How Do You Cope With People Not Wanting To Be Involved With You Because Of Your Ptsd?

[AqueousAndroid]

Thank you. I hope in the coming weeks, no matter what they bring, the words you all have given me can provide me with some measure of comfort.

 

[Go Hungry]

I worry about this too. I mean, right now I'm not even looking for someone else because I have lots of issues to deal with, plus I don't really relish the stress of having someone else in my life. That may sound terrible and selfish; but at one point I opened an acct on OKCupid. I almost immediately ran into this girl that I had kinda known back in college, and we were talking and stuff, and decided to meet up for lunch. And it was clear that she was getting way into me, way too fast. And I was eaten up with worries about "What do I do, how do I tell this person that I'm really not that into her, will it hurt her feelings?" I was just stressing so hard and then I realized... None of this stress was here until I had opened that acct. None of it. So I just bit the bullet and explained that at this point I'm really only looking for friends to talk to and maybe hang out with. I haven't heard a word from her since. :meh:

So now I'm just up front with people on OKC that I'm really just looking for friends, straight from the beginning. Strangely I've gotten more enthusiastic responses because of it. And they almost universally thank me for writing them real letters, instead of creepy sex-offers and lameoid one-liners. Believe it or not, women seem to prefer when you speak to them as if they are people!! :alien:

Okay I digressed for a bit there. But yes, it worries me. I don't know when I should hypothetically tell someone that I'm a madman. I mean; bipolar disorder, alcoholism, splits, diabetes, and now PTSD on top of it (though I've had it for 30 years and just didn't know it.) That is a lot to drop on somebody. I couldn't even blame them if they ran off screaming. Nobody wants that kind of damage...

I'm lucky that I have many friends who are okay with it. Ofcourse most of them are also odd birds as well. Come to think of it, between the ones with aspergers, the bipolar folks, and the other PTSD guys, we are an eclectic bunch. Round it off with all the goths, witches, pirates, LGBTQI-BBQ crowd, and we are almost a full tribe of weirdos. I guess if I can find a girl who'd fit in with that bunch, then I'm probably going to be doing okay.

 

[Laura 2]

Yup. This is why I'm so open with my issues...

I really admire your approach, but I've found that telling people anything often brings out the predator in them - even police officers and doctors have tried to take advantage of my vulnerability. So I pretend I'm fine and keep my distance.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If someone doesn't want to be involved with me because of my PTSD, I hope the door slams into their arse on the way out! Honestly, these are the types of people who have NO compassion for anyone else. I am a very caring person, and I do not want to be around those who don't give a flying fig about anyone else beyond themselves. Truth be told, at some point in their lives they will go through something horrific, be it a tragedy, disease, etc, and then they will discover what its like to have people abandon them. Truth be told, it's not just those with mental illness who are abandoned when times are rough. It happens with cancer patients as well (I read an article about it). The thing is that you never hear about it because everyone is so rah-rah with their support of cancer....pink is everywhere for breast cancer, right? But the truth is that people much rather throw their support at a cause with their wallets or going on some walk. Actually giving personal support to those in need is just too far beyond the capacities of many people. Its sad, really.

 

[Laura 2]

@Solara

Every word is true in your whole post. For me, it's not just sad, it's sick, sick, sick. People show their true colours when they're asked to REALLY help.

 

[jmni]

Here is my experience. Someone not wanting to be involved with you because you have a disorder is their choice. It is a selfish choice but that is an option they have. If you didn't have ptsd, you would still get rejected, people would not enter a relationship with you because of other reasons, you would break-up, etc. Alternatively you could be in a relationship that is really unhealthy and just go through the motions because you don't want to be alone. In other words, if someone chooses not to be with you because you have ptsd, then that is feasible and ok. It's better than being with someone who can't handle it or accept it because this is part of who you are. A relationship is about building a connection to one person and that person will accept the ptsd and everything else about you. No one else matters. Being rejected and not bothered with is ok.

What really scares me is exposing myself to some predator. Some creep with a chip on his shoulder who wants to take it out on "a victim" so they can feel big.

 

[AqueousAndroid]

Really well-thought out and well-written responses. Thank you all, gives me a lot to think about. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@AqueousAndroid,
I just want to add...

If people don't want to be in your life because of PTSD, just pass them on by. There ARE good people out there who won't judge you because you have a disorder. It has taken me a long time to come to this conclusion, and it hasn't been an easy journey, not in the least. I was abandoned by nearly everyone when I was first diagnosed. I was fortunate in that I could move back to my hometown and start fresh so to speak, as I was living half way across the country at the time. That was over 5 years ago. I spent much time being alone because I thought everyone would judge me and then abandon me once they found out I had PTSD. But, that's not the truth. I only have a few good friends right now, and they are extremely supportive of me, and I am of them as well. I even just recently made a new friend and he doesn't judge me at all. (A big part of it is that he is ex-military and knows about PTSD already, as you can imagine.)

So pass the judgmental people on by because there are better friends to be made.

 

[Laura 2]

@Solara
It's so good to read that you've turned a lot around. That must have been very hard work indeed.

Sadly, without going into horrid and sad details, my experience is that people have deserted, ridiculed and ignored me for the PTSD. (Yea, even Christians, all of them at my church! And talk about judging! Jeeesus!) My PTSD has been quiet, decorous, no embarrassing freak-outs so no excuse I can see for such cruelty.

I agree, pass them by every time. But my question (not specifically to you) is how do you deal with family members who couldn't be bothered and what about GPs and other professionals who couldn't care less and leave you to it? It's not possible to pass on by the professionals when you absolutely need them to produce bits of paper for all sorts of benefits and legal things.

 

[AqueousAndroid]

I will be brutally honest here, the whole point of my post was trying to deal with a significant other who told me they needed time to figure out if they can handle my PTSD and the work it would involve in the relationship. As it turns out, showing the significant other some resources seemed to allow him to understand what I am going through and better understand the work involved. I thought he was going to leave me just based on how much work it's gonna be to be with me. It hurt very much in the moment. I've been trying to internalize the idea of leaving people who don't want to be bothered by my problems, but I think what's getting in the way there is my fear of abandonment...which stems from the trauma, unfortunately.

I think I know the real solution here, and that's not to get into a relationship to begin with if I am not able to deal with someone not wanting to be with me, for any reason at all. I will have to keep that in mind in the future.

 

[Laura 2]

Oh @AqueousAndroid... that's a horribly painful situation, I'm so sad for you. And indignant.

It's hard to see it as anything but abandonment. Though nowadays I can really see that those who abandon others are, in some deep way, really abandoning themselves, or some part of themselves.

(Personally, I've plumped for the solution you suggest because of many people's inability to find it in themselves to have compassion. I don't need more stress in my life especially from people who can't find it in themselves or who see their support in terms of cost/benefit analyses!)

 

[Recovery4Me]

Some people will use what can not be changed against another for leverage. The important thing for me to remember is that I do not have to buy into that pitch of 'I am a defective product'.:stop:

I can not change my label of PTSD, but I have spent more time facing my demons than most of my finger pointers. So this is what I do with those personal or family relationships that play the 'I am healthy & you are not' power games-
I always offer to go to therapy with them. :devilish: It stops them in their tracks... I mean not another peep for months!:happy:

Abandonment fears are scarey to me as well: I won't deny that. But to abandon myself by agreeing with someone that I am not good enough to be loved...is not what my Bible taught me.