How Do You Build Armor?

[Heather]

My mother has always said mean things to me growing up and I should be used to it by now. and being on 400mg of topamax certainly does help but it never quite prepares. me when she saw my eyebrow pierced for the first time and said, "when did you get that done? that's disgusting!" It still stings. still hurts. Makes me thinks what a cruel bitch you are.

I've noticed that being on the mood stablizer that my emotions really have been muted so I just ignored her comment. (this was the same woman who said when I was 17 y/o and told her how the hairdresser said my eyes were gorgeous and she said do you know why she said that and I said no why? she said because the rest of you is so ugly) and changed the subject sometimes I can rationalize it in my mind that she is a narcissist and as such will be remain clueless for the rest of her life. but I would be lying if I said her words didn't have an affect on me. what she says is just plain cruel and hurtful.

any suggestions on how to erect emotional armor?

 

[curiouser]

I like that, emotional armor. It's hard when people say things about us that can be hurtful, specially when those people have relationship roles in our lives that have great emotional meaning, like a mother or a father. Someone who's identity by word alone is supposed to mean, someone who gave us life, and loves us unconditionally. That's a very hard thing to struggle with and try to understand. However whatever relationship or meaning these people are supposed to have, in the end, a mother or a father, is still just another person and what they say is just an opinion, just words forming a sentence.

Some "emotional armor" that I try to remember when I feel hurt by someone else. . .

You can't be lifted up by anyone or anything any higher than you're willing to lift yourself up.
You can't be put down by anyone or anything any lower than you're willing to put yourself down.


No one will lift you up any higher than yourself.
No one will put you down any lower than yourself.


When people praise and reprimand you, they're only providing you with their opinion and perceptions of your actions. Only if they reflect your own opinions can other people's opinions have the power to make you feel good or bad. You decide how you feel and your feelings are based on your values, thoughts, and beliefs.

Many people go through life trying to receive praise and avoid reprimand. To them, other people's opinions define their own self-worth. But those who live their lives listening to the guidance of their hearts and souls realize that they must be true to themselves regardless of others opinions of them.

True self-worth stems from within, and when you're focused on an inspired purpose, neither praise nor reprimand can bump you off your course. ~John DeMartini.


"Opinions have no power over us unless we give in to them. Opinions are only words strung together. They have NO MEANING WHATSOEVER. Only we give meaning to them." -Louise L Hay


"No one can make you feel bad without your permission" -Eleanor Roosevelt


Forgiveness is not about condoning another persons hurtful actions, it is about releasing your negative emotions and perceptions about the painful events. Otherwise you keep yourself chained to those events or people - you keep it alive within you - and you carry it with you where-ever you go. It is a very heavy burden to carry around and you end up crippling yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.

Holding on to anger, resentment, etc. keeps you in 'victim' mode - powerless. It means you are letting those people who have hurt you in the past dictate who you are in the present moment. You can take your power back by releasing these negative emotions and no longer let them hold sway over your thoughts, feelings and actions.

Only you are responsible for what you do, think and feel. You can choose to hold on to painful events, like a weight around your neck, or you can choose to remove that burden by releasing it (giving it no more emotional energy and therefore power) and living a happier life despite past circumstances. In other words... let the past be in the past, and live in the now moment. You can't change what happened in the past, but you have choice over how you live now. ~Author Unknown

 

[intothelight]

Hi Heather,

I too deal with I have named a Momster. I tried everything to establish an emotionally healthy relationship, but it never happened, nor will it ever. I finally came to the realization that I would not tolerate her behavior from a stranger or an acquaintance, so why in the world was I tolerating it from someone who was suppose to love me?

Part of me realized that I was seeking her love and approval, and each time I hoped for this, her behavior dashed the hope and furthered the hurt. But basically, I was setting myself up to fail. I could not change her, but I could change me.

I don't think there is enough emotional armor for these types of relationships. I found the best thing I could do was to walk away. Basically, I "fired" my Momster. No she will never understand, nor will a lot of family members, but I need to be healthy as I owe it to myself and my own family (children and husband).

It is not an easy choice to make, and it may not be the right choice for you, but it is something to take a realistic look at.

Wishing you peace.

Debbie

 

[atl22]

I have been trying to build emotional armor for years and I have always failed. After years of trying to build a better relationship with my father that beat me and choked me and ruined our lives with alcohol, I just recently gave up.

I just can't do it anymore. He's not worth it. He will never change. I wrote him a letter recently that told him to forget this relationship and just let me move on. I will not read anything if he writes back. I actually have not seen him in 7 years (his choice). I want to say that "he is dead to me", but that is not true. He died the last time he beat me, choked the hell out of me, and slammed my head against the wall. I was done then, at the age of 15, I left with 4 dollars and a knife.

The streets were dangerous but the people trying to kill me were strangers and I had no problem hurting them right back. I did not want to kill my own father but that is where I was headed if I stayed.

It was hard to say the final goodbye, but I am already feeling better. Time to move on, to take care of myself, and build my own family - a family without violence or alcohol.

 

[Heather]

atl22 I think you are very brave. and It takes a lot of courage to do what you did at 15 y/o. I often thought of getting in my car and just leaving but never did. I admire your strength. Take care of yourself. Heather

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Heather,

Not only are the words cruel but one has to wonder what self-hatred your mom has for herself to try to cause such pain, perhaps she is hoping that you react to alleviate her own guilt about her own behaviour (then she can 'blame' you, and not look inward to herself).
Irregardless of whatever reason(s), I would look at her behaviour as totally un healthy- and therefore warranting no credence as to it's validity. Think of her as sick, if you can, because that behaviour is.

