How Long Can I Wait For Help? *long Post, Sorry*

[Srain]

((((((((((Rainydaze))))))))))))))

I really feel for you and have found it can be quite difficult to wait for that help but with the support and suggestions I was able to. You are not alone!

I'm glad you have another appointment this week. I might suggest writing out your timeline and exactly what you want to convey to make sure everything gets across to your doctor. I like to make a copy for myself and the doctor, this way they have it in their file ;).

712xx had some great suggestions to take care of yourself. I would also suggest some of the reading material listed here. I have use everything. I might keep in mind as well that talking about your trauma is not going to make you feel better right away, you are going to opening up old wounds, that's not to say that who you have was the right person or that you were ready, I'm just saying that when dealing with these issues tends to feel worse before it gets better sometimes.

I'm glad you found the Forum, so much information and support here.
Hang in there, you will find what works for you, push those people to meet your needs!
Peace,
Rain

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am only a harm to myself but would be an even greater harm if they tried to cart me off somewhere against my will (my last resort still hospital, will do anything to avoid that).

I just want to ask what are you so afraid about the hospital? My 2nd time around I had a wonderful, life changing experience at the hospital. And given how you are feeling, the emotions and how you are living, I would suggest it. For your own well being and safety.

If you check yourself in, before waiting for a doctor to do it ( which is a possible if your health does not get better), then at least you will feel a bit more in control. You would not be against your will then.

Just giving my honest and blunt opinion. Take it or leave it, your business.

What ever you decide, take life one step at a time. And like you said, one hour at a time. It really helps.

Take care.

 

[rainy_daze]

I wanted to feel a bit better before I replied to your question Ayesha. I think you're a great poster, because you are always so honest and to the point. So, here's my honest answer:

You haven't seen the hospital I would be in. I have. You don't have your own room, just a curtain to put around your bed. I went once when I thought about going in voluntary before, and swore it was a last resort because it really is the type of place that makes you want to die. You should only be in a place like that when you are sectioned under the mental health act.

The most distressing part was meeting some of the other in-patients - one young woman just covered in fresh cuts. It was, really, visually all too much for me. It's a whole hospital for so many things as well - alcohol/drug rehab, dementia, they even had an ECT department there....just too much unless you have to be there. I'd rather surround myself with hope, than despair.

Not every hospital is a safe place. Well, it feels that way to me.

I am not denying that they give people care, but they get the care they NEED, and I feel I am strong enough to not have to be stuck in a room with people who are self harming (stopped that long ago, I don't want to go backwards, I want to move forwards). I don't need hospital - I need to fight the depression. I need to learn strategies to stop PTSD taking over my brain. I need to teach myself to stop thinking about the past and live in the present. Going to hospital...it'd be like admitting I have no hope left.

I hope you understand that. I'm glad hospital was a place that helped you, and wish I could believe that horrendous place could do the same for me, but realistically I don't think it'd improve my mood.

 

[rainy_daze]

So, I have been living hour to hour. Except today, I managed to have real conversations with friends (even though I said some strange things now and again, but I think it was just functioning on a few hours sleep and getting triggered a lot).

Doctor is telling me to hang on (blaming funding for long wait, and describes it as disgraceful, which it is). Psychologist is telling me to hang on (making sure I have family that will make sure I'm "ok"). Saying "I'm suicidal" made no difference. I think it is because they know I don't want to die, they know that I want to live - but I want to live without all this pain. I want to live with a brain that doesn't torture me.

I couldn't find the vitamin in Boots that 712xx mentioned :( I thought about some Omega3 supplement, and then there was so many to chose from, I couldn't decide, and gave up. I am at least starting to recognise that I really need to take care of myself. I am eating a little better. I am trying hard to concentrate on other things. I started reading a book, and although I cried so much at the first page, eventually I have managed to read about 20 in total. I had to stop a lot, but I am trying.

I have also spent a lot of time with family members, which is good. If I find I am alone in my house I sleep until my partner comes home though, because I am sick of feeling alone, and just have no energy to get out of bed unless he's here. I've tried not to vent about anything to him though - I've tried to make his day happier, and appreciate what a wonderful person he is for sticking with me.

Maybe one day I will get to see that psychologist. Right now, I'm disappointed she lied about it "only being six months" [until I saw her after the initial assessment] and that she said "I promise if things get worse, I'll do what I can to help you". Both were lies, so not really sure how to trust her when therapy begins. I'll just be honest and tell her how much that messed me up. It all became part of my LifePlan, getting the therapy in 6months. I also feel like calling again tomorrow, just to remind them I am still here. Maybe I will.

Still, need to keep the positive attitude. She is human and it isn't her fault the NHS don't care if you die or not! I didn't realise in Scotland we have no governmental policies on how long a mental health sufferer waits on a list. It can be forever. There are no set targets. We really are just invisible it seems - which is why I have waited so long. If there were policies in place, at least I'd have someone to complain to... Other than anyone reading this ;).

 

[bethinhfx]

@Rainydaze: Have you considered going to see your old counsellor (the one that you are still able to) until you are able to access help?

