Poll How Long Do Shut Outs Last?

[scout86]

sometimes I wondered if something was "off" at times

I think I've already said (maybe a couple times) that I'm not much good a relationships. To me, it seems like asking if something was off might be a good idea. Everyone with PTSD doesn't know they have it, nor does everyone get how it actually affects them, at least not 100% of the time, but asking a question at a time like that might start an interesting conversation. (Might not too, and maybe that sort of thing isn't appropriate.)

Sometimes I think about what I could have done differently as a partner during those less acute symptomatic period to be helpful to him. PTSD was not in picture then. I wonder if our growing closeness made those symptoms even worse.

"Probably no, yes it was, and maybe"?

This response is just for me, may or may not apply to others.

Having someone in a relationship put that much on themselves when it comes to being helpful drives me over the nearest edge. I'm starting to see that that must be a counter-intuitive response for a lot of people. If someone decides it's that important that they help, then I feel like I have an obligation to BE helped, or I disappoint them which makes me a failure. Again. I don't want that kind of responsibility. I'd much rather just be able to know I'm accepted where I'm at and how I am. One of the reasons I can work with my T is that I know he does care, but that his world doesn't revolve around me. He has his own life and will take care of himself. I don't have to be responsible for his feelings. I appreciate that in a relationship other than a therapeutic relationship too. Actually, that's about all I ask. I'll deal with my own stuff. Letting me do it and accepting that I can, and need to, is plenty of support.

PTSD is ALWAYS in the picture. It might be somewhere in the background, but it's there. It may be more or less noticeable, but, as far as I'm concerned, it's always there.

Good stress is still stress so yes, it's possible for symptoms to be increased as a relationship gets more serious. (Have you read the Stress Cup thing Anthony wrote?)

 

[dulcia]

Sometimes it was about me, sometimes my surroundings, most times it was the supporter.

What did you mean by 'most times it was the supporter'? Are you talking about in regards to triggering isolation?

 

[dulcia]

Do people REALLY expect their SO's to be in daily or constant contact? I mean, if you're living together that's one thing. If you're not, do people REALLY expect to be texting all day long? Do they really expect you to spill your guts about what's bothering you when you're not quite sure yourself? And it's some kind of insult if you don't?

Guilty. I feel this way in my head, but I know it's not always rational. And this need for constant contact stems from my own personal issues related to self-esteem, etc. But another side of it is what's the norm in a relationship. Some relationships (especially ones with younger people) DO text all day every day and that is their norm -- so when that stops or lessens significantly it sometimes is something that's questioned. Personally, my SO and I lived together for 2.5 years before I moved away for work. We still see each other 2-3 days per week, but our text message contact has increased a lot on the days we are separate since I moved out. The other flip side of that is that I had two family members killed (in separate incidents) in unexpected traffic accidents years back. As a result, if I don't hear from someone I'm used to hearing from, my mind tends to race towards them being dead, injured, or in jail, whether it be my SO, my sister, my dad, or whomever. Although I do know better than to berate my SO with calls or texts if he appears to want space, which is pretty easy to get a sense of. And I know and have become accustomed to the fact that the only guts he will be spilling via text might be a kiss emoji or a "love you". That's just my two cents :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What did you mean by 'most times it was the supporter'?

Which "supporter" which time? I only need time to calm down and regain my abilty to think. Others like to throw a shit ton of drama my way which takes MUCH longer to calm from. Even a "how are you?" 20 millon times is likely to cause me to isolate more.

But, as I said, you can't generalize this as its all based on person, issues and triggers, how far into therapy and coping skills, situation and set of circumstamces.

But there are things suppporters can do to help (depending on why i isolated) and things they can do to hinder.

 

[dulcia]

Each situation is different and its impossible to generalize this in my opinion.

Sometimes it was about me, sometimes my surroundings, most times it was the supporter. All go up and down the entire scale.

^ Your original post to this thread in, what I'm guessing, was a response to the poll. I was just wondering if that meant sometimes your isolating was due to/related to your supporter. I guess the 20 million "how are you?"s kind of answers that question, though. Lol.

