How do you ask people for help?

[Sideways]

ACT would suggest that using mindfulness to simply be aware of the thoughts/emotions, is enough.

ACT has been incredibly helpful to me learning how to coexist with really painful or uncomfortable emotions - I hear you:)

 

[Rani G2]

but when I tried to say how bad things are I ended up talking about how I realise how difficult everything is for everyone in the company.

Your words really struck a chord here, as I have had a strong tendency to communicate in a similar pattern. When I was in a situation that was stressful for me, and I desperately needed a solution I suddenly skipped that part and began to generalize, saying that for others the stress is equally present. Unfortunately there was an aftermath of that which was destructive.

It took me a very long time to implement self-compassion excercises/attachment based yoga ect (I used to feel that these were superficial quick fixes with no significance)To realize that in the moment of suffering lies an unmet need and that I am able to influence my inner emotional landscape when I can address my feelings in a new and safe way.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I think actively wanting to understand the source of emotions is, surely, a liberating intention.
I am of the mindset that "The truth shall set you free". So that is not just being aware but being aware of what something means.
I am not in the mindset of dogmatically adhering to any ideology, because that limits you. And saying that "distraction" is, perhaps a negative? No, i think distraction a necessary ploy, at times. It has its place.

We are here to use our intellectual capacity. We are here to bring love into it (life), we are here to learn to transcend fear, and to understand it's purpose and become wise.

But, also,I am more discerning and knowing what I want and so, because of that and my various limitations pertaining to my life situation, as well as the climate of the situation we all are dealing with, I am having A LOT of barriers and hold ups with getting T.

@mumstheword Totally agreeing with the "truth shall set you free." I've lived around dysfunctional lying/dishonest people who don't get feelings....they don't feel themselves. I think feelings and values go hand in hand....I look at the people who aren't in touch.....then look at their value system that they practice (not the one they pay lip service to-the one they walk) and you have to be able to feel emotions, consider another's point of view or their own feelings in that situation, to stand in someone else's shoes and empathize.

I also agree that when you are at the bottom, and just learning about feelings and dysfunction, trauma stuff......a canned approach to get you headed in the right direction is helpful.....depending upon needs. But I don't follow one particular philosophy either......we have to use our brain and figure out what works for us individually. It is what we bring to life that we remember, when our time is running out, and I don't intend to stick to one dogma or another....but I need to find what fits for me and work it in life.

Distractions are a key to becoming functional, in my opinion......my distractions are positive coping mechanisms. You are on point about getting past fear.....PTSD is clearly a fear-based disorder....get to dealing with what creates the fear, understand the emotions behind the fear.....the warped thinking we buy into from being "in fear high gear" (cognitive distortions), get grounded in reality......not maintain distorted thoughts, and it's my belief that is more or less the path to getting and staying stable and finding contentment in life......making us able to make good life long memories.....

On a different note....so sorry about you having barriers to finding a T....been there, done that.....for me it wasn't a good place to be, either. Good luck making that happen!

 

[BrightSmile]

@osiris For me, I totally get the issue....Self-reliance is a great skill....but it has it's downsides. For me, it allows me to stay more isolated. Success and failure are all my own.....that's great when something works....and a ego smasher when it doesn't. Most of all, it takes more time to do everything myself. Teamwork can be a great feeling.....if you can manage your own part.....without feeling the compulsion to manage everyone else's part of a job or project-or criticize them because they didn't do it your way. That is off-putting and creates social issues......been there...done that.

Then there is the needing and asking for help.....which can quickly in my head translates to being needy........which are two different things. Neediness causes me serious issues in life where I get wrapped up with dysfunctional folks..........and at some point, is the pivotal behavior that precedes some type of major trauma....so that is a hard one there to separate.

I feel I have to be super independent......because independence is the key to control...

Accepting help unconditionally..... means I have to trust the others....not to screw up and not criticize. Once I found it was possible to completely trust one person (and I have).....realizing that I wasn't destined to be screwed over by them.....and really trusted they'd be there and have my best interest at heart, I could see that possibility in others. On the other hand, the cautious me thinks the safer route is to trust only one person....right? If I let trust become commonplace, well......I'll be vulnerable and slack in the vigilance department.........and get hurt again.

