How Do You Date?

[scout86]

There's no mechanism, no way of meeting and socializing when broke and jobless.

This kind of thing is a real problem. And I'm in no position to give advice, really. (I have a job, but that's pretty much where I "meet people".

I've had a version of this conversation with my therapist. He says I've "managed to avoid most of the usual stereotypes". Which, I guess, means if there's a guy out there who'd find me to be worth the trouble, he's probably one in a million, like you said. Doesn't mean he's not there. I guess it does mean the odds of crossing paths aren't great. Don't give up on the idea, though. Work on yourself, be the best version of you that you can, and that "1 in a million" might just show up.

I actually think there are a lot of things worse than PTSD. If it forces you to examine who you are and consider who you want to be, I think it can actually have an up side. I find someone who's capable of that sort of thing, and who thinks about things to be a lot more interesting that someone who likes to strut around to impress people.

 

[Friday]

I don't date right now.

Which may, or may not, have been a mistake. LOL. We'll see.

My first time around (apx 5-7 years), I dated & f*cked around, tons. Pretty much, if there was a way to nuke an amazing relationship, or stick with a bad one? I did that. I also had some really freaking gorgeous amazing relationships with phenomenal people who even still talk to me. ;)

This time around I decided I needed to unf*ck my life before trying to add anyone to it.

Which is a pivotal change. Last time, dating was distracting. I added myself to their life -for a time- and then left to go on with my own when I was done with that. I didn't add people to my own life. My own life was in a constant state of flux.

It's harder, for me, not dating & not f*cking around. When I make a connection with someone, I pretty much just wanna roll them into bed. If they're still interesting after that? Then maybe we can date/become friends.

This whole becoming friends first, thing? Throws my head for a major loop. This just isn't the way dating is done... Except it is. Getting to know people, become friends, then willing to risk that friendship by dating them? That's what most of the best marriages I know are based off of. Scares me white, lemme tell ya. Friends are more precious to me than anything. Risking losing a friend by dating them? Makes me queasy. And yet...

...What is dating for? To me that's the whole question. Is it simply about enjoying someone? Sex? Distractions from hard things? Or am I looking for a partner in crime? Someone I can really look at spending the rest of my life with? That's where I'm coming from, this time around. I've already had a bad marriage, & Ive already f*cked up what probably could have been any of several good marriages, by being in the wrong frame of mind. So I know what doesn't work, for me. Done that in spades. So this time I'm trying something different. No hard and fast rules. Just... Different. Friends first. Shudder. We'll see. Maybe it will work, maybe I'll be alone for the rest of forever. It's new territory. IDK what to make of it, yet.

 

[darwin]

Scout86, so true, I've actually been thinking about that, I do believe I've come a long way as a person through this. Thank you for the reminder. :)

Friday that's a very interesting look at it, it's funny how we are willing to date those who aren't friends but not those who are, lol, if nothing else PTSD does bring to the front some of the odd behaviors of humans. Maybe that's a good tactic, don't look for a partner or a distraction or fun, just look for friends.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Ever watch a train wreck in super slow-mo? Well, that's what my dating experiences are like.. lol

 

[Blackbird89]

My now husband had a lot of anger issues back when I first told him. I was straightforward and told him exactly what happened. He went to therapy with me to understand what he could do to help me for a while. But he stuck by me through drug addiction and he's never stopped supporting me, which I believe is the biggest reason I'm alive today.

I know we've all been to hell and back but if some one is going to love you for who you are, I think they should be allowed to to know the real you from the start. :)

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

My now husband had a lot of anger issues back when I first told him. I was straightforward and told...

It was good that you were honest. Try not to associate what happened to you in the past with being the "real you", though. The "you" back then was merely a victim of unusual and very cruel circumstances. It helps to look at it that way, which is the truth.

 

[Blackbird89]

When I said the "real" me, I meant who I am today, as a whole. Problems and all. He takes the good with the bad and never judges me.


Thank you for the kind words though, Whispering.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

When I said the "real" me, I meant who I am today, as a whole. Problems and all. He takes the good w...

You're welcome, friend. I aim to please. ;)

 

[Spiderallis]

Dating is a complicated and confusing process, PTSD or not. I'm afraid I still give off an 'injured bird' smell and the potential suitors may be predatory in nature. It'll be worth waiting until I'm doing better with the symptoms, in the meantime I'd do better to meet friends. Maybe sometimes a friend that doesn't always keep their clothes on, but I'll keep that vague.

 

[darwin]

Dating is a complicated and confusing process, PTSD or not. I'm afraid I still give off an 'injured bird' smell and the potential suitors may be predatory in nature. It'll be worth waiting until I'm doing better with the symptoms, in the meantime I'd do better to meet friends. Maybe sometimes a friend that doesn't always keep their clothes on, but I'll keep that vague.

I chuckled at that.

Maybe I should realize the same thing about injured bird, perhaps masculinity has blinded me to that. Woman can be just as carniverous as men after all. Just in different ways sometimes.