two friends that for whatever reason... are trying to help and are open when they are starting to get overwhelmed. But, they were there to help me get through my last "break-down" and managed to get me to my Counselor. My recommendation.... keep trying. There are people who have not experienced PTSD, who do care, who are not professionals that will stand by you. For those that don't; then it's better to know early on. Good Luck.

 

[tude]

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. Mostly, I appreciate your honesty. It helped me gain better perspective on this issue.

Take care of you, tude

 

[Marlene]

Family and medical personnel aside (and forum folks, of course), the only people I have told about my PTSD have all freaked on me. I had one person I had trusted and confided in tell me that she just couldn't handle my situation and that it was just too much for her. If I hadn't felt so shitty at the time, I probably would have laughed in her face!

Needless to say, I don't tell people anything about my situation. If they ask, I tell them I have a hard time dealing with stress and leave it at that. After being made to feel like the only freak in the side show by several people I used to trust, letting people know about my PTSD is low on my priority list.

Lisa

 

[mouse]

I have only told two people, aside from my doc, therapist and of course people here, about what I'm going through and what my dx is, my friend took it very well but she works in emergency services as well so I think she could understand it a bit better. My husband of course knows as well but then thats different, even he had, still does have a tough time with the whole idea. I did once tell one of my friends that I was seeing a Therapist for somethings, and within a week that was the end of that friendship, too hard for her to deal with, she said she didn't want to be involved, with someone with issues, enough said end of being open.

A big reason is that the people that I work with and my friends have a huge issue with any kind of mental/emotional issues, they would not understand and they would not deal with it well. I should probably give them more of a chance but I can't bear to deal with the very thought that things might change, so instead I put on this false show that everything is OK and try to act "normal" around them which is hard when I retreat inside for weeks at a time but they either don't notice or don't really care.

Anyways I know i don't deal well with being singled out so I keep it in, and deal with the consequences later. It can be hard and lonely this way so I don't know if any of its good advice, but its my opinion.

 

[kers]

I have told a couple of friends. One ignored it when I brought it up, and another treated it as if "Aren't you over that yet?" I've let those people fade out of my lives.

Another friend has been really understanding; I'll tell her when I'm having bad symptoms. The fourth person I just told (she was wondering why I was missing so much work--doctors' appointments), but she has noticed and been very accepting of my symptoms, so I think giving her a reason for them won't change things much.

 

[goingonhope]

Last night I went to a 12-step meeting. I did this in spite of the weather to get out of myself, the pain, and to alleviate the loneliness.

tude, I've done that very same thing, for the same reasons, no less than a 1000X and likely more. 1st joined as a member of a 12-step meeting 20yrs. ago, in fact.

It has been suggested to me to journal and "share my feelings" to deal with the intense emotions.

A great suggestion and one worth following through with. When I journal, at the end of it all, I've sorted through much and identified what I am feeling and why, it has the effect upon me of gaining personal insight, a greater self-understanding and an increasing like, compassion and mercy for myself.

Much of my trauma on my list was fueled by things like others self-disregard and loathing, another's jealousies, fears, untreated illness and unresolved pers. trauma.

I was retraumatized when I later witnessed any of those mirrored dynamics in 12-step meetings. It was a constant restimulation and retraumatization when and if I dared to speak, or when and if I kept my mouth closed as I had all through my life-time of abuse and trauma.

As a PTSD sufferer, when it was my desires to get outside of myself and/or to alleviate some traumatic pain and lonliness, I've yet to find a 12-step meeting suited for accomplishing this. Yes, I have found a very few people that understand there and not one of us are threatened nor hurt by one another. In fact, they understand all too well.

I thought I made myself pretty clear as to how I was feeling, why, and how I used to use alcohol to deal with such intense emotions. It brought me to the brink of tears.

tude, there is no doubt in my mind that you in fact did make yourself very clear. As I've said, it took me 20yrs. to cross paths with and/or come to know simply a few people in my 12-step meetings that understand me, my ptsd, my feelings and thinking and any of my trauma. While here within the forum, it has taken me little to no time at all to connect, to understand and to know that others understand me as well.

So, bc of my self-diagnosis and the feared risks involved for me in not attending my 12-step meetings, I go, but I go with an attitude that my higher power and I are the best it gets for reliable support. So I continue to go on far less occassion to listen for the three-fold description of my comorbid disease described and/or to offer support and service when I can't.

I'm keeping in check that illness in those meetings. I'm confronting my trauma and PTSD with a therapist when it is permitted, as she has a lot to learn IMHO. And, I'm journaling, taking healing actions and asking for support here within the forum for my PTSD. And, I can't wait until my self-confidence and abilities to think straight, for longer periods of time, builds in such a way, that I too will be able to give away much needed help and support that we all here need and deserve.

I don't expect people to be able to relate to my death experiences at work. But you'd think they would be able to relate to feelings of helpless, fear, and sadness? Nope.

You'd think so tude, wouldn't you. I would too. But far to often they don't, and when they do they're usually too fearful to say anything. IMHO, so many are encouraged to chase the wind, along with others, and don't ever come near touching the kind of honest self-examination, de-numbing and permission to feel, and allow others to feel as well, that permits them to relate to anything but substitute faulty-coping mechanisms.

tude, I'm too tired to review any of what I've written here, and I will say that there is always the possibility of me not being thorough, so I really hope this helps, if only a little, and doesn't hinder any. Also, it doesn't come easy for me to share what I've shared here bc as far as recalling and being reminded of others responses to my trauma and post-trauma, in ongoing fellowship 12-step meetings, I'm yet to be able to think straight enough through that burden of secondary pain, as well as, additional trauma, and my error, to be able to speak of, release and examine so much of many of those 20yrs.

Hope