General How Do You Not Take It Personally?

[Lola]

I've read through many posts on this forum, but I have just recently registered. I have a boyfriend with PTSD and we have been together for 3 years. His PTSD was diagnosed shortly after we began dating. It has taken some time for me to understand some of what he goes through and I try to be supportive. He is a wonderful, caring and loving person and I am lucky to be with him.
My problem though, is how not to take it personally. When he is having a bad day, or if something like a loud noise sets off an anxiety attakck, I can totally (now) not take it personally. I try to give him space, comfort, love and kindness and he always shows his appreciation.
But what about when it is personal? Sometimes when he is stressed and is having a lot of anxiety, he makes very personal comments. What if the comments he makes are about our sex life? Or about me as a person, partner, or mother (my children, not his)? Is this part of PTSD? Am I not supposed to take these things personally?

 

[xxarmywifexx]

HI Lola :hello:

I'm married to a man that has PTSD. I too sometimes struggle with the fine lines of this illness. But I have to tell you that when I feel attached on a personal level of which you speak of... I do call him on it. I don't let my husband use his illness as an excuse to abuse me with his words. If I give him love and compassion you better bet that I expect that back.

If your partner has complaints about what goes on in the bed, he should talk to you about it to improve not to make you feel bad. That is with every relationship. Communication is key. One thing that I learn on this forum is taking care of myself is first

You are in my prayers.

-xxarmywifexx

 

[Cowgirl]

HI Lola :hello:

But I have to tell you that when I feel attached on a personal level of which you speak of... I do call him on it. I don't let my husband use his illness as an excuse to abuse me with his words. If I give him love and compassion you better bet that I expect that back.

Wise words! It is also called setting boundaries.

My DH started whipping himself into a frenzie last evening. He was angry about the entire world. And at such times, since I am there, he will also lash out at me, since I am there. When he started down that path I said very firmly: STOP. RIGHT NOW. He blustered, about to give me a littany of reasons. I said "You are working yourself into another frenzy over nothing. Stop it this instant!" He stopped. I told him I love him. And we had an OK evening.

I'm not saying you can stop every ranting rage. You can't. Sometimes, you just have to pick up the purse and go shopping (yes, even at 11 pm). But whatever you do, do not tolerate him turning it at you.

It can get strange, what they will turn at you. My DH once threatened to end our relationship because the Post Office was closed. I kid you not. He got so angry, he was irrational. Screaming about the Post Office being closed. And, since I am the Post Office Goddess, indeed, sometimes, the Goddess of All Things, it was my fault. :rolleyes: :rofl:

Yeah. Of course, he was no more angry AT ME, than he was at the Post Office. But, I was there.

And that is, ultimately, the thing that is hardest for carers to understand. The rage, though directed at them, or at the Post Office, or the TV, really isn't about its current target. Not ultimately. The rage is about something that happened a long time ago. The fight or flight thing gets triggered, the hormones flow, the mind falls into its familiar thought patterns, they spin up into it, and out it flows.

So, if you understand that, it is easier not to take it personally. So, you have to deal with it by setting boundaries. Decide how to deal with those recurring issues. A distance boundary is often very useful - it allows the PTSD sufferer to vent while you aren't there, giving you some breathing room, and them no guilt when they come back out of it (because I don't think most of them are proud of the things they say or do when the "go there").

Hope that is of some help,

Cowgirl

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

But what about when it is personal? Sometimes when he is stressed and is having a lot of anxiety, he makes very personal comments. What if the comments he makes are about our sex life? Or about me as a person, partner, or mother (my children, not his)? Is this part of PTSD? Am I not supposed to take these things personally?

It's really hard not to take things personally. Especially if you're not the one suffering from the illness. But you need to set boundaries for yourself. If he crosses those boundaries, then call him on it and tell him how that makes you feel. His illness is not an excuse for making those kind of comments to you.

Good Luck :smile:

 

[spacwti]

when my spouse 'gets quiet' i cannot help but take it personal as well. and being a male,and this will probably sound really bad, but i always assume she has done something wrong(although i do not voice it) or is in physical pain. i havent really embraced the softer emotions...

i cant find a reason for "no reason", you know? but i guess it is real...

sp

 

[FlamingRock]

When he started down that path I said very firmly: STOP. RIGHT NOW. He blustered, about to give me a littany of reasons. I said "You are working yourself into another frenzy over nothing. Stop it this instant!" He stopped. I told him I love him. And we had an OK evening.

I wish that worked at my house, but it doesn't. And I think it's because, when he first returned from his deployment and would fly off the handle, people told me to just let it go, that it was normal, and that things would get better on their own. This did not happen.

I think the problem is that venting his frustrations on me became the norm in our house, and 20 months later, it's still what gets done. And if I tell him to stop, that he's getting carried away, that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, the situation only worsens, and then he moves into things that are personal attacks - and I know it's because I was a fool to listen to the people giving me (bad) advice almost two years ago, and didn't set any boundaries when the rages first occurred.

