How Do You Observe Feelings Without Judgement?

[Mayday]

ITL said this in a post. I wonder how do you observe feelings without judgement? I do not know how to do this. I struggle with having feelings and I get all confused and mixed up. I would love to observe feelings without judgement.

I recently downloaded a whole lot of books by Cathy Glass, who spent many years fostering abused children...and although the stories were tough to read...in a way, reading about how she responded to kids when they were stuck remembering things and feeling so horrible, gave me a concept or model for how I could do that for myself, how I could "nurture" and listen to myself in that way.

Although I'm an adult now, a lot of the feelings I have and struggle with, belong to the child me...so relating to "her" as a child, almost like she's another person...seems to help. Maybe that will lead to me being able to have compassion for myself in the future, but at the moment that seems too unrealistic so this is the best I can do.

I think I have a lot of compassion for other people, but usually have little or none for myself. I see that a lot in depressed, sad, angry people...that they can be really supportive of someone else who is struggling, but always hard on themselves.

Finding it hard to explain myself (but that is nothing new!)

Have saved all the links to mindfulness etc... to read at another time, thank you everyone

 

[safenow]

This is hard to come to terms with because I have the feeling that in order for me to move on from the pain, I have to figure out what was done to me.

May I ask why you feel that way? If you wait to figure out what was done, you might end up waiting your entire life and not get to enjoy the good in life.

safenow

 

[Thinkingman85]

Because I want to get rid of my pain. I'd love to enjoy the good in life, but it is so painful when I go out and do it. I just want to be able to do it without any outside impediment. I always feel like there is something I have to deal with before I can get my life back on track. Instead of denying that feeling and continuing, I've finally stopped and am now facing my demons. I don't know if it is going to work out in the end. Maybe I will have to suffer, but enjoy life anyway. I'm trying my best to live my life the best way I can though.

 

[Anna]

Gizmo- Recently, over the past year my emotional numbness has been so extreme I have been able to observe emotions without judgment. I almost feel like a robot and it is totally bizarre in that I can see the logic and also can see when someone is about to become emotional. I do not know how this happened, as it did so over the past year. All I can say is that I do care about things, but I feel nothing. It is so hard to explain. I feel like a watcher, an observer a lot of the time.

It has also enlightened me to the fact that people waste their time and lives worrying, caring too much. Our life is so short and precious we should enjoy it whilst we can. Make the most of every moment.

Maybe it is because of the fact that lately there has been so much death around me. I have realised how lucky we are to just be alive. There is much evil in the world, but there is also good.

To observe feelings without judgment you need to distance yourself from the situation. It is a very hard thing to do. When you can though, it is totally bizarre. You can see things in a new light.

 

[timid_flower]

I wouldn't even try to figure it out. The answers to why he acted like this are beyond your thinking. You will never understand it even if you do figure it out. Unfortunatley. We just do not think like this.

This is hard to come to terms with because I have the feeling that in order for me to move on from the pain, I have to figure out what was done to me.

I think these are two different things.

On what was done to you, yes I think that's possible . It is possible and necessary to understand what that experience made you feel and the effect it has had in your life. We have feelings and behaviors as a reaction to that experience that we can identify and address.

Now when it comes to why it was done to you, well i don't think it's possible. We will never be able to fully understand what lead that person to do what they did. We may try to rationalize it, but we will never be that person. We'll never know for sure.

 

[saffy]

what was done to me.

Do you think you were tricked in some way? or do not understand how it got that far?

Would you recognise it if their were signs that make you think it might happen again?


Sometimes when we are anxious and confused about something is because we doubt our ability to recognise signs or to be able to deal with it before it got out of control. If you are not sure how it happened that makes it somewhat harder because you have no basis to work from. Is that what you are trying to figure out?

You might need some sort of closure and working out what happened so you can make a final decision about what to do about it. You can either allow it to wreck your life or you can get the skills needed to deal with it :)

This has to be based on knowing your feelings and emotions. You recognise the feeling when you are about to cry, or the feeling if someone hurts you either verbally or physically. You have to recognise the emotions and what they feel like as soon as you become uncomfortable. You might have forgotten how to recognise your emotions. I am only just learning about how I really feel about things. I was so conditioned and abused for every opinion or emotion I never knew what true emotions even were till recently.

