How Do You Keep Going When You Can't Escape?

[7Cs]

I've cut people out my whole life. Not because I had depression or PTSD, but because I recognized...

You mentioned being in treatment recently.

How much worse have you gotten since you were there?

 

[N1982]

Complex PTSD has been a struggle in my life for 6 years. I had it way before then, but life was s...

I know how you feel, Im feeling like that today and not sure what to do.

 

[tphillips117]

"It's not my fault" feels like it falls on deaf ears. It not like anger you have because you don't get your way. Or anger because you feel slighted by someone else, it's rage from within. It's rage at yourself, sometimes turned outward. It's frustration as losing control of your mind and your actions. It's the maddening thoughts that other people are seeing your pain and instead of helping they hurt you, and they do it on purpose! Sometimes complicitly and sometimes by omission. I just want everything to stop and I don't have any good answers or any good options.

 

[Wendy]

I can relate to all of the things on this thread. It both scares me and relieves me that I'm not alone. I think the world we live in is crazy-making--violence everywhere, hate, abuse of every kind imaginable, focus on trying get us to work to death to buy junk we don't need, pressure to be skinny, perfect, no wrinkles. I find myself angry every day at the bullshit that is pushed on us. I start to wonder if everyone else is the crazy ones, because they all go along through life like all of things are normal and ok and not bothersome. Maybe we are the sane ones who actually manifest the pain of all these hateful things in the world. I dunno...but it really sucks.

 

[tphillips117]

I've asked my husband to leave me. I don't think I will ever trust him again--no matter what he says or does. He triggers me into maddening rage. He had to leave the house for his safety. I can make no promises to him. I want to be alone. That's all I want--just to be left alone. No one understands this crazy ride that gets faster and faster with each passing minute. I'm just waiting to be flung off. This is going to kill me.

 

[tphillips117]

I know how you feel, Im feeling like that today and not sure what to do.

You reached out and replied to my thread. That's something. :)

 

[7Cs]

"It's not my fault" feels like it falls on deaf ears. It not like anger you have because you don'...

Trust me, I wish many of my reactions had not been my fault.

I have said many cruel, hurtful things to my husband and even to my children that I regret and at times have hated myself for. I've acted in ways that bring me so much shame. To be unable to protect you family from yourself - when you would never ever allow another person to say those things or act those ways towards them - there are no words to express how that feels. But I'm going to assume you understand.

It may not be my fault - because those are symptoms not choices - but I am still responsible for them. It is still my responsibility to try my damnedest to change and get better so they don't have to deal with it.

No one understands this crazy ride that gets faster and faster with each passing minute.

I understand. You're not alone. Here on this site you are with kindred souls.

I'm sorry to hear about you and your husband.
I wish he could give you the support you need.

 

[tphillips117]

Trust me, I wish many of my reactions had not been my fault.

I have said many cruel, hurtful things to my...

I wish he could too. I think he would like to, but its hard to play by the rules when the rules are always changing. What he and others don't seem to get is that the rules change for me too. I'm playing his game for the first time, just like everyone else. I am all over the place, emotionally. I lost my mind and my temper last night because I asked my husband to be home at 6pm. He strolled in at 6:08. We have a long history with him not living up to time commitments, so this mattered to me. I felt completely let down, disappointed, angry, and distrustful. To him, it's like "what's the big deal?". To me, it meant an opportunity for him to be here and time and understand that it was important to me--as irrational as it seemed.

But, I guess I'm just the crazy lady.

 

[erigby]

I am sorry you are struggling so hard right now.
I share many of the same feelings and emotions you have expressed here.
I am glad you are reaching out for support.
I too feel my emotions are all over the place.
The accompanying severe depression has brought them down from anger and irritability to numbness and heaviness...so at least its different.
You are not crazy.

 

[tphillips117]

I feel crazy! I feel absolutely depressed, angry, full of rage, irritable, sad, emotional, confused, exhausted, and nothing at all. If that makes sense.

 

[erigby]

I feel crazy! I feel absolutely depressed, angry, full of rage, irritable, sad, emotional, confus...

All the feelings.
So much and yet none at all.
It sucks.

 

[Sea_lady]

I feel crazy! I feel absolutely depressed, angry, full of rage, irritable, sad, emotional, confus...

What I have just experienced this week is that people in the outside may not interprete a moment of anger kicked by adrenaline rushes as we do... That could explain why there is also misunderstandings.

Have you ever tried to speak (when you feel calm) with your husband and kids about her they feel and see you when you're on the "fight" mode?

How* they feel