How do you reach out?

[Rose White]

I told T that I need to reach out. I, with the willing assistance of my partner, have isolated myself from every single important person.

They are there. Via Facebook or phone call or email. But I have avoided them all.

How do I reach out after all these years?

T said I start with the question, “How are you?”

I only keep thinking that I have to tell them all this stuff, about how my dad left because I told my mom what he did when I was two, about how lonely I am, about how I broken I feel.

But it shouldn’t be about me, right? When i reach out to someone, like a cousin or a friend that i haven’t talked to in years, it needs to start about them, right? And take time, and don’t say too much, right?

How do you do it?

 

[desiderata310]

When i reach out to someone, like a cousin or a friend that i haven’t talked to in years, it needs to start about them, right? And take time, and don’t say too much, right?

I heard this great comedian once who talked about the things that he talked about with his mom and that these three things defined his check-ins with his mom:
How's the weather?
How's the garden?
How's the cat?

It's funny but it's a place to start.
How are you? I've missed you and I'm trying to reconnect with my friends/family/etc. What's been going on in your life? I've seen X on facebook/instagram/etc. Then you talk about YOUR just day to day life: the dog, the weather, movie genres that you both enjoy. Keep it superficial at first.

It's hard but it can be done

 

[Rose White]

I heard this great comedian once who talked about the things that he talked about with his mom and that these three things defined his check-ins with his mom:

Your reply makes me cry, because it feels so real, so attainable, yet still on the other side of some veil.

Now I understand why borderline personality disorder and narcissism get confused with C-PTSD. Now I see how sexual abuse impacts attachment.

I have to separate from the idea that connection involves a gaping hole. In order to avoid narcissistic tendencies I have to learn to sit in “the boredom”. Boredom isn’t disinterest, it’s stability.

That doesn’t make sense, but somehow it does. I hope to practice “How’s the weather-garden-cat” over and over.

 

[Kaleidoscope]

I told T that I need to reach out. I, with the willing assistance of my partner, have isolated...

I am still trying to figure out 'how to reach out'. I wish I had found this site years ago. I wish I had known that it is 'normal' to feel like isolating. I wish I had known that 'building a support system' meant being very careful who I shared my struggle with. I wish I had known that some aspects of 'what happened' may never 'go away', that present life events will 're-trigger' the dark emotions and that it takes time to 'move through' them.
I wish there were rules about how to navigate the world after traumatic happenings...what to say and what not to say. Who to reach out to and how. I tried to talk with my minister (so that I could quit counseling and learn to handle everything with God alone) and he told me that my hour with him "was like a bomb had exploded in the room." and he said, "You say you have trouble trusting, yet you just shared your lifetime with me, a 'complete stranger'."
He has no idea who much courage it took to talk with him, about things it took almost 8 years to tell my therapist. He has no idea of the deep wound I now feel, for I didn't want to hurt his feelings with my honesty. He has no idea that I had thought that he would be "God's loving servant" and bring healing to the shame that I have felt. I now find that I avoid his church.
Right now I am accepting these new realizations, 'moving through' and I am once again...isolating. I have had only two 'triggers' this year...once in July and the other the day after Thanksgiving. Both make sense and I know that I will gradually move through this.
I cannot talk with my husband. His standard words are "Oh, just get over it!" He "loves it when I am happy." So, happy is what I give him.
I will not tell my grown children.
I am able to tell close friends that "I need a walk" and they are kind enough not to ask for details. They know I have had a struggle in life.
I talk with my therapist about this...I now refer to him as my 'mentor' because I have successfully learned how to manage this. He is the only one who I trust to say, "It is still so very hard at times." He gets it.
I am grateful. I learned a lot in therapy. I read many, many books to understand PTSD.
I sleep again. I can breathe through feelings of panic. I am no longer wishing I could numb my emotions with alcohol. It is easier to 'appear happy' with my children, husband and grandchildren. And a measure of energy has returned.
I am in a book study entitled the "Broken Way" by Ann VosKamp with 4 other women. I thought this would help with my transition out of 'therapy'. (I was told to find outside support.)
During our weekly time together, we are encouraged to share our brokenness. I 'get it' that humans are meant to be real and to seek support from others...and why...and at the same time I realize that these women did not love me or know me before hearing of my brokenness...which I have shared without details...and will they ever truly know the whole me who once felt free and could not wait for a new day to start? Would they even want to? Is this all they will 'know' of me...that I am a broken person with regrets? They are left to imagine what happened because I can't bear to say the words.
I may try to get the courage to ask them these questions... I would like to know that these are genuine friendships.
The dear friends I had during the worst parts of my life have moved far away and my closest and dearest died two years ago... These friends knew me before, when I was free and whole. They loved me through the worst. They didn't judge me and I know that they still love me. I refuse to burden them with the fact that I still struggle. I see how happy they are to see me 'healed' and relieved that "I have gone on with my life."
Thanks for 'listening'... I want anyone who reads this to know that I realize that I am very fortunate. I have made it through enough to manage life better and I have good people in my life. It's just that I still struggle. I still feel the depths of the pain from events that happened so many years ago.
I also want you to know, that as I read each post, I understand much, that I know that some things are hard to 'get over' because they are hard to grasp, too painful to remember or the memory is seared into one's body...and the emotions that can pop up when least expected.
And each time that I read something from the brave person who trusts this site, I say a prayer, I send peace and care...and encouragement.
The 'dark forest' of the worst of what you have had happen to you can be navigated through. You may enter it again at times, and you will know how to get back out to the open meadow, full of light and openness. Right now I am skirting the edges of that very dark forest, I am allowing myself to feel its depth (with a bit of Brain Spotting and deep breaths) and trying to patiently wait for "this too shall pass."

 

[Rose White]

I also want you to know, that as I read each post, I understand much, that I know that some things are hard to 'get over' because they are hard to grasp, too painful to remember or the memory is seared into one's body...

Thank you for the healing tears, the discharge, which came from reading your words. Your willingness to share your vulnerability feels supportive and I am grateful for your presence.

It’s the closest thing to a virtual hand squeeze.

@desiderata310 I used your words to write a message to my cousin who I know experienced csa because her abuser went to prison (but I didn’t say anything about csa!). Then I felt so motivated that I wrote pretty much the same message to another cousin who is a licensed marriage and family therapist. I have been wanting to write to them for weeks now and I just did it, because you helped me with the words!

 

[EveHarrington]

I just reconnected with a friend after about 2 1/2 years. It took all of 5 minutes to catch up. He’s moved a bit, still teaching and writing. Not much has changed in my life either. Moved, still working. We both had relationships in between. My point being that most people don’t care if you gloss over things. I mean I sure as heck didn’t tell him about my year from hell that included a major suicide attempt. It’s your business what you share. Just say that life got away from you. It’s been too long! Where has the time gone? Be excited to reconnect and they will likely want to reconnect too.

 

[Rose White]

One cousin responded and then it was like, “What do I say now?!” Kind of a panic came over me. I basically mirrored her response, but made it my own. I still didn’t talk about anything “important”, but said I was glad to re-connect.

I feel like I’m being disingenuous because the “real” reason I’m connecting is that I. Need. People. But I can’t be needy. I’m okay—I’m not going to sabotage this.

Oh my gosh, I really did reach out. I actually did it and someone responded. I hope I can keep it going.