For me, this whole accepting help is so wrapped up with other distorted thoughts and beliefs........but I have realized in the last 6 months, that I have to accept people's help in order to be able to function adequately in life. I ask as little as possible....and keep big boundaries......It has gotten much better in the last few years...

Changing thinking about this topic, is I believe, critical to becoming more healthy. Tackling this one is a game changer in my opinion. Kudos to you for giving it a go!

I don't post a whole lot, but if I could super like this I would it is so me!!! I am a supporter of a Combat Vet with PTSD who have dated off and on for 4 years now. He has some anger and control issues I am seeing the closer we get.
He is mad at me right now for not taking his money for help with School and to the point that we are taking a break as of today. I personally think there is more to it than that as he is having issues with his kid not being a worker like he is.
I am currently taking 35 credit hours per week for Barbering and graduate in March, working part time night shift at a local hospital doing entrance screening for Covid-19 and oh did I mention almost 50yrs old. I made the mistake of mentioning I applied for assistance through the employment department for a school program so I could quit my job they are not wanting to work with my school hours. He flipped! He said how could I take advantage of the system when I could take his money at one point accused me of being stupid and ignorant. Basically made me feel awful. He has been kind of argumentative since Thanksgiving so wondering if more to it than that. I had to go to work tonight and he knew it and ended with a text saying I need a break, please don't contact. He hasn't done this in a very long time. But I can't take his money for all the reasons mentioned here. I came from a 20 year verbally and emotionally abusive marriage, am having a hard time telling him why I can't take help I had to be those things before I got out of my marriage.
So I feel all of you!

 

[Friday]

He said how could I take advantage of the system when I could take his money at one point accused me of being stupid and ignorant. Basically made me feel awful. He has been kind of argumentative since

My parents -also military, but so am I- are just like that. My mom deliberately blocked me from getting emergency medical disability when I was sick because “that’s for people without families”. NO MOM. It’s for people, just like me, who are single parents, losing their ability to work & pay rent, due to sudden devastating illness. It’s designed to help people stay independent, and get back on their feet as quickly as possible... instead of being homeless, jobless, broke, and sick... sleeping on their mom’s couch or the street. But since my mom signed financial responsibility waivers at the hospital -against my will- it was suddenly THEIR income & assets that were needed to qualify, not my own. So I lost everything. My job, my loft, my independence, my ability to get back on my feet at all. Because of their bullshit ideas of what help is & is for.

If you qualify? Then the help offered IS for people just like you. And good on you for seizing opportunities to make the best of your life.

If other people want to help on top of that? Awesome! But getting mad that you’re seeking your own assistance? Is total bullshit.

 

[BrightSmile]

My parents -also military, but so am I- are just like that. My mom deliberately blocked me from getting emergency medical disability when I was sick because “that’s for people without families”. NO MOM. It’s for people, just like me, who are single parents, losing their ability to work & pay rent, due to sudden devastating illness. It’s designed to help people stay independent, and get back on their feet as quickly as possible... instead of being homeless, jobless, broke, and sick... sleeping on their mom’s couch or the street. But since my mom signed financial responsibility waivers at the hospital -against my will- it was suddenly THEIR income & assets that were needed to qualify, not my own. So I lost everything. My job, my loft, my independence, my ability to get back on my feet at all. Because of their bullshit ideas of what help is & is for.

If you qualify? Then the help offered IS for people just like you. And good on you for seizing opportunities to make the best of your life.

If other people want to help on top of that? Awesome! But getting mad that you’re seeking your own assistance? Is total bullshit.

Thank you @Friday! I am pretty sure it is a control issue with him and he is having a hard time with his son not wanting to do the contractor business with him. He has known me since my divorce and threw in my face the bankruptcy i had to file with it in our fight tonight as well as I should be driving a $1,000 car instead of the 2013 Hyundai I was able to buy with a cash settlement from it. He was speaking to me like I was his kid or a military buddy. Total Asshat! I have struggled since my divorce never ask anyone for anything except my Dad insisting to pay for my lawyer. Now that I found my dream of Being a Female Barber and mind you he incouraged it. I think he is afraid he is going to loose me to another man and it slipped out one night. So maybe his money thing is his way of keeping me in his clutches but who knows that is another story.
After all that I don't want his help now!!