How Do People Respond To Your Trauma/Post-Trauma?

[spiritofnow]

I have not told many people just two infact, apart from those on here of course!

The first was my then partner.
The second is my very very good friend.

Neither have responded negativley I think that it is I who does not deal with it all very well.

I mean I am afriad to go ahead and say stuff incase they get fed-up with me! My friend tries to encourage me to be open and communicate with her. Last time I did that she went home and cried for me. She thought that what I had experienced as a child was terrible. I was concerned after that to say more - I do not want to feel responsible for her feeling bad. She said she is not carrying my pain it just hurt her to hear some of my trauma.

So all in all I guess my reaction is what counts! If I don't feel that how I have behaved or have felt is strange then it would not matter how other people perceived me.

Whats the saying, 'when you point your finger there is always three pointing back at you'....

Spirit x

 

[TLight]

'friends"

I've had extremely bad experiences with telling people. I ended up hospitalized one night and called two 'friends.' One took me home the next day and got in my face and proceeded to tell me what a 'victim' I was, that I just needed to look people in the face, go for walks, go back to work (always abusive bosses), and I'd be fine. Don't get triggered at home, save it for therapy.......she had all the 'answers.' My therapist said, Wow, what compassion. I've since cut her out of my life.

My ex just couldn't wait until my healing was over. Yelled at me that I was the only one who could let it go and needed to do it ASAP. He's gone.

Another younger "friend" claims she knows all about emotional problems because her mom, whom she can't stand, is emotionally screwed up and tries to kill herself for 'attention.' She constantly tells me to 'can't you reframe that?" Etc. etc. Very condesending.

At this point I only talk with my therapist. Two years in now. She is the only one I've ever trusted. Is always there for me.

Most days, on breakfasts with neighbors, in idle chat while walking, I feel like exposing my wrists and telling the world about the evil I've been subjected to, about the injustice in the medical and SSD system, about the judgements I've endured. Sometimes I do, just to shock them out of their own little petty complaining realities. But I find that it isolates me even more.

I'm writing a book. Vets at least get some sympathy. Cancer patients get support and love..........we get blamed. So unfair, the continued injustice. I'm writing a book to tell people how crappy they all are. What will heal us is love, instead we get condemnation. No one wants to hear or see such pain, makes them too uncomfortable. My ex- said my 'friends' were trying to help me. Blamed me again, like I've failed or something.

Most days, I consider myself alone on the planet and that's OK.

 

[spiritofnow]

Most days, I consider myself alone on the planet and that's OK.

You are not alone though Tlight we are all here for you and understand aspects of your pain. You have just not met people who are educated enough to know better.

I am not with my partner due to the effects of PTSD and not becuase he is a bad person he just felt that he could not give me what I derserve. It hurt him to see and hear my pain to the point that he felt as though he was swallowing poison. Not everyone can help us carry the load. They all have their own issues for one. Even the friend who shouted at you had her problems and was not able to comfort you and understand you because of them.

I guess in the past if I had an experience that was negative I would almost intergrate that experience in a numerical fashion, for e.g; number 56, people are unreliable. I would add this to my list and it would become another reason to carry on feeling the way I was. Peolpe are frail, ignorant, unthoughtful, misguided they are just a product of their experiences or lack of. However, there ARE beautiful people everywhere and even they are not perfect :-)

I sense that you are angry! Its okay to be angry just ensure that it has a positive direction.

Sending out good thoughts for you.

Spirit x

 

[TLight]

Thank you

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

I know I have to not lose Faith that there are people out there who are compassionate and able to show that compassion. And I'm telling myself I will be able to trust again someday.

Yes, they definately had their own issues and they ended up dumping them all over me. It just hurts so badly that they all are talking amoungst themselves about me, what they must be saying about how 'flawed' I am. My T says I just have to put another huge loss in the past and forgive. I've so much forgiving to do. I pray and list names and write for hours and hours, forgiving. They say you can't 'try to forgive,' and that its something that you either do or don't do.

I'm a biologist, not working now because i'm so afraid of yet another abusive, sexually harassing boss. They judge me for that too. My brain feels so different than it used to, all the drugs, the stress. I'm triggered by so many things.

Are we the 'chosen' ones? I forgive. I choose to forgive. Please, all of your pray for me to help me forgive and heal.

I was battered horribly for years. My father was the embodiment of evil, I believe. But I forgive. So hard to forgive someone who has effected my life like this. But I'm sick of all this anger in me. Sick of the horrible fantisies of revenge. I want so badly to let go and move on with MY life.
Thank you for your true words..........thank you for letting me tell.

 

[2tired2deal]

It's true; anything to do with "mental" health and we're back in the dark ages. I only tell when I think the person is mature enough, understanding enough, and respects me enough. So I develop a friendship and try to gauge how they treat me first. Then I tell. Even then some just don't know ?? No one has information on C - PTSD. The causes are all horrific in their own way, so who wants to even talk about how you became traumatized. It leaves one feeling lonely, yep. Even my very-supportive-and-tries-to-kind-of-understand-spouse leaves me hanging most days when I want to bring the subject up.

