How Do You Solve Should's?

[Philippa]

I think also that we are conditioned to feel that we 'should' do this or that, and a lot of it is social obligation we've been taught we 'should' follow.

Sorting through our 'shoulds' and giving ourselves permission to question them, and decide if we really 'want' to do this or that, can be a liberating process. I've been through it and it was a huge growth period for me.

I'm wondering why you would feel hurt by these 'shoulds' though?

 

[KP the nut]

My T would ban words like 'should', if he had his way.

I set myself small goals to go through all of the I should do ............ I then gauge how I am feeling and if I am tired or stressed I acknowledge those feelings and allow myself to stop. I tell myself, what I have done and that I am proud and it is time to do something for me.

 

[Tanishq]

I'm wondering why you would feel hurt by these 'shoulds' though?

Suppose if someone/anyone tells me,"You should do that". It reminds me of past time where I was pleasing others to get happy. Sometimes I got beaten for not pleasing them properly and it hurt me in my heart.

I don't know why I get hurt* when I hear shoulds'. :confused:

 

[Tanishq]

Hi KP, nice advice from you. Yes, I will give myself respect. I am proud of myself for coming so far.

 

[Meadowsweet]

If I hear a should, I have internal conversations with it, not to get rid of it, but to find out if it is something I genuinely believe, or if it is a conditioned thought.

The conversation might go something like this:

I should go to the work party

Why?

Because I'm expected to.

Who expects you too?

It's just what everyone does.

Does that mean you have to? and what might happen if you don't go?

No, it doesn't mean I have to. But I'm scared people might think there's something wrong with me if I don't go.

If somebody else didn't go, would you think there was something wrong with them?

Well no, it's not something they have to go to.

So why would other people think there is something wrong with you?

So this is the point where I might realise that the 'should' is self imposed because of the fear that others might think there is something wrong with me. but that the reality is that it is unlikely that others will question it at all. It is purely my own guilt and fear.

 

[Philippa]

Suppose if someone/anyone tells me,"You should do that". It reminds me of past time where I was pleasing others to get happy. Sometimes I got beaten for not pleasing them properly and it hurt me in my heart.

I don't know why I get hurt* when I hear shoulds'. :confused:

Ah ok, the associations with the word should are what remind you of abuse, and it re-opens the wounds caused by being hurt by those people.

That makes sense.

 

[Tanishq]

Meadowsweet, Exactly. That way "should" runs in my mind and I collapse in the end.

I worry all the time what I will eat next. It has been the same from childhood. Difference, today it has worsen. I have started making some food on my own so I don't have ask mom(Tea, noodles). She always says, she thinks and ends up doing nothing for me. She says just tell her a word, she will cook. It never happened.

Now I am thinking to cook everything for me, that's all and get rid of relying on mom for food thing.

I want to improve my stamina,too. I get hungry,too.

I remember this over thinking started when I was 15 yr old due to lots of pressure, expectation from parents. I was just forced to think, I never had any answer how to stop that.

God, I want to explain this all to my class-coordinator. I don't know what ought to be.

 

[Tanishq]

Ah ok, the associations with the word should are what remind you of abuse, and it re-opens the wounds caused by being hurt by those people.

Yes. There are other words which reminds me bad memories. This is so much work to remove it all.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Jaret,

I try to listen to who's voice in my head that particular 'should' came from originally.

Every time I say 'should' in my head, I try to respond with a cognitive challenge...'Oh, yeah? WHY should I? Who says?'

Then we can decide for ourselves what it is we want to do.

 

[Tanishq]

Thank you BloomInWinter.

 

[Hashi]

I try to replace "should" with "could". It changes the thought because it gives me a choice, and also it gives me the option that I might not do it this time but I could do it another time.

If you put "could" into your sentences instead, how would that feel?

 

[Tanishq]

If you put "could" into your sentences instead, how would that feel?

Empowered and in charge of myself. That's what I felt right now and would feel.