What are some things a supporter might do that would hinder, rather than helping? I'm a supporter, so just asking out of personal curiosity. In the past, I didn't handle PTSD episodes in the most constructive way.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What are some things a supporter might do that would hinder, rather than helping?

Well, to let me be to calm down/cool off/regain my head. Not follow me. Not argue with me. That is the main issue I have with the only two people in my life that could be called "suppoters" but I put it in quotes for a reason. They aren't really supporting me in any way but they are the only two people in my life, at all. Until 1/1 anyway. So basically don't do everything they do lol. Which the main thing(s) they do is argue with me when I am triggered. Follow me everywhere to continue arguing with me until I flip the f*ck out. Isolation, for me, is a time to calm my emotions and have a chance to regain my ability to think.

I don't know 100% of what I was talking about in that orginal reply as it was forever ago. But thats my best guess of what I meant.

I also isolate in general and that is fear based. Putting me in a store fully of people is like dropping someone in a rattle snake den. And I act about the same. Isolated I don't have that intense fear and anxiety and it's easier to exisit. I mean feat is always there but not that high of intensity.

But I don't think you are asking about that but rather a sufferer isolating from you.

Many think you are better without them as they only bring pain and heartache. I know I feel that way.

Something that would help that is reassurence that you aren't being hurt and aren't better without.

I push people away as a major abandonment issue. Seems backwards but I'd rather then leave now then way later as it hurts less now. To help with that, don't leave when push away and reassure you aren't going anywhere since the reason is a major abanonment issue.

Anyway, don't mean to ramble. There are endless reasons why one isolated and endless things that help and hinder. It really is per person and situation.

 

[dulcia]

Which the main thing(s) they do is argue with me when I am triggered. Follow me everywhere to continue arguing with me until I flip the f*ck out.

When you're triggered do you (you personally) get argumentative or confrontational? Or do you just isolate straight out....i.e. get quiet, go to another room, etc.

I ask because my SO can get mean when he is triggered so it's a massive effort to not argue back at times.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

When you're triggered do you (you personally) get argumentative or confrontational? Or do you just isolate straight out....i.e. get quiet, go to another room, etc.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder along with PTSD so my emotions are very extreme and intense. Not as bad now that I am on meds for it but still much more extreme and instense then normal. BPD plays a big part when I am triggered as my emotions spike to their highest and my knee jerk emotion is anger. But not anger as most think of anger. It's super high anxiety but from the outside it looks like anger. I yell a lot and so from the outside it looks like I am arguementative or a right fighter but I am just doing a knee jerk reaction I have to defend myself, against everything. Including things i don't need to defend against.

It's a bit hard to explain but i do look arguementive. I am not confrontational and can't stand confrontation!

When I am triggered bad enough or it goes on long enough i shut down. I get VERY quiet and don't just isolate but also disocissate.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I have shut downs all the time, but always thought that was normal during trigger times. I always stay in loose contact with my son, but have noticed that it can take sometimes a couple of days after triggers until I am ready to communicate with my child again, up to a week or two in very extreme cases.
My brain sometimes can not accurately work through the triggers and all related complications in a time efficient matter. Often I get stuck on one symptom, then others follow and I overload, leaving me in great confusion.

 

[Buttercup]

I've been thinking about this a lot since the last major investigative effort on this subject. I wonder...

@scout86 I really like what you say here. I think it explains why someone (not just a sufferer) "shuts out" very well. I have learned this is what is happening in my relationship when a shut out is going on. It took me a while to figure out!

It also highlights how people feel differently about the amount and level of communication that is needed for a relationship. What you describe is IN GENERAL (all caps because I don't want to offend anyone!) the woeful difference between men and women. Women (IN GENERAL) love and desire daily contact and texting. Men (yes, generally speaking), don't want or need that. So often women will freak out when we don't hear from our man for a while. Especially when the relationship shifts from brand new to comfortable. Oftentimes men will start texting and communicating less often.

In my situation, when this started to happen, I did freak out a little and that stressed him out and he stopped communicating. Confusion ensued!