It sounds toxic and I would avoid it if possible, apply the above when necessary, and try to surround yourself with and listen to people who have an accurate and life-affirming view of you. Turn your gorgeous (and I am sure they are) eyes towards them.

Concentrate on the positive, and eliminate the negative. Check out AlAnon literature to practise 'emotional detachment'- not armour but a way to see things in a different perspective and to take care of yourself. Listen to your T and people who are sane and healthy, have your best interests at heart, and are telling you the truth.

(((Heather)))

 

[Abrasky]

I think someone like you is beatiful on the inside and outside. Your mother's comments about your appearance sound extremely toxic. I have a father in law who once started out of the blue comparing his two daughters. I was the best looking of the two, and the other one had the best personality. I was absolutely gobsmacked. SO to when my brother in law told me not to have any more children. (I have one who is well adjusted and I am a good mum) absolutely crossed the line so much that I today really don't want much to do with my husbands family anymore. So I'm the daugher in law without the personality and needless to say, our relationship hasn't been the same since then. You can pcik your friends though hey?

 

[Heather]

My mom did it again! Hurt me beyond belief. And I really thought I had this under control. I had gotten this under control. I've become so good at ignoring her nasty mean comments but this truly takes the cake!

I don't know how someone can be such a total f**king b*tch!

This happened a few weeks ago and it still makes me cry every time I think about it.

I woke up with excruciating pain in my abdomen at 2 a.m. and by 4 a.m. I could no longer stand the pain. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I called my mom and told her I needed her to take me to the emergency room. She was making noise on the other end of the phone acting like I am inconvenicing her. She first said, "can't you call an ambulance?" I practicly had to beg her to come and get me. I said, "I"m sorry if I"m bothering you. I'm in agony". Reluctantly she agreed. It turned out to be a kidney stone.

Then the stone ended up not passing and I had to have surgery. The urologist inserted a stent and 5 days later it had to be removed. She agreed to drive me to the appointment because any movement is really painful with that metal thing shoved up in your ureter. We were talking on the phone and we had made an agreement about something. She started to change the conditions of the agreement and I told her no. That is not what we agreed upon. She got angry and said, "find your own ride to the dr's appt". and hung up in my face. I just burst into tears.

What a f**king a$$hole!!!!!!!! I will never, ever call on her again if I need help. And I'll just watch shaking my head while she acts baffled that I didn't call her. I hate that b*tch. My therapist gave me a book to read so, that I could see her more as a person and not just a parent. She's not a human being. She's a defect!

 

[intothelight]

(((Heather))),

You are right, your mother should have taken you to the doctors appointment, no strings attached and with a spirit of love and helpfulness. But what is right and what is reality are two different things.


I think that being a mother sometimes makes it harder, since we know how this relationship should really work and it sheds a glaring light on the defects of the relationship with our own mothers. (Hope this sentence makes sense.) But emotional turmoil I experienced dealing with her, negatively impacted my own children, so I walked.

I hope you can find a solution that works for you and gives you the peace of mind you deserve.

Deb

 

[Heather]

The one thing that I take away from this Deb is that I will never, ever treat Nicole the way that my mom treats me! Not ever! Because I don't deserve to be treated this way it's very hurtful.

I DESERVE BETTER. And it makes me sob. It is so painful.

 

[intothelight]

(((Heather)))

I am so sorry it hurts, but you are right you deserve better. Just don't let anyone make you any sicker, and that is the best thing you can do for your family.

Deb

 

[AzureMind]

Heather, I'm a pretty emotionally intense person and because of that subtle intensity I carry with me, people are often intimidated by my presence despite being of average size at 5'11 and only 170lbs.I think it's because I often DO mean business...but I'm very emotional and passionate person, giving my ALL to EVERYTHING I do, but I filter all scenarios through my mind first, then my self-esteem and "is this statement real accurate representation of myself?":, then my emotions; so I'm "mental before emotional" and I think that attitude has somewhat helped in establishing the "emotional armor" you're talking about.

I've learned that there are three types of people in the world: the ignorant/blind, and the enlightened and those that seek/see the path of enlightenment. The cornerstone of a fundamentally 'negative' person is ignorance, and what they say, think, believe most of which is in error/ignorance in whatever they speak: Those that walk that path are doomed to internal misery, because we are meant as a species to be lead OUT of the dark, and into the light and not the reverse. Anyone not among the light, dwells in the dark in ignorance, so you must ask yourself: "What path am I on? and what can I do with it?" Heather, when people begin to become aware that their lives aren't working by some form of realization, they seek knowledge/help for a way out of it...you only need to be calm and continue on your path, realize that dwelling on the ignorance that is said or sent to you has NO place in your life and that ignorance IS the enemy, the source of harm and hurt that people wield against each other.
Knowledge is half the battle Heather, in ANY war.

I also assume that you are aware of your boundaries, what is right and what is wrong, and know that anyone who strikes you, judges you poorly, is ignorant to YOUR nature. This is something you will learn to disregard when you start to get a "sense" for the ignorance around you be it spoken or otherwise. It's not your job to dwell on it, but if you would, you can ATTACK ignorance rather than DEFENDING yourself from it in another way: by enlightening them :)

Your life is no mistake, no life is....there is a message we ALL carry within that must be spread to contribute to our world....do you know yours yet? :)

good luck!! and Take Care!!