How Do You Date?

[stayingalive86]

Hey guys. I am still new to this community, but I am very grateful to have people who understand. I am curious, for those of you who are single, how do you date? I find dating partially hard. It's easier since coming out of the closet. I always thought i wasn't into guys because of my past abuse, but then I realized it was because I was into women. But even with women I find it hard to date only because certain things can trigger my PTSD. simple things too. I had to break up with my last girlfriend because she triggered my PTSD so bad. I even discussed it with her, but she continued to do certain things. I am just scared that I am never going to find love because people either won't want to put up with me, or because I will push them away because I feel like I don't deserve them/bringing them down.

How do you guys cope? Has it gotten easier with time?

 

[hodge]

I am married and hetero, but feel I can try to respond. I have found that the best way to cope with my relationship is to save my crap for my therapist. Yeah, sometimes, I vent to my husband, but I really try to keep it to a minimum, because I know it wears on him. I would say have therapeutic support, so you don't bring anyone down, at least not very often. You deserve a good woman. They're out there. You just have to believe you deserve it. I was with all the wrong guys till I decided I deserved someone who could really care for me. I was lucky to find him. We've been together 18 years. Keep your needed standards and wait for the one who meets them. Just my two cents. Good luck!

 

[darwin]

*sigh* I am trying to find answers here too, and I'm not sure if there are any

how do you date when you are damaged goods as far as everyone else is concerned? On top of that, all of my friends have disapeared and family is unsupported even saying I have a made up illness, so I have no social mobility at all

doomed to be alone? should I just work on getting used to it?

 

[illusionist]

It can be done.....it's finding someone whom you are compatable with and being at the stage where you are ready for a relationship. I know I tried relationships..kept screwing up until I realised I was the problem in my choices, reactions, thinking, and behaviours within a relationship. I took time out, learned and realised a lot about myself...worked on myself and then formed the relationship I am in now. For me, it was so, so important that I had that time out for self growth...otherwise I would still be going round in circles.

 

[scout86]

doomed to be alone? should I just work on getting used to it?

Not necessarily. But first you have to work on this...

how do you date when you are damaged goods as far as everyone else is concerned?

I seriously doubt you'll find anyone here who'd label you "damaged goods", although you'll find plenty of us who get the concept. So, the "everyone" part definitely isn't true. As far as the damage goes, what happened in the past isn't as important as where you go from here. Would you say that someone who survived 3rd degree burns over 70% of their body is "damaged goods" and should resign themselves to being alone for life? I kind of doubt it. But that's some pretty major damage and can leave someone pretty unattractive, physically. There are going to be people in this world who will love and appreciate you for who you are. They just have to have a chance to get to know you.

 

[darwin]

Hi scout, thank you for the response.

I guess when I say "everyone" it's because I have lost faith in human beings to be anything more than basic. In my experience, women don't want to date somebody who isn't somebody, who can't take them to concerts and out dining at least. And with no income and a problem like PTSD, I just don't think anybody would. Maybe 1 in a million tho?

 

[illusionist]

Darwin....there are women out there who are not looking for these things...many are looking for a healthy relationship and who are willing to overlook certain things.

I could also say that men just want a woman who will keep him happy in all departments and look sexy all the time.....and that's certainly not me. My man accepts the good with the bad because he accepts me for being me.

 

[darwin]

I believe you that there are women who will overlook it once they know the guy and are invested in him. But how do you get to that point? You have to go through the ritual first and pass the litmus test. How will any woman get to know me if I'm saying hey come hang out on my couch with me. I promise I like things like going out and traveling and such but I just can't do it now. What woman who isn't already invested a guy would do that?

There's no mechanism, no way of meeting and socializing when broke and jobless.

I'm just gonna get used to being alone again and leave it at that.

That way I won't have to face being abandoned again.

 

[Crow]

I love the discussion here.

For me I just stopped dating and plunged into self-work. T said recently that not being in a romantic relationship sped up my healing for cptsd. It was difficult for eight years or so but now I'm so much more confident in my needs and wants and who I am and my boundaries are better developed.

I know it's not a path for everyone. But after my partner died suddenly 10 years ago, and I tried dating...which was a nightmare of triggers, I figured I'd concentrate on self care for a while. It's worked out great and I'm starting to date now - with little or no triggers.

 

[darwin]

CrowFeather, that's very encouraging. I was actually thinking along these lines last night. Spent some time at the book store browsing. Looking for something that fits (unlike 99% of self help books), ways to work on myself. I wish there were shortcuts to finding the best ways to do it. :ninja::alien:

 

[illusionist]

What I found was that once I was romantically involved my symptoms heightened again....but what I had learned in my period of self growth..coping skills....I kicked into action...it took years (7) for me to get to the stage of actually believing we MAY have a future....and hope that it may happen. We are very close but trusting in my own long term happiness with someone else, is very hard for me. To me, it's easier to take control of my own happiness, by myself, but I would lose out on so much.

 

[darwin]

That is really interesting illusionist, I was already with my ex when things came crashing down. This trip into the unknown should be interesting. But it's also a very sad time for me right now. I know i don't want to be alone. But maybe it's for the best.