How Do You Keep Going When You Can't Escape?

[tphillips117]

Complex PTSD has been a struggle in my life for 6 years. I had it way before then, but life was stable enough that it was masked to a large degree.

During the day, from the moment the drugs I take at night to allow me to even fall asleep, I'm plagued by debilitating anxiety. My heart races, I have adrenaline rushes, and everything, anything and anyone can be a trigger. I have angry outbursts. As soon as I feel defensive, "attacked" or like something is about to happen beyond my control, I'm like a tiger ready to pounce. Everything crumbles. My emotions are extreme bouncing from crying one minute to completely empty the next. I never quite know what I'm thinking or feeling. My short term memory is shot. This causes a lot of irritation among my kids and husband as I don't recall conversations or content of conversations I do recall having.

At night, all bets are off. I'm so anxious to try to sleep that I'm sleep deprived because that's a better alternative to night terrors. I try to relax while experiencing total body muscle tension. When I convince myself to relax, I'm tense again without even realizing I did it. Sleep deprivation has wrecked havoc on my mind and my body. There is no escape. I have been on every drug imaginable. Now I'm overdosing to get some relief, but when the drugs run out, I'll be in worse trouble. No doctor wants to give me more of anything, and understandably so.

Ive lost hope. I can't escape. I can't escape during the day or at night and no one understands my experience. I am angry and volatile. I am sad and full of rage. I am heartbroken and broken in general. No one can help me and I've lost the will to help myself.

 

[7Cs]

I'm sorry you're living through this nightmare. You sound a lot like me years ago. While by no means symptom free, life is much more tolerable now.

For me the right medications made all the difference, especially in the beginning. May I as what you take? Maybe it's time to try something new.

 

[tphillips117]

I take trintellix for depression (I'm on the max dose of that), but I've taken every SSRI, SNRI and MAOI on the market. I've been on all the benzos at various times. I've been on propranolol and prozasin to try and control the nightmares, all different dosages--no difference. I've been on depression adjuncts like abilify and the like. It all works until it doesnt. I'm on gabapentin right now, seroquel too--for sleep, and xanax, that I've taken so much of that I've become tolerant, which always happens with benzos. When I complain about my symptoms, I get the same reply from everyone. PTSD is notoriously hard to control with medication. I've been In residential treatment and to a speciality trauma unit that I just got out of 2 weeks ago. I was supposed to be there for 6 weeks, but I was the only ptsd client and everyone else was DID. No offense, but you have no idea how hard it is to connect to someone who has 50 documented personalities. It became so bad (people losing it everyday) that my anxiety became to much to manage and my treatment team thought it best to discharge me after 5 days. It was another hope, that went down in flames.

I don't want to live like this. This is no quality of life. My husband can't stand my volitity and I think he wants a divorce. I understand although I could use his support. But to not have it is better than to hope for it and not get it.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

YES. Yes. Yes to all.

My absolute favorite thing about finding this forum is that this is the one space where I am not crazy and EVERYONE can relate. Ok not every single person but so many of the symptoms I have are shared by SO MANY PEOPLE that it helps me not feel out of control or weird. In fact I'm smiling broadly when I read all the symptoms and laughing in relief because I'm not the only one!

I've made a regular friend on the forum and we write every day and share our lives (mostly the way it's pretty much intolerably hard and we can't really handle it) and we can't stop cry-laughing because everything we're going through is almost exactly the same.

so I'll just check mark style off some things I am also doing right now:

- first I also have had CPTSD my whole life but it was manageable and I covered it up through overachieving and perfectionism b/c I didn't even know what CPTSD was until 2 or 3 years ago
- I have had insomnia my whole life and it's flared up right now. The sleep deprivation makes me want to kill everything in sight, even inanimate objects. Actually especially electronics and objects in my house that insist on making life difficult for me.
- My predominant emotion is anger. At everything. I've always hated this town that I live in but now it's unbearable and everyone is the dumbest person I've ever met, every part of the culture is defeatist, I hate the lifestyle and even the weather is not cooperating. I even cussed someone out that I was tired of pretending to be nice to. He took it ok b/c he knows I have a mental issue right now.
-I can't remember ANYTHING. I used to be have the best memory of anyone who knew me and now I can't find my keys and they're in the door for hours. To this day I can't find the sliced turkey I bought that I must have left somewhere. I'm still waiting for it to smell so I can find it. Like FML.
-I have a neurological tremor that rises when I'm tired, hungry or angry. Which is all the time.
-I'm so nauseous I haven't been able to drive so I'm stuck in a house I hate.

So yes. This is cPTSD in all its glory. I just started EMDR to heal this and it's going really well, so not only is hope out there, but others here are also stuck in this endless cycle of horrible feelings and the insanity of sleep deprivation. You are not alone!