I don't know how to not take it personally. The thing is, I know that, most of the time, it's not directed at me; even so, I still can't shake it off. It hurts, badly, every time, and I feel as though I've reached my breaking point. Now, I just end up making the situation worse. At first, I'd just listen, and let him carry on, and try to let ti go. Then, I started crying every time he started, because I just felt so helpless, and hopeless. After having been yelled at for so long, for anything from there being mail on the kitchen counter to a waiter having gotten his order wrong, I feel like I can't take any more. I'm tired of feeling like a doormat, and I've started yelling back. And I say some pretty mean things, too, and I don't like myself for it.

I'm sorry to pour all that out here. This is one of my first posts. I'm usually a lurker, but this just really hit home tonight, because a nice evening was ruined when I (apparently) chose to walk around the wrong end of a car as we were entering a store, leading the hubs into a rage because he decided I didn't want to walk by him or be seen in public with him, when he was really mad (I think, although I'm not a mindreader, so I can't be sure) because someone took the parking spot for which he had been waiting. The anger wasn't about me, to start out with, but when I asked him to calm down, please, so we could go grocery shopping for things we needed, it got worse, then he did, in fact, direct the anger at me, and we ended up leaving before we ever made it into the store because he was ready to blow and I was on the verge of tears. It only got worse after that.

So, how do you make it work? And how do you set boundaries? And how do you manage to remind yourself that it's not you? I could use the advice, because I'm feeling a bit like I'm at the end of my rope and, when that runs out, it's going to be a hard fall.

 

[sweetface]

I suffer from PTSD. The only time my triggers are activated is if my partner abandons me or if there is perceived abandonment. WHen this happens, I remind him of his words and what he promised me, which is personal and can feel like an attack. I remind him of acountability to his words and committment, and that can seem abusive to men. I've seen many men don't take responsibility for the pain they bring women. Not all, but many. So, if it gets personal, I think you should write it on a grease board and visit the subject another time so you can communicate. If it's said it's because it's there and needs to be voiced. There is a belief there if it comes out, so it's best to address the 'personal' stuff when we aren't triggered.

Remember you can't fix us. But you can be there and just be present. The more present you are, without trying to fix us, the less pointed statements come out of our mouths.

 

[xxarmywifexx]

Oh FlamingRock,

If I could tell you the countless time where I felt I was in the line of fire with my DH's PTSD...we would be talking for days and days. There are times we go weeks without going shopping for food as a family.

I can't tell you how to set boundries. Things work for different people. Btw its never too late once you find that voice that your husband responses too, it will come. Since joining these very forums I have found that voice and for me, its my listening voice if that makes sense. I sorta repeat what my husbands frustrations are and ask him if there is anything I can do to help. Since I have found this voice lets just say we get our stuff done when it needs to get done.

This may not work for you. Just remember your not at fault for your DH's anger or outbursts. Remember to remain calm and analyze the situation the best you can before speaking. Things can quickly turn and as you know we all say things that are hurtful. We can forgive but we never forget that is one thing I can remember my aunt telling me.

One thing that helps me get through those rough times is remembering my husband is in pain. There is a reason why he is this way. You and your family will be in my prayers. Take care of yourself too, sounds like you need a little "me time".

Please take this with kind intentions :Hug_emoticon:

-xxarmywifexx

 

[Nicolette]

There are times we go weeks without going shopping for food as a family.

Just quickly on this one....while you can't push for your DH to participate everytime as sometimes he may be just too sick....I have found what sometimes works is actually making an 'appointment' up front. By this I mean saying "we need to go grocery shopping this weekend and I need your help....what day suits you best to go?" then on the day committed to (on the basis there is no deterioration in health or mindset) I then say "you agreed to go shopping today, please let me know what time suits you best or let me know when you are ready to go". Takes a bit of flexibility on my behalf but unless Anthony is really sick it has always served me well.

 

[xxarmywifexx]

Thanks Nicolette,

I'll try that next time to see if it works. Lately we have been doing fine on shopping together. :rolleyes:

 

[Ace Ventura]

Thank you for the input

Trying not to "take it personally" seems to be one of the most difficult PTSD issues for carers. With my husband (PTSD sufferer), it has gotten better over time; he has gotten better about stopping or leaving the room when he realizes he has gone into verbal "attack" mode. I know this takes a ton of self-awareness and self-control on his part. He says that at these times, all the negative emotions come over him jet-engine loud; while at the same time, his voices of reality and reason are like someone whispering across the room.
I really sympathize with the other carers posting on this. Some of the same qualities that allow carers to be empathetic, patient, and supportive are also qualities that can lead to us taking personal comments pretty hard. Over time, I think one does realize more and more that the comments, while directed at you, aren't ultimately about you. Sometimes, it helps me to think that when he says these things, he's looking at me, but he's really talking to his abuser/controller from years ago. I'd welcome more posts on this issue, as it is so pervasive.

Thanks for listening!

Ace

 

[Nicolette]

Some of the same qualities that allow carers to be empathetic, patient, and supportive are also qualities that can lead to us taking personal comments pretty hard. Over time, I think one does realize more and more that the comments, while directed at you, aren't ultimately about you.

Very true Ace!

I must say I am a little confused as you mention your husband but your profile says male. Of course I have no problems with same sex marriages but it didn't sound like that....am I confused or is there an error on your profile?