How Do You Observe Feelings Without Judgement?

[Deleted member 12723]

Hang in there Thinkingman, people will eventually come around. People need time to adjust and get used to people changing, unless they are toxic in which case they are the ones who will never change. Most people get used to the changes though. Just do not give up. I am depressed too. I am trying to hang tough. It will pass, it always does. I am hoping for you some good things to happen in your life. And mine.

 

[Abstract]

S I'm always trying to get back in touch with the aspect of me that people were familiar with.

Hi Thinkinman,
This might not work for you but have you ever tried rather thinking of moving forward rather than trying to go back and to something you feel people expect from you? It might sound like the same thing because you obviously want to beat depression and feel confident in yourself and move past the trauma but in my experience it keeps me thinking how faulty or damaged I am.

By looking forward I can concentrate on growing and that is positive for me. Looking back is focusing on what is negative about my present. We are all changed by everything we experience and none of us can truly go back but we can become strong and heal.

Ignore if that isn't useful.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I think the reason that I am trying to reconnect with older aspects of myself is that they weren't obsolete. I feel like I could concentrate better or I could be involved in relationships better or I had more confidence in myself and purpose in life. I think those aspects were lost or diminished because I had a breakdown six years ago. I basically intentionally sabotaged myself to the point where it is very hard to get back up. Just because I sabotaged myself doesn't mean I can't reclaim the special aspects of myself that kept me enjoying life. I think they will be refined in a sense, but I don't want them gone.

 

[Abstract]

I am glad thinkingman. Just so you know - I did not mean that those parts were obsolete or that they are lost and rather that we can get them back in new ways with new understanding along with the new total package of who we are now.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yeah... a new total package sounds good. I think it's a process of metamorphosis. There is always an underlying feeling that something is wrong. However, it's gradually going away. Once this feeling is gone, there can be nothing left but the step back out into the world fresh and forward. Overcoming guilt that I deserve to be better is one of the biggest battles. Being better than how I was is a constant in my mind.

 

[timid_flower]

This is such a challenge for me. I always tend to go into strange stages of denial, doubt and judgement about my feelings. Years ago when I first talked about my trauma, I was confronted with denial and doubt from my family. I was told it hadn't really happened or that maybe I thought it was real, but wasn't. I had others tell me if it was real, then shouldn't I be/act this way or that way. I couldn't handle that reaction from my loved ones, I wasn't sure what was expected of me so my coping mechanism became denial. I tried to deny anything had happened to me. When I couldn't deny it, I would try to convince myself that what happened to me didn't have a damaging effect on me, that I was fine. For the most part I tried to bury and ignore any memories or feelings from the trauma.

When PTSD kicked in and everything came rushing back, I still found myself trying denial and/or doubt. Even with therapy I still doubt myself and my trauma and in turn, I doubt or judge the feelings that come from it. It's a strange cycle. If I'm feeling bad, I judge those feelings or doubt if that is what's expected of me. When I feel better, I question those feelings too and go into doubt about my trauma again.
It's constant work in progress.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

timid flower , it is a cycle. I hope for you more success on validating your own feelings. I hope you will be gentle on yourself as you go through this process. You are doing your best I am sure. You are not as bad as you think you are and you are better than you think you are.

 

[timid_flower]

You are not as bad as you think you are and you are better than you think you are.

This is so difficult to remember or even believe sometimes.

Thank you for your kind words Gizmo. They are very much appreciated :)

Iris

 

[saffy]

it seems like people want to see me for who I was.

Hi thinkingman85,

What part of who you was do you think they want to see then? I think that the fact everyone grows and develops mentally and learns the more likely that over time you will have changed anyway in certain respects. So is there a part of you that you want them to see again also? or are you holding back?

I ask myself these things all the time :)

best wishes
Saffy

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yes, I feel like I am holding myself back because I may behave in ways that I don't want to or I may go off the deep end. With Prozac, therapy, and learning, it seems like I'm reclaiming my stability and the aspects that were darkened by depression. Honestly, I want to feel like I have all of the good parts of myself back. I'm sick of feeling weaker. I feel like I'm on a journey of reclaiming and refining myself. I wish I was confident that this is the correct way.

 

[saffy]

May? So you are worried that something will trigger you to do something you might not be able to control?

Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yes, or I'd have to give in to behaviors that I don't want to. Also, I have an underlying feeling that things won't work out because of all that happened in my past.