In a lot of cases once the process is understood, the process is broken down to find out which part we are feeling worried about and that part is what is worked on. Being anxious will affect your behaviour, you might be very defensive in areas you do not feel safe in. Once we have the confidence in that area it allows us to relax in others. Hope that makes sense.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

I believe that I stayed in the situation too long. After both of my parents passed, I lived with my older brother for four years while he was a drug addict. After I left the situation, it seemed too late for me to make it on my own. I hit a point where I went through too much and I just didn't want to go on anymore. Basically, my will to continue was challenged. I developed the mindset of it's all a waste of time and it won't work out anyway. First, you lose both of your parents. Next, your older brother becomes an idiotic drug addict.

Now, I'm on my own. My past seems like it was a good story that went wrong. Thinking about living solo always makes me feel like it's a waste of time to get what I want out of life.

Basically, life has given me so much drama that it's hard to associate with it anymore. Facing my insecurities is something I focus on. However, it's hard to believe that it will work out. I'll probably just run into more problems. And the suffering will get worse and worse.

Sorry about sounding negative, I've just been searching for an answer for six years. I don't want to think that what I'm doing now is a waste of time, but I'm not sure how to get rid of an innate feeling that what I do won't really matter that much and I'll always be depressed.

 

[saffy]

Thinking about living solo always makes me feel like it's a waste of time to get what I want out of life.

Is this because you feel you have no one to share it with?

I can understand this, when I am very depressed I feel that nothing is worth getting up for, what's the bloody point. I could not find pleasure in anything. I realised I was basing my enjoyment on sharing which is always a good thing but I focusing so much on the wrong things I forgot about just enjoying that moment in time. Once I cut out the thought that I cannot totally predict the future but I can control my actions it made me feel stronger.

I am sorry to hear of your brother, it must be heart wrenching seeing him like that. But that is his path at the moment. The only way is to lead him toward another path, something you as brothers can both enjoy together. Take him hiking where he cannot get his drugs? just a thought.

Is he a different person off drugs?

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

Being an only child I can only think that if I did I would hope that we were friends so that we would never feel lonely.
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yes, I feel like the people I shared my life with are no longer in a good relationship with me. I feel like I've been through the motions and I can understand what life is like. Getting back into it is a challenge because it's hard to find enough motivation. If you built a temple and the temple falls, can you enjoy building another one?

My brother isn't on drugs right now. However, the way he has acted has kept me away from him for six years. He's a selfish and inconsiderate person. A large reason that I have PTSD is because of him. I think my life is better without him anyway.

I can't predict my future, but I have a general idea of what it would be like. I wish the idea could be more optimistic. I can't try to do everything when I feel a different way. I have to feel like life is worth it. There's so much work people have to do. If you have doubt that it all will pay off then you are in bad luck.

There's just certain issues that I have to come to peace with. It is going to be hard. It's all up to me and just having this awareness puts so much weight on my shoulders. It will be like this until the day I die... That's why it's hard for me to tread on. I will continue though because the unexpected can also happen. I hope my day comes again. Until then, I'll enjoy life as much as possible.

 

[saffy]

I will continue though because the unexpected can also happen. I hope my day comes again. Until then, I'll enjoy life as much as possible.

That is good to hear Thinkingman85 :)

Take time to empty your head of all other thoughts than what you are doing, it is so peaceful at that point. Very restful.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Abstract]

Gizmo- Recently, over the past year my emotional numbness has been so extreme I have been able to observe emotions without judgment. I almost feel like a robot and it is totally bizarre in that I can see the logic and also can see when someone is about to become emotional.

Hi Anna,

I am glad you have gained so much clarity and insight. Observing emotions in the context of mindfulness is not about distance really though and it is the opposite of numbness in many senses. It is about unjudgmentally experiencing the emotions. It sounds like you are almost in a dissociated space when it comes to emotions and mindfulness is the opposite of that.

If you are familiar with "wise mind" concept it seems you are living in Reasonable Mind and have cut Emotional Mind right out of your experiencing. The problem is that we are human beings and our true essence is to have a combination of both and when we do that a third dimension comes in and gives us clarity and feeling and truth. Looking at things without the emotional element is like missing out an entire source of important data that we need as human beings.

Mindfulness of emotions is about experiencing them and knowing where we feel them in our bodies but not labelling them as bad or too much or ourselves for having them. I hope this makes some sense.