Relationship How Do You Get A Ptsd Sufferer To Talk About Feelings?

[Venusian]

HI Mitch,

I read your initial post and I think you have been given some good advice. I have PTSD and when I try to talk about emotional things it is like everything gets jumbled up in my mind when I try to verbalize it and it gets very frustrating. I find myself avoiding the questions just because I don't know what to say. I know what I feel and I hope that my actions speak for me and don't get misinterpreted. I have only just recently ever thought about this reaction as part of the PTSD and I don't yet know how to fix it. Learning how to talk in a non-confrontational manner may help and learning to listen to her nonverbal communications might give you a way to understand what she is feeling. I know this isn't a solution but it could be a start if your wife is anything like me.

I hope that you can find something to make life easier from the forums here. I know I have learned a lot about myself and thought about things differently since I joined.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hey Mitch, something else I remembered:

I can only address one issue at a time with my husband, any more and he overloads and the whole conversation goes down the drain. Either he disengages , eyes blank and unfocused with a slight look of fear, or he gets mad and storms out.

It is still a work in progress and we still struggle but I won't give up - jeepers it is H A R D

Wishing you all the luck, x

 

[Barberian]

Suggestion: Have her write out what is bugging her the most about day to day things. Then discuss it. Have a time frame, number of topics, and ground rules set up beforehand. Let her suggest the ground rules and time limit. Maybe only 5 min. maybe 30. What ever works. Let her be in control. Let her have the power. Feelings of being overwhelmed by little things are common with severe PTSD. If she has the power to start, pause, or stop the conversation, she may feel more open to the idea.

It is not uncommon for a caregiver to assume a "parental" role in a relationship. Either member of the relationship may feel resentment to the situation and it slowly poisons the relationship. Reasure her, you are there to help, not control the situation.

After a while removing or reducing the daily things that bug her, she may feel more inclined to open up about the bigger things.

 

[LizardViolet]

I don't recall what the source of your wife's trauma is, Mitch. My bf was abused as a child (emotionally and physically) and if he revealed feelings, they were generally used against him. What we talk about really depends on his state of mind. I'll ask him about more objective things (what did you do today?). I don't prompt him in most cases to talk about his feelings about current stuff, or about things from his past. I let him open up as he feels comfortable and able to. Then I listen. Sometimes I respond, if he (for example) tells me about an attitude or an action that his mother or father had in the past. (Then I might remind him that their behavior was screwed up, that what they did shaped the way he thinks about himself now but that they were wrong.)

He has told me only a few times about how he felt as a child (a time he felt safe, a time he was angry). He has told me only once about how he FELT about a significant event during his military training, whereas I've heard the story of the event multiple times. And as he told me, he pointed out that he had told nobody else, not even his mother, how he had felt at that moment.

These days, he feels a lot of emotional pain, especially when he's remembering things, and he has told me multiple times that he's numb. He has a very hard time expressing positive emotions -- I can count the number of times he's told me he loves me probably on one hand, and only one of those times was in person (and he was very drunk at the time). He expresses affection physically, not verbally.

All that to say that feelings are dangerous and difficult. You may want to start with just creating times and spaces that are safer for conversation of any kind. And I agree that she gets to decide when she's done talking.

 

[Mitch]

Have her write about everything that bugs her?:eek: Blimey that'll be a long list and I get the feeling I'll be at the top of it. :rolleyes:
In answer to Lizard Violet; my wife has been the victim of both physical and sexual abuse from her childhood and into her adulthood. It was a long time ago now, but obviously the scars still run deep and will be lifelong.
It is useful coming on here because I don't feel so alone now and I've had some good advice. My point of view has been changed a little too and I think that is a good thing.

 

[ProudWife99]

Mitch - You've received some pretty excellent advice. I have little to add, only that be prepared to not like what you hear. I have begged my H to talk to me about how he feels, then when he does his feelings hurt me. Sometimes not because they're directed towards me, but because his pain causes me pain. He sees this and refuses to talk again because he doesn't want to hurt me more.

No matter what I'm feeling, I really try hard to keep my face blank when he opens up to me. I rarely respond right then and there, just tell him how much it means to me for him to share and that I know it was difficult. I want to say so many things, but I don't. I wanted him to share for him and create safety in our relationship and I try to remind myself of that often. His sharing is not about me.

Take care of yourself!

 

[Tinyflame]

At this point Mitch, ptsd is life-long, there's no cure. :(

I agree with the others.
Also, I just know for myself if I'm simply not asked a question mostly everything I wouldn't volunteer (of my own volition). Especially at 'lousy' times.

 

[Mitch]

Yes proudwife I have had some good advice. I'll try to put it into practice, brace myself, stay calm and not be too quick with my replies. Thank you all.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

I have also learned that I don't always like what she does tell me when she opens up, so if you want to ask, be prepared to hear what may not want to. You might not like the answers...

 

[Lucycat]

I am uncertain about this whole thread. When I was first diagnosed I had no concept of my feelings. When T asked me what I was feeling I looked at him blankly. I simply did not understand the question.

If Rory had also been asking me about my feelings I would have been very upset as it is frustrating not to understand something that clearly others do.

Learning to understand, recognise and acknowledge feelings has been work I have done with my therapist. It is not Rory's job. I don't want it to be his job. I don't want Rory to think he is my T.

If Rory had sat and told me how or what he is feeling it would have made no difference. He might have said he was happy or sad or whatever but I had no concept of how that feels inside. I just knew that happy was good and sad was bad - not what it actually felt like to experience.

I would agree that talking is good. Communication is very important, but please talk about other stuff. Everyday mundane conversations are so important. Letting her know you are listening is important, but please don't turn both your lives into one long therapy session. You both need time out from that.

 

[jibber]

My first supporter was my roommate at the time when my symptoms first started and before I realized that I had a problem. I was horrible to live with. She knew I never voluntarily talked about my feelings, so she never once pushed or asked me directly what was wrong. Instead, she would calmly let me know when i'd said or done something out of line, sometimes just by raising her eyebrows and giving me a look. sometimes that made me pause, mostly it just pissed me off more. What she did do however was make sure to have a lot of time where it was just the two of us. We always had a tradition of having "wine nights" before we lived together to catch up, so this was what she did. She's suggest a wine night, we'd drink a bottle or two and talk. Mostly I'd just lie through my teeth and say I was just having a tough time not having a job. Sometimes i didn't even know that was a lie. But, one night I found myself telling her that I'd been having nightmares, and then it all came out. She told me she'd been waiting for this for 4 1/2 months, ever since I'd sent her an email from lebanon telling her i'd been attacked.

My point is that like a lot of other people have said, you can't push it, but don't underestimate how important it is to keep conversation, ANY conversation open. It took me months of hours and hours of conversation about nothing at all before I could work up telling her. Now, over a year later, it's gotten to a point where I can phone her up and tell her that I had a nightmare or a flashback.

Also, I have no idea if this will help at all, but one of the things that made me feel I could trust my friend was that I was had always been her person that she went to with her issues. She's been through her fair share of hell, and sometimes, especially when I was having a good day, I'd hear myself talking to her about not blaming herself, about allowing herself to feel bad about what happened, and that she was in no way a weak person for being affected by it. I could easily apply all this to her, and it made me wonder why I could never do the same with myself. But, it made it easier for me to talk about it knowing that she felt safe coming to me as well, if that makes any sense.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes jibber, it makes perfect sense.
I'm glad for you.