Wisdomhunter
New Here
Since my early teens I have struggled with thoughts of ending it all, not wanting to be here, wishing I could just die. I actually used to pray every night that I could die before I even discovered that people actually ended their own lives. I remember clearly, when a friend told about someone who had taken their own life, the mixed sense I felt of shock that people killed themselves and hope that there was actually a way out for me. I was around 14 at the time. Since then I don’t think I’ve had a single day when I have actually wanted to be here and I’ve always felt that this is how my life will end. That’s over 35 years. Somewhere over the years I decided that I only had to hang on for as long as my Mum was alive. I just couldn’t do that to her, I lived with her my whole life and we were very close. It was just the two of us for 28 years after my Dad died as my siblings were all married or living elsewhere. They are all a lot older than me. I had a clear plan of how I would end my life and everything ready in case my Mum died suddenly and I had to act so that we would just be found together. Terrible, I know. There have been so many times of depression and anxiety over the years where the urge to just end it all became overwhelming and I really struggled. I did see a Christian therapist for a while several years ago and tried to talk to her about suicidal thoughts, but every time I brought it up she just said a prayer and then changed the subject. It seemed like it wasn’t something we should talk about and it felt like that was validating my own feeling that it didn’t matter so I stopped going. I have seen psychologists at times for assessments for chronic pain programmes and also when I needed some help for a phobia I have. Of course they always ask if you ever think of ending it all, but then because I said I had no immediate plans they didn’t say any more about it. I didn’t feel I could tell anyone because I thought I was the only one who never stopped wishing they could end it all and how do you explain that to anyone? Since I came to this site have read some diaries and learned that there are people who have dealt with this and I’m not the only one.
Well, my Mum passed away in 2018. I had been her carer for the last 6 years of her life but she was diagnosed with cancer and died at home a few months later. It was an awful time but we also had some very special times together talking, nothing was left unsaid which I know is a precious privilege. She expressed so much of how she wanted my life to be after she was gone and I made a promise to her that I would live in a way that would make her proud of me. It felt like the right thing to do at the time and in that situation although I have often doubted it since! When she finally died we had known it was coming so the family were all around and I wasn’t alone until after the funeral. I thought I could hold onto my promise to Mum to live well and that it was good I wasn’t alone.
It’s been 20 months now though and this battle has been relentless and I’m just worn down by it. I found another therapist who is wonderful, she is a trauma therapist although I originally started seeing her because there were some traumatic things around my Mum’s final illness and I was struggling with a lot of flashbacks. I told her early on about how long I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts and was very honest with her. She has been so supportive and certainly doesn’t ignore it. I can tell her when it’s a real battle and she makes me promise to come back the following week. She said she believes it’s s fragmented emotional part of me that wants to die and it certainly feels like something tries to take over at times which is scary. I don’t have anyone else I can talk to or ask for support when it is hard. I love my family but I can’t talk to them, that’s just a bit complicated! I do have a church - I actually work part time in my church, but there’s no one I can talk to there either. Our pastor’s family suffered a suicide loss just after Mum died and it’s been a difficult time in the church for various reasons. Also being Mum’s carer for so many years meant I became quite isolated and a lot of friends moved on. I did have one friend who I told, just that I was having a struggle with thoughts of ending it all, but although she was supportive for a while she has distanced herself in the past several months and that has been so difficult to deal with I can’t take the risk of it happening again if I try to tell someone else. Nothing happened between us so I guess she just didn’t want to deal with it.
It feels like I had a safety net when Mum was here and I’m desperately trying to find another one. I’m sorry this post is so long. I just wondered what helps people hang on to life when you are always fighting the desire to be gone?
Well, my Mum passed away in 2018. I had been her carer for the last 6 years of her life but she was diagnosed with cancer and died at home a few months later. It was an awful time but we also had some very special times together talking, nothing was left unsaid which I know is a precious privilege. She expressed so much of how she wanted my life to be after she was gone and I made a promise to her that I would live in a way that would make her proud of me. It felt like the right thing to do at the time and in that situation although I have often doubted it since! When she finally died we had known it was coming so the family were all around and I wasn’t alone until after the funeral. I thought I could hold onto my promise to Mum to live well and that it was good I wasn’t alone.
It’s been 20 months now though and this battle has been relentless and I’m just worn down by it. I found another therapist who is wonderful, she is a trauma therapist although I originally started seeing her because there were some traumatic things around my Mum’s final illness and I was struggling with a lot of flashbacks. I told her early on about how long I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts and was very honest with her. She has been so supportive and certainly doesn’t ignore it. I can tell her when it’s a real battle and she makes me promise to come back the following week. She said she believes it’s s fragmented emotional part of me that wants to die and it certainly feels like something tries to take over at times which is scary. I don’t have anyone else I can talk to or ask for support when it is hard. I love my family but I can’t talk to them, that’s just a bit complicated! I do have a church - I actually work part time in my church, but there’s no one I can talk to there either. Our pastor’s family suffered a suicide loss just after Mum died and it’s been a difficult time in the church for various reasons. Also being Mum’s carer for so many years meant I became quite isolated and a lot of friends moved on. I did have one friend who I told, just that I was having a struggle with thoughts of ending it all, but although she was supportive for a while she has distanced herself in the past several months and that has been so difficult to deal with I can’t take the risk of it happening again if I try to tell someone else. Nothing happened between us so I guess she just didn’t want to deal with it.
It feels like I had a safety net when Mum was here and I’m desperately trying to find another one. I’m sorry this post is so long. I just wondered what helps people hang on to life when you are always fighting the desire to be gone?
