How Do You Observe Feelings Without Judgement?

[saffy]

but this is a might not a definite ? do you acknowledge those underlying feelings? What will start you to think about the behaviour you do not want to act out? like what starts those negative feelings in the first place?


Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

It's kind of hard to explain. Even though it's not on purpose, I feel like I have a deep seated anger. An anger that keeps me distant from people. I'm not sure if it was because I witnessed the loss of both of my parents or how my relationship was with my older brother or feeling rejected by older friends. Somewhere along the line, I developed a feeling of not feeling normal. I don't know how to get it back. I hope that one day, I can look at a picture with a happy family and not have this odd alienated feeling. It will come as long as I continue learning about myself. Sorry if I come off as possibly negative, but I know that it is the PTSD.

 

[saffy]

Is it something you want to say then? or is it something you expect from them?

Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

I don't want to expect anything from anybody. I just want my mental stability back. I want to feel better. I think if I felt better, things would fall into place. It's frustrating not being there.

 

[Thinkingman85]

The PTSD part of me feels like I don't get cared enough by people, but I think it is probably the PTSD talking. I tend to see things negatively and it's hard to get out of that mindset, especially if you believe it. Hoefully, it's just depression talking.

 

[saffy]

Today I was suppose to go out for lunch and the person did not turn up or call. Then I invited a friend for a drink after she finished seeing her mum, she cancelled.

This time last year I would have been really distressed about this, thinking why, what have I done, they don't want to spend time with me, I have done something wrong, I am not important etc etc. I realised that I am going to stop blaming myself for other peoples behaviour. Or think that their behaviour is because it is me.

I do not feel rejected by their actions any more. I understand that their behaviour is part of how they think and that is who they are anyway. It is not me at all, I can say to myself I am a good person so who are they to judge me. I know myself better now.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

Yes if you feel low about yourself and are confused about the way you feel or about your reactions to things or way of communicating without fear of people getting the wrong idea. Maybe you are waiting for certain reactions from the wrong people?

or you might be relying on external acceptance before finding your real self. They can only see who you want them too see. Sometimes you have to think about what path to take and why :)

Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

I'm with you. With PTSD, you tend to see people as much more selfish. One aspect that I need to get taken care of is that I feel like I am too nice... like it is damaging the way that I live. It probably has to do with my mental stability. The less mentally stable I am, the nicer I am... It's probably a survival mechanism. More selfish people probably haven't had to go through a lot of trials and tribulations so they feel like they have a right to act like that. You are right about not blaming yourself. As long as you are trying your best, that is what matters.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Many times, I think it's just me. I feel like people have seen a depressed guy expressing himself for six years. I'm not doing this for anyone else anymore, I'm doing it to save my life. Then I can be reinvolved. I know that people can say "who cares what anybody thinks, do you". However, when you feel alone it's a different story.

 

[saffy]

I feel like I am too nice

Funny you should say that, Me too. I realised I was projecting how I wanted to be treated.

It actually had the opposite effect as I was seen as possibly invasive and probably needy. I would make lots of allowances that went against my own needs and it made it look like I just did not care about myself or value myself enough to set any boundaries or expect any positive and respectful behaviour.

I found expressing my own needs hard to communicate. So inevitably people got the total wrong idea about me. I had been acting out of character for so many years I had forgotten who I was. No body could understand the out of character me because I could not even understand myself. ;)

Finding your own level of tolerance and respecting your own feelings and being in your truth will help smoothen inner conflict because you will be more at ease and know yourself better enough to make the right decisions and stick by them in a confident way. I think it is because you start to believe in yourself.

Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

I think you're right. It seems like guilt can cause the side effect of being too nice... like thinking that you will mess up if you follow your gut. For me, at least, it seems this way.

 

[saffy]

I think being over nice is also a way of showing that you are there just to please them, maybe scared of confrontation? or rejection maybe?, lots of reasons.

I was always taught that I should treat others how you would like to be treated, and with that I agree but sometimes this does not work either because while you are thinking so hard about the other persons needs and wants you neglect your own sometimes so then the relationship becomes one sided. With one person always feeling guilty or obliged to make sure the other is always happy. To avoid what? only you can say :)

They forgot to mention when they were preaching to me 'to treat others like you would like to be treated and 'treat yourself like it also'

I have realised that people who are attracted to this nice and needy behaviour are the ones that end up taking the piss and are actually very selfish and are quite happy for me to always be thinking of them. It was not equal after all. So for me I was missing the point of expected equal respect and care from those around me.

I realised as much as you are nice to some people they just do not recognise that really you are trying to point out that they should be nicer and more thoughtful or compassionate and should return the behaviour because that is what I needed at that moment, compassion and understanding and some care. I just did not know how to get it in a constructive, positive and mature way. I felt like a child always eager to please unfortunately that made me very vulnerable and open to abuse, I then had no idea how to handle that in a positve way so blew up and could not control my feelings or behaviour.

But these people do not treat people how they like to be treated they just take and move on, especially when the being nice wears off as you get to know them better and realise you are being walked all over. I must remember not everyone has compassion, respect or empathy for others. I can behave like that to them but I should not do it to expect this back. I just have to give it to myself first and show this for my fellow humans but not necessarily act it out for everyone because not everyone is entitle to be treated like this.

They did not respect me because I had no respect of myself and they will always be looking for someone or something else whilst happily taking what they can from me in for the meantime. Off they go and I feel even more rejected and abandoned.

However, I realise now that it was me in the first place who pushed them away or allowed them to behave like this and chose them as a friend in the first place. I though they needed me, and I like the feeling of being needed. They did not obviously , I know that now. Then comes the guilt and anger for myself, mainly because I do not understand why they can be like that and that I have allowed myself to be walked all over and made to look stupid.

I am really trying now to focus on what I need too now, so that any relationship will be on equal ground. By learning to recognise certain personal feelings and looking for certain behaviours and attitude in others and by setting higher rules from myself and how others treat me, I can make a much more informed decision on whether I want to stay in somebodies company or not.

I can recognise stirring feelings and trust them now and know that I can walk away at any time with my head held high and that I do have the right to say 'please do not treat me like that, if makes me feel bad if you continue I will walk away'. They are not important enough to me now to let them treat me like shit.

I was also always told 'who do you think you are?, you are no one you are not important'. Now I know that is not true, it was their venom, probably them projecting how they feel on to me to give them a sense of importance, though with so much anger and hatred. And no I do not deserve every thing I get. I never realised I had the right to actually protect myself against hurtful behaviour or venomous people and it was them who was wrong not me

Once I realised this I can control my reactions to things better because I understand them better and recognise that their behaviour is not my fault or a reflection of me so I do not have to put up with it if I do not wish, I can now walk away with more pride knowing I have done the right thing for me whilst still showing respect for them (If they want to live or think like that it is their problem not mine) I can now walk away and not worry about them. People with certain attitudes and behaviours now just do not get a look in. Once I realised what was really important I could cut out everything else that was not freeing up my mind for more positive things.

Sorry a bit long but after a sleep I felt I needed to let this out :) It helps if I write things down like this, It helps me to reflect on what I have said and learn from it. I question myself a lot, you probably have started to realise that :roflmao:

Hope you are well today Thinkingman85 :)
Best wishes
Saffy :)