How Do You Mourn or Grieve? WARNING

[pandora]

Fin...I have aslo experienced this loss too. I was in my 6th month in edmonton and feeling pretty alone too. they actually put me in a room with a new mother breastfeeding her baby ...my husband came in and flipped out and i was moved. Also when I had the ultrasound..the lady came in..did the ultrasound..looked at me and said there is no heartbeat, you will have to see your doctor and left me in the room. I went out balling, thankfully my husband was there. I never named the baby and did not know the sex..it was a sad and scary time. we knew no one out there and I only had my son and husband...they asked me if we wanted to have a funeral or have the baby buried with the other babies in the hospital.....that freaked me out but that is what happened. I have a baby buried in Edmonton..yep, I am triggered now. Just know I understand how painful this is.....

 

[fin]

Pandora know I grieve with you also, it is so very difficult to even allow ourselves time sometimes to mourn, and so often I have heard people, women and men being told that these things are for the best etc...I dont know if they are. But regardless of this I feel that people should if possible be allowed to mourn and grieve it is the hearts way of mending the pain and loss it feels.

And so as I have said above I have been working through some of this, and it is in bits and pieces that I do so.

I am coming to some kind of idea and thought maybe I could share it here in the hope that someone else may benefit from this also.

So hopefully unless I am "stood-up" again I may well go and sit along a river, this is something I used to do with my son when he was little. I know I will not be able to go alone and so I am praying that my care co-cordiantor does turn up tomorrow.

When my son was small I would take him into the town for supplies; we would buy some bread and cheese and a couple of apples and then on our way home we would go and sit along this beautiful stretch of river...he and I both used to love it there, very peaceful.

My son must have been going on 2 and upwards at the time and would just love to run around and would often squeal with delight at all the stuff around us. I have no bad memories from this place in time and therefore I can only hope that the good things I do think of there will also perhaps transfer across to my sorrow. I can only hope.

have to stop

~fin

 

[fin]

sorry more better maybe..


Because we would have bought supplies we would often sit and stay all afternoon and it was just very beautiful there, there were amazing trees and dappled light would filter through on hot summer days, I think this will be a good place to remember and think better.

It is as I have said my intention to go tomorrow, and if I can work through some more of this then I think I will have some kind of fitting ever achievable and constant memorial to the baby that I could not keep. It is right I believe to do this something, I really hope that this is the right thing to do.

And I also hope that I will be able to see my child as a baby, rather than anything that has come to me through my memory of that horrible day. This I believe is more fitting of the beautiful and innocent soul that left my body too early to experience life here in this world.

I have been unable to think past the garden thing at present because if and when I move from here the garden will be lost to me again. And I have lost other gardens in the past. This for me needs to be something or somewhere I can go and just be and exist solely in my thoughts, and be able to work through this sadness if I can. I am also hoping that because I do have beautiful memories of this time that they in turn will allow me to think brighter and more beautifully about my baby, rather than the emotions, memory and vision I have been trapped with and in for so long.

I believe because the earth and elements for me seem more eternal, that this will also hopefully give me comfort and bring reasurrance.

I will maybe have more news and will let you know how it goes. I don't know if this will work or even if it is a good idea, and it has been a few years since I went back to this stretch of river so.

Maybe it will hold some peace and comfort for me or maybe it wont, but unless I try I will never know.

Thankyou for reading again if you have, and thank you all for your encouragement.

In friendship and hope
~fin

 

[DrDanger1979]

Fin - beautifully expressed:

And if someone offers you their hand and you can know you trust it take it, they know why they do it, you may not need to. All you may have to do is be steadied by it. And you may also find that the hand is someone that has come through some other way to be able to help you. Like so many others here now I have also found people I have never known except through what they used to write, but they have written it for all of us, as I do now for myself but also for you. Be at peace in knowing that the lonelieness is maybe a state of mind. Because while I am alone physically in this world I am trying to see that it is only distance that seperates me from others, and I am not alone emotionally nor am I alone in thought. You are all so very dear to me and you may never know how much this has meant to me, but please know that my words are true here and I bare myself to you in honest friendship.

I very much appreciated the thought that thought we may be alone physically, we are not alone emotionally. Your words are encouraging, and thought-provoking. (As always!) Thank you for your insight into yourself, for it helps others, like me, to have greater insight into ourselves.

Thank you for your constant work, and openness here. It is invaluable.

Robert

 

[Manic11]

Dear Fin,

My partner of 5 years passed away less than a year ago. For the longest time, it didn't even hit me that he was gone. After it started to hit me, I was in the same position. I just didnt know how to mourn his loss. It's almost like I didnt want to because that would mean that he really is gone. But I had to accept it... I wrote a note to him. A letter. Telling him everything. How I am, what I'm doing, how I feel about him, etc. Then I put on a song that describes him and I, went for a walk and burned the letter. I didn't want to burn it at first but this was my way of releasing it to him. I also knew that if I didnt burn the letter, I would have a box of them and it would just weigh me down more...
This started to become a weekly thing. I started telling him how my week went and things like that. This actually helped me accept his loss because it made me feel that he's still here. Whenever I'm stuck I can feel his presence and I know what he'd tell me to do.
When I felt strong that he is right here with me, I began doing everything that he had wanted to do in his life. I wanted it to be as if he were to continue living on through me.
I'm not sure if this helps or not but I thought I should put it out there anyway because maybe there is something in my situation that could help you. One more thing that I did was tell funny stories about him. The ones that I know would at least make me smile. Maybe this would help...

I wish you the best. Stay strong, hun. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[fin]

Manic please be encouraged

I have avoided this thread for a while, it was and has been so hard for me to think and also to respond at times.

I am writing this now, because I wanted to say to you that I was thinking of you and please know you are not alone here on the forum I know it has been and can be difficult, I hope you are managing better And I also hope you will and are finding hope in how you are seeing things I think you have been so strong and also maybe you need to be rested and kinder in some way to yourself

Please know I wish you the best and know also you have strength and courage within you that is so precious, take care of you babe and be ever safe and sure, we take small steps sometimes but I believe they are still and can be good and surer ones, I wish for more smiles for you Thankyou ~

 

[Manic11]

Fin,

You're so strong. I hope that I have helped in some way by putting my story out there. You deserve help, you deserve happiness and I truely hope that you find it. You are so special and I love reading what you have to say.

Thank you so much for your support. Please remember to take care of yourself. Go do something nice for yourself! You deserve it!
I appreciate what you said. However, remember to take some of your own advice! :)

:Hug_emoticon:

Manic