Sexual Assault How Do You Move On?

[stayingalive86]

I don't understand how to move on. There are some days that are easier than others, but for the most part I don't know what to do. My doctors either way to shove pills down my throat or give me coping tools. I like the coping tools. I need something for the moment when the flash back and anxiety hits. But I need to stop running from what happened. I have been running all these years. I need to turn and face what happened, but I don't know how to do that.

I was sexually abused as a child by my brother in law at the time. I am pretty much over that for the most part, sometimes it still affects me, but enough time has passed. The tramua that I am still not over is my ex husband. I know there were countless times he raped me. He might not consider it rape, maybe even technically it's not. But I did a lot of things I didn't want to do because I had no where else to go. He knew this and used it against me to basically get whatever he wanted. Those memories bother me a lot. Sometimes I can still feel the physical pain. Or I will have a pain that will remind me of those experiences and it just turns my world upside down.

But there is one night I cannot get out of my head. I had a drink, then woke up in a room with ex husband (boyfriend at the time) and his friend. My pants were on the other side of the room. At the time I was a virgin and just stopped cutting. I never showed off my legs, ever. My ex kept telling me I must have took my pants off and thrown them on the other side of the room because I was hot or something. Afterwards him and his friend kept making jokes that I would end up pregnant by the toilet seat. I tried to just completely forget it ever happened.

I found a diary entry from back then. The entry before that happened, was very happy and hopeful. It was about how I wanted to wait until I got married to have sex. That it was probably not going to happen so I at least wanted to wait until I was 19 so he and I would be the same age. I talked about how I was scared and not really ready. I kept telling him I wasn't ready. It didn't feel right. Less than a month later we did have sex, we were both naked, I said I wasn't ready and he just put it in anyway. He accused me of not being a virgin. I told him I was as far as I knew, unless there was something about that night he wasn't telling me. He got upset. Later in an argument, like when we were already married, we were fighting and he just started crying. He went on and on about how the first time we had sex he raped me. He never clarified if he was talking about the night I remember or the night that I don't.

I just wish I knew how to move past this. I am happy for the therapy helping me cope in the moment, but I need to get through it. I am taking myself off the anti depressants because I feel like it's done nothing really but keep me from facing my problems. I have been running from this for 10 years. I have been in denial, using bulimia, cutting, whatever I can to not think about it. I think I need to finally face what happened and work through it. That's the only way. I can't keep running from the pain.

I just don't know how to go about doing it.

 

[Bloomy]

First Im sorry that all this horrible things happend to you.

Speaking for my self Im kind glad now that I cant remember what actually happned most of the times and specially the owrst things theyve done to me. I belive it would do me more harm then good if I were to remember all the grusome details of what they put me through. My brain is protecting me so I can survive is what I belive. I think that depending on how much trauma you been through there is a limit to what one can stand to know that you been trough. In my case If it was only one rape I could sort of live with those memories. But contless abuse and countless rapes over a decade is all to much.
In the beginning after the trauma I did want to know do. The uncertainty and the abusers twisted stories to what happend gave me a need for sure evidence more then my blurred mind and circumstances could give me.

Its grieve to know I had to surive all this. That it took time of my life away from me when I could have lived in peace and tranquility doing the normal things most people seems to do. Like education, having family and such.

On the how the move on Im still working on it. Im telling my self that cause of what Ive lived through I deserve to build my self a good life. I acknowledge its a rough road Im walking on in order to heal and regain my life. I cant predict the future, but I know if I dig my self down underground today itll effect the outcome in 5 years. So I choose to be as brave as I can manage. After I became member here I came to realise that it a rollercoaster ride to embark on the journey for something that is hopefully better. Some days are grusome. Some days are good. And some days are both grusome and good. Im learning how to deal with the harsh days. Not to choose wrong like Ive done in the past. I reach out here on this forum and ask for support and it helps.
Ive also changed to become an active person as I know this is what will keep me floating. Food as medicine I also found to be useful. And set a long term goal of something I want to reach as a torch when the days get dark and the road is rocky.

Not sure if any of this was useful, but I hope all the best for you - blessings.

 

[Friday]

Have you talked with your therapist about this?

I ask, because the first order of business is usually stabilization. Meds to head off crisis & allow therapy to start, coping tools to learn to handle the immediate symptoms, and then... Once you're solid in your coping mechanisms / stable on or off meds/ consistent self care to provide a firm foundation / etc... Pandora's box.

I railed against the 'stabilization first' thing for years. It might seem like common sense, since getting into trauma makes everything worse for awhile, and if you're not stable enough to handle it? Your life isn't set up to take the blow from increased symptoms? Things can go very bad, very fast. (Suicide, loss of home/job/relationships, inpatient hospitalization required, etc.). But I have this little thing with patience. As in virtually none.

It sounds like you're either almost stable, or already there. (As long as you don't discontinue your meds. Then it's waiting a few more months to taper, withdraw, & learn to apply coping mechs without meds. Roughly 3 months stable without them, makes it a 6mo+ Process for most antidepressants).

So before discontinuing your meds, I'd talk with your therapist about your treatment plan. Whether he/she thinks you're stable enough to begin the trauma portion, or what more should ideally happen first, and where coming off your meds fits into that or alters the timescale.

 

[stayingalive86]

I think I'm going to go back on my megs tomorrow. It's been around a week that ice been off then and I feel like walking out on my job or walking into a busy street. Neither is a really pleasant feeling.