coraxxx
Policy Enforcement
I think the concept of agency would be useful here. Agency as the collection of options in front of you, depending on your situation and personal capacity.
All humans and animals have a form of agency. What is available for some might not be available for others. And there is a self perception of agency that goes from helplessness to total control.
Power imbalances are difficult to manage in relationships and they depend of endless factors. Power imbalances can be okay if both parts are aware of what they are and how they operate.
However, many people confuse power, which is the potential of doing something, with coercion and control. Testing your power against someone, even if your power is small, to see if you can influence, impact, ultimately count. Have a concrete effect.
Everyone does the power play from time to time. It’s "Oh, can you make me a coffee?" with a silly voice, and the other person being capable of counteracting "Look, you can perfectly do it yourself," responding to the need of attention but not to the pressure. Then you make your coffee yourself with good heart. If you’re balanced, you know that your demand is somewhat abusive, but know it’s not going to be taken into account because you explored exits to that many times.
In my pathological relationships, I never dared to ask him "Oh, can you make me a coffee?" with this poking/complicit tone. He would have done it and feel furious for having had to do that. Then resentful. Then I’d try to anticipate his needs and this makes him overpowering me because he refuses to expose his needs and vulnerabilities, and also to express limits without having to hammer them on the other person as if a small crossing was going to destroy all his system. This is what happens to people who are used to be abused; can’t stand anything that looks like it and actually are incapable to respond to anything that feels like a demand. It’s feeling overpowered by normal accountability. Then retaliating. And here we go.
Now I’m my life I’m trying to steer away of people who need to control and am looking for fluidity. I do struggle with control in certain situations where I do feel insecure. In very precise settings, that would be triggered and I’m willing to work on it before it triggers again. I avoided power for a long time but am very conscious how "powerlessness" can be weaponized as a way of not being accountable for the real exertion of power that has been done. Because no matter what we do, we do have agency over things and the responsibility that goes with it. We all have power and what is difficult is to identify where it is and what can be done with it.
I don’t know if I’m very clear. It’s an interesting topic. It’s been a question I had for myself for a long time.
All humans and animals have a form of agency. What is available for some might not be available for others. And there is a self perception of agency that goes from helplessness to total control.
Power imbalances are difficult to manage in relationships and they depend of endless factors. Power imbalances can be okay if both parts are aware of what they are and how they operate.
However, many people confuse power, which is the potential of doing something, with coercion and control. Testing your power against someone, even if your power is small, to see if you can influence, impact, ultimately count. Have a concrete effect.
Everyone does the power play from time to time. It’s "Oh, can you make me a coffee?" with a silly voice, and the other person being capable of counteracting "Look, you can perfectly do it yourself," responding to the need of attention but not to the pressure. Then you make your coffee yourself with good heart. If you’re balanced, you know that your demand is somewhat abusive, but know it’s not going to be taken into account because you explored exits to that many times.
In my pathological relationships, I never dared to ask him "Oh, can you make me a coffee?" with this poking/complicit tone. He would have done it and feel furious for having had to do that. Then resentful. Then I’d try to anticipate his needs and this makes him overpowering me because he refuses to expose his needs and vulnerabilities, and also to express limits without having to hammer them on the other person as if a small crossing was going to destroy all his system. This is what happens to people who are used to be abused; can’t stand anything that looks like it and actually are incapable to respond to anything that feels like a demand. It’s feeling overpowered by normal accountability. Then retaliating. And here we go.
Now I’m my life I’m trying to steer away of people who need to control and am looking for fluidity. I do struggle with control in certain situations where I do feel insecure. In very precise settings, that would be triggered and I’m willing to work on it before it triggers again. I avoided power for a long time but am very conscious how "powerlessness" can be weaponized as a way of not being accountable for the real exertion of power that has been done. Because no matter what we do, we do have agency over things and the responsibility that goes with it. We all have power and what is difficult is to identify where it is and what can be done with it.
I don’t know if I’m very clear. It’s an interesting topic. It’s been a question I had for myself for a long time.