This forum is very helpful and I wouldn't negate the kind of support you can get here both sharing and being supportive of others. I also reached out to my priest and received a lot of valuable help. Sometimes, clergy can give you support, not necessarily counselling, but spiritual help.

I think getting as much info as possible and taking charge. This site was very helpful and I took charge of what I needed. I haven't been able to get my needs met in the community so I am going to treatment.

Don't give up; self knowledge and advocacy is very important and sometimes you need to be very, very assertive.........If you have a medical diagnosis, which PTSD is, then you need to start advocating for the right kind of support and getting your Dr on board is great.

Don't know what your inclinations are this way but I pray a lot. " God could do for us what we could not do for ourselves". I pray for what I need and it doesn't mean I don't have to fight but I seem to get strength and finally, " one day at a time". We can do anything for one day...... I will start praying for you and watch your posts.

Peace!

 

[rainy_daze]

@Rainydaze: Have you considered going to see your old counsellor (the one that you are still able to) until you are able to access help?

It's funny you say that. My old counsellor got in touch yesterday and asked if I was coming back to the charity she works for. I have to decide if I am going back to talk again, or if I am going back for an "ending" session.

I need to decide soon, but I don't know what is best. On the one hand, it'd be good just to rant and rant and rant for an hour. On the other hand, what if I walk out of that session feeling worse again.

If I go to an "ending" session, what if I change my mind, but it's too late? It's all those WhatIfs.

If I start going to see her again, what happens if I start to get really bad again. Talking is painful. I feel like I went and told her the same trauma story over and over and over, or I would go and just complain and complain and complain! Then I started not going to sessions because I couldn't face talking about anything. This other kind of therapy seems a bit more pro-active in learning tools etc to cope with bad memories/thoughts/beliefs/behaviours. But you have a point bethinhfx!

 

[bethinhfx]

@Rainydaze: If you feel like you have any rapport at all ( which is a kind of a big deal) then maybe talk to her about it. Even if you just go in and hold her hand for an hour-- know what I am saying! Sometimes, we just need support. It doesn't have to be intensive therapy and she probably would be open to changing how you are doing therapy.

Nothing else seems to be coming your way at the moment so maybe for now, you can access her and maybe do things differently. I don't think I will be doing any therapy with this counsellor but just having the connection; someone to reach out to. I bought her gum balls one session; she's given me a couple of hugs; I recognized that I needed to stop telling her to f-off (my new approach to therapy). It's better than being isolated, alone, struggling. Tell her what you need or what you don't need ( more talking). Good luck! :) beth

 

[Meadowsweet]

Rainy-daze, if you read back through this post, you've taken control of getting what you need. And you've put in a lot of effort to keep going while you're waiting to get that.

I know sometimes it can feel like you can't go on, but you are managing it. I think it can be positive to show yourself how much you can manage by yourself. And with that, I'm sure when you get the proper treatment, with that extra help, you will do brilliantly.

Hang in there.

 

[712xx]

:laugh:F-off is great therapy, thanks beth. It was theraputic just reading you say that.
Spread the cathartic-isms. I don't usually say them, but my mind has this inner dialogue like 'wish she would stop vomiting rainbows' ... 'go to f-ing hell, then come back and say you were able to use those head-cooling tips you just gave me'.

Talking with people who understand how you feel might not always bring about solutions, but it can get you through moments of crisis -- like a bridge over troubled waters.

Hope you find a solid stable bridge that allows you to feel relief and safe enough to get you to the other side.

--{@

 

[bethinhfx]

@712xx: " stop vomiting rainbows"...lol.

 

[712xx]

Well it can be annoying being told to look on the bright side, and such nonsense when you feel like total crap. Hearing that stuff makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong -- like it is my fault. We are not just thinking negative stuff, we feel negative stuff -- those feelings can't be 'thought away' just by thinking positive thoughts.

Now it is totally true, we can force our mind to think on more positive aspects of things while our body is going crazy -- while the nerves are frayed, feeling pukey, the anxiety and old scars are opening up so wide it physically hurts to breathe -- sure, we can think "oh good, I'm not really dying, it just feels that way". "Great, I'm so very grateful I'm not in the middle of a crowd right now -- this could be a whole lot worse if I were stuck anywhere else but in my own bed. I'm glad I'm here and not out there."

I'm sorry I didn't see your mention sooner about you haven't found the B-complex vitamin. Here is a pic of what I take.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Rainy Daze,

I completely respect your reasons for being suspicious about being in a hospital. It was never my intention to upset you. I did not know what your last post about the hospital told me and now I understand why.

I understand where you are coming from. My first hospital visit was awful and it hurt me more then helped me. I left worse then when I went in.

I need to fight the depression. I need to learn strategies to stop PTSD taking over my brain. I need to teach myself to stop thinking about the past and live in the present. Going to hospital...it'd be like admitting I have no hope left.
.

I do agree with you here. I think you learning new strategies to help you mentally is a good idea. Find some books to read in the recommend book section maybe. I hope you have some sort of support group to fall back on, and if you don't you always have the forum.


Take care.