 

[spiritofnow]

TLight,

I hear and feel your words :Hug_emoticon:

I would think that concentrating on forgiving others at this point in time maybe asking too much of you!?

Perhaps you need to work through all of the anger that you have concerning all those that you feel have betrayed you and let you down. You need to process your own pain before you can begin to forgive others?! You have an absolute right to do that (this is the healing process).

I feel that putting yourself under the pressure to try to be an all forgiving person is perhaps not being fair to yourself - it will come in time when you are ready. You are mindful that you want to forgive and that is enough for now.

Does this makes sense to you; the person that I have realised that I have needed to forgive the most was/is 'myself', for I have behaved terribly to myself at times and I am extremely judgemental and my own harshest critc? If this speaks to you then I would suggest that learning to forgive yourself and having compassion for 'you' is your first priority! The rest wil come....

I guess what I am saying is that forgiving others is not necessarily the immediate key to unlock the door to healing. Processing the pain and learning to be kind to you is - IMHO :-)

You are an amazing beautiful creature!

You will learn to trust again when you learn to trust in yourself!

Spirit x

 

[TLight]

Bless you Spirit. I know, I've been forgiving for years and it hasn't worked, probably because I never allowed myself to feel the pain or grieve. You are so right........forgiveness of others can wait. I need to pamper myself.

thank you again, more than you know...........

 

[JustJane]

I am interested in your experiences of sharing with others. How have people responded to you when you share your traumatic or post-traumatic experiences?

When I have tried to share with others, there has been times of uncomfortable silence followed by a change of subject.

I'm with you, tude. It's almost as if I am not allowed to have feelings and everyone in the world was born knowing that except me.

I have been there, lended my time and concern for so many others who needed someone to talk to or a shoulder to lean on, but when I needed the favor returned, they'd say something really cold and unfeeling, then drop out of my life. It happened again just recently. Someone I would have called a dear friend, someone I have helped emotionally, financially and with hours and hours of time listening to her recite what she was going through, sessions with her counselor, efforts to get a divorce, problems with her family and then when I looked to her for a second head, she cut me off. We were instant messaging and she said she wasn't interested in a pity party, then signed off.

I keep forgetting I was apparently designed to be the whipping girl for everyone. I'm not allowed to have feelings or cry and if I do, am not to be acknowledged.

 

[TLight]

That really sucks JustJane.....so sorry. I went through a similiar thing. When we 'come out' people treat us like we are the plague or something.

You are not experiencing pity, you are grieving. Many people have laid the 'self pity' trip on me and I took it on, keeping me stuck.....Finally got into therapy and realize they were all so friggen wrong and had no compassion what so ever.

When we heal, more and more, we will have true friends. People like to just think about their own crap, can't handle the intensity of our stuff.

 

[agnes]

Five of my friends know about my PTSD, so does my parents and my boyfriend. Their reactions was completely different. My dad didnt want to talk about it while my mother thought it was something caused by lack of food and sleep (eventhought Ive explained to her about my trauma).
One friend told me I was a liar (ex friend) and that I made it up to get more attention. The others tried to get more facts about it all to understand me better.
My boyfriend does understand and talks with me about it as soon as I need to, and also takes good care of me.

I recommend people who have PTSD to talk about it with their loved ones, not just to make things clear, its healing to practise talking to others about it and just "get it out".

Good luck to everyone!

Agnes

 

[nor]

Well, the only "people" who know about any of the initial trauma, insist that it didn't happen to me. Period. My family. My sister absolutely, positively insists (and has everyone convinced), that SHE and my uncle's daughter, were the only ones "sacrificed" to him for the abuse. I just admitted to my T, that it wasn't until my sister had her breakdown, that I even considered that the same thing happened to me. That was at least 15 years after the occurrence.

The actual physical traumas I experienced-well, according to everyone (family and friends). They're over, you survived, don't dwell on them...... next.......... (had these traumas occurred even 10 years earlier than they did, I would be dead, or without a leg-right from the mouth of a doctor).

I have very, very casually referred to "every family having a "funny" uncle" to some friends, and they just go right over it. I say nothing.

I told one friend (a couple years ago) that I was seeing a therapist, and she quickly left the subject. She has since forgotten, because she insists that with her MSW (masters in social work), that she know what is best for her grieving mother-and therapy is just something they DON"T DO! SHE knows what is best-and therapy is not the way to go. I NEVER bring it up to her again.

I told another friend about therapy, and she just keeps telling me to leave my husband, and I will be better.

Phew-no wonder I keep it to myself, and only discuss it here.....

 

[TLight]

"It's over, you survived, don't dwell on it........"

I friggen hate that when people say that. I want to explode!