How Do You Cope?

[Happy Head]

I've been in my own little downward spiral lately... The docs say I'm doing everything right but why am I not finding any relief? When it comes to suicidal thoughts they come and go. I've only acted on them twice, and thankfully not with much effort. Normally I try to distract myself and do something pleasurable. Lately however I have this recurring thought that a gun would be the solution. Thankfully I do not own one, nor do I have access to one. I also do not plan on buying one. But still, how do you cope with such disturbing thoughts?

 

[Reclusive]

I don't know if this is healthy or not, but it's what I do and it seems to work. Your mileage may vary and someone may post that what I do is unhealthy.

What I do is I remind myself that those aren't my thoughts - those are the depressions thoughts. It's thinking them. I don't want to commit suicide - ME, the real ME that's struggling to get back out. The REAL ME would be pissed if I offed myself, so it's not me. It's the depression talking. Then I kind of push it away, like blocking out an annoying commercial. I don't know if that makes sense at all, but maybe it'll help?

 

[Mr. Smith]

I go on youtube and look up random videos, banned commercials, old songs, videos of Robin Williams and others.... Draw, paint, write, look up new hobbies....

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good." ~Steven Wright

 

[Heather]

Exactly what you are doing. Coming on here and getting it out. I know how It feels to have those thoughts banging around my head because I'm in so much pain and nothing that I do works. I hear you LOUD AND CLEAR. It sucks a$$.

My therapist always says to me, "so we can take suicide off the table right?" I think it's because the last thing he wants to do is to have to fill out all the paperwork to admit me inpatient. HA:p:D

Seriously, take as best care of yourself as possible as you know how. Indulge yourself even if you feel like you don't deserve it. It's time like this that YOU need it the most.

Hang in there. Heather

And oh, yea sense of humor is always good too.

 

[The Albatross]

My resolve to walk it out is stronger than my ideation. I use a lot of distraction and sometimes, when it gets really bad so some examination of my core beliefs and check my perception of events that may be causing me anxiety. I try to change things when I can til I manage better too.

 

[Happy Head]

Thanks all for your comments, thoughts and suggestions. I try to look ahead and see myself looking back at how I feel now. Part of me is missing and I can't find that part... it's odd really. Another thing that worries (?, not sure if that's the right word) me is that I've imagined myself going in other ways (overdose, etc) and it just isn't happening... it's really weird. I know lately enviornmental triggers have played a key role in this and at the moment it is hard to remove myself from them.

Another problem that I am facing right now is that I'm with a new therapist. I had one for a year who, after 8 months, I finally had enough courage to have the "suicide talk" with him. Now that I'm with a new therapist, I don't yet feel comfortable so I find that not being able to "talk it out" is adding to the pressure. It's not that I don't like my new therapist, it's just that I have trust issues, that I'm sure you all understand.

 

[Reclusive]

I try to look ahead and see myself looking back at how I feel now. Part of me is missing and I can't find that part... it's odd really. .

I SOOOOO understand this part. That's what I mean when I talk about the REAL me. What would I think if I acted on those ideas? Sometimes it helps me see what's going on with me better if I look backwards from future me's standpoint. And I have this feeling that if I could just find the missing part, I would be 'me' again... it's a weird feeling.

 

[Happy Head]

Well I just went running for an hour to hopefully exhaust myself. The other thing I do is think of those people around me. But the hard part is while living - explaining to them what it's like... the daily struggles etc. Maybe the daily struggles are the missing parts? I just don't feel whole any more. And if I'm "doing everything right" like the docs say - why aren't I feeling any better... I'm not looking for a cure, just some relief...

 

[Reclusive]

Well, the disclosure thing seems to vary from person to person. Unless they have PTSD too, they'll never be able to understand. It takes time, though, and we literally have to re-wire our brains, and that takes time and repetition and practice. But it happens, so keep at it.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Happy Head- I totally understand about the new therapist. I have a new T., too. I am acting very normal because ---I do not know why!! Trying to see if I can trust her. I have kind of alluded to it, but not too seriously.

I cope with music, trying to connect with family (impossible!) and reading, or tv or whatever I can find. I find help here, too, even if it is the world wide net! :-)

 

[Tosh]

I've had the same thing your talking about. Journaling and just telling myself "this too shall pass" helped, but therapy was key. I know if must be hard having a new therapist. Sending HOPE and STRENGTH your way! :)

 

[Happy Head]

Thanks all. I met with the p-doc this week and he actually mentioned hospitalization. I was shocked and I'll admit, scared. I had never thought about the possibility... Still not sure what to think. Anyway, he adjusted my meds a bit and I go back on Monday... not sure how or what I think about all of this...