 

[tphillips117]

I DO feel like I'm losing my mind!!! I don't understand what is happening and as soon as I feel like I do, some new, crazy symptoms appear. People in your life forget that you are NOT operating under any normal parameters at all but then you don't get taken seriously because you are just being "crazy". It's like you want to be taken seriously but then you question everyone's motives and your own thoughts and feelings and then it's just a recipe for anger and resentment and frustration. I feel like the scapegoat and I just want everything and everyone to stop the roller coaster and I want to get off. I want to get off this ride! And I can't, and I don't know what to do about it. :(

 

[7Cs]

I DO feel like I'm losing my mind!!! I don't understand what is happening and as soon as I feel l...

My moods are swinging high and low right now so I'm not in the same place as I was a few hours ago when I responded but I wanted to say...

You're not crazy.

And that I still think a med change is in order.
My magic combo was lamictal and risperdal. If you haven't tried it yet mention it to your p-doc.



That said I need to go back on mine. Stupid of me to go off. I'm such a mess right now.

 

[Sea_lady]

@tphillips117 You are definitely not alone... Believe me...

I am actually in a sort of dark place like you right now because I cannot get the changes I need, and I wish I could give you the solutions on how to escape from this jail. All I can do is recommend you some of the stuff that helped me: EMDR, meditation with breathing exercices, massages and create an environment free from anything that could trigger flashbacks or/and the survivor 'fight or flight' response.

You have a family: it is important that they understand your condition, or they will do and say things that can trigger a negative response in you, and everybody could then get hurt. Adjustments must be made in your life according to your needs. Their needs are also important, so it could be good your husband and kids see or talk to someone specialised in PTSD too. Appropriate adjustements can help making life easier, like living in an environment you feel SAFE, and not pushed. Good luck.

 

[tphillips117]

My husband sees a therapist and actually started seeing her to help him understand what I was going though. I've been on a steady decline emotionally for a long time. I have a wonderful therapist who actually informs my husband when he triggers me that he should leave the house for a while for his own safety. He triggers me into a blinding rage at times in which I lose space and time for a second and worry about my potential. Even texting him leaves me with my hands shaking when I feel like he's not getting it--whatever "it" is at that moment. I know I've done things I'm not proud of. While I think I am very self aware and insightful, I also know how bad things are and how bad they can get. I've largely sheltered my kids as much as I can from the impact, but I still know that I'm not the kind of present, patient Mom I'd like to be and this leaves me with more guilt and shame.

I feel like I'm in a no win solution, and even though I feel as though I'm being articulate here, I still struggle to explain my experience. Maybe that's just what you guys understand without my having to explain it.

I'm so sad. I'm sad at the soul level. I'm desperate. I don't want to live like this another minute.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

Even texting him leaves me with my hands shaking when I feel like he's not getting it--whatever "it" is at that moment.

This is me every single day - my hands shake while I text 80% of the ppl in my life because they anger me so much. I've had to make big chances in who I talk to and hang out with so they don't do that as much now, starting this week. But I get angry to shakes very often in my life.

I literally said the same words you just said to my therapist during our first meeting: I can't live like this anymore. I have no capacity anymore. I had to cut so many people out, which is new for me, but it does help to regulate who is in my circle now.

 

[tphillips117]

I've cut people out my whole life. Not because I had depression or PTSD, but because I recognized a toxic relationship when I saw one. Granted, I was on my own, I was single and I could do that virtually with no consequences. Now, I have my husband--who is literally the only person who triggers me to rage and whom I angry for not understanding me, and sad because of the horrible position he is in. Like I've said, I feel like I can't win. No matter what I do, I'm free falling. Part of me wishes he'd just go and so I won't have to pretend to be nice or be helpful when all I want to do is claw his eyes out. Part of me worries about our kids and the implications of a broken home. I can't make any promises. I don't know when I'll get over it. I don't know how long it will be before I feel better or don't think about shooting myself in the head on a daily basis. I don't know. I can't even promise that I'll like him 30 seconds from now. I used to be able to hide my feelings; now they're on full, terrifying display for all to see. And that's not who I used to be. I'm the one behind the scenes, not making the scenes. I guess the bottom line is that I don't know who or what I am anymore.

 

[Sea_lady]

@tphillips117 : Yes, I do understand what you mean, and I believe many people in the forum can relate to these moments when adrenaline rushes and fuels rage. I also feel like a fierce animal when I am on the 'fight' mode. The feelings of guilt and shame are part of PTSD. The condition makes us hurt ourselves and hurt those we love, but you are not responsible for these fits if you reacted to a triggering stimuli. PTSD creates a lot of disruptions, it is true, and one has to mourne the dream of living a normal life and accept. I would like to tell you that taking some distance regarding these feelings could be good, but I know it's very hard to ignore such feelings.

It would be great if you could talk to your therapist. Maybe she will help?

 

[7Cs]

you are not responsible for these fits if you reacted to a triggering stimuli.

I believe we are always responsible for our actions and reactions.

It's just that we need to have compassion for ourselves when we know we have lost control. Beating ourselves up with guilt and regret will make no difference other than to victimize ourselves with self abuse and could perpetuate our abuse of others... after all "it's not our fault".

Compassion and self-forgiveness and determination to get better.