General How Much Distance And How Much Hold?

[cyanide]

First off, this is a fantastic educational place for PTSD.

Recently, my girlfriend of 3 years decided to break up with me after a mutually agreed upon 2 week break. We had a break because I was increasingly becoming more angry and suspicious with her due to my trauma when I found out that she had an online relationship last year. The break was good for us, because I found out that I was suffering from PISD (post-infidelity stress disorder) and I learned how I could manage my issues and see a therapist, but I was caught by surprise that she wanted to end the relationship.

She felt that I deserve someone better and that I will be happier with someone else. She felt that she screwed things up last year, and she doesn't think that I will ever forgive her. She feels that she can't offer me the emotional affection and love that I need (which I now realize is PTSD). I had trouble understanding this, because we have a very good relationship. After I looked more into PTSD, how it works, and how it affects the individual, it became more apparent that I did several things wrong in the relationship due to my limited understanding of the effects of PTSD. When she needed space, I wanted to communicate. When she shuts down, I said she's repressing. When she becomes emotionally distant, I get frustrated. I am actually a very patient and understanding person, but I admit that not knowing anything about PTSD really makes a huge difference.

She says she would love to be friends with me, despite the fact that I once said that I couldn't be friends after a break-up. Is this her way of keeping a connection with me while she has the space to heal? I have continuously told her that I love her, that she's the most beautiful, intelligent, generous, and engaging individual I have ever met. She has always told me that out of all the people that she has ever met, I'm the only person that she's ever met that has made an immediate impact where she knew I'm the only person that she can ever imagine herself marrying.

Now that we're broken up, she has told me that it's possible that later in life, we would meet again. A few weeks after the break up, I have asked her which direction she was going, and she says she doesn't know, and that we'll see in a few months.

It's very traumatic on me right now, because I might lose my best friend and the person I love so much. I know she loves me so much, and how hard on her it was to break up. I know I need to give her as much space as possible (we keep contact to a minimum, and we have not seen each other since), but my fear is that the space I give her will lead us to drift apart rather than grow in bond. How do I continue to support her and be there for her when we keep contact to a minimum?

Right now, is it beneficial to tell her how much I've learned and realized what I have done wrong in responding to her shut downs, and that I have been so ignorant about her condition? Is it beneficial to communicate to her how I've started to understand and grow in ways that allow me to be a better companion to her?

We keep in touch through instant messenger. She has been extremely distant and unresponsive for the most part right now, but it is a characterisitc of PTSD. There were a couple of glimpses of her "old" self, but it can shut right off after a few minutes. She's had a terrible, traumatic childhood that spanned seven years, going through poverty, sexual, psychological, and physical abuse, and has been through several foster homes. The shut downs, the space that she needs, the overwhelming feeling of stress, everything is an attribute to PTSD.

I wish I had known more about PTSD before, did more research, so that I could've been a more empathetic and supportive person to her. At least, still being friends, I'm able to apply what I've learned to show her how much I care, love, and respect her, while giving her the space that she needs to process and grow. I think I need to learn how to express it from a distance, without putting pressure on her that would put her into further withdrawal.

I am so grateful for any support, advice, and suggestions on how to handle the current situation I am in. I acknowledge that I need to take care of myself first, and I do see this break up as a blessing in disguise. At the same time, I need to be careful about false hope. I love her so much, and she is my best friend, and I would love to make any efforts to rebuild our relationship.

Thank you.

 

[amethist]

Hi cyanide

I am really sorry this has happened to you but, and I don,t mean to sound harsh, I am being honest here as it's the only way. You are going to have to let her contact you when she is ready, the more you push the more she could back off.

When she contacts you follow her lead do not lead her. By all means let her know you support her and are there for her when and if she needs you, but for now that's all.

Please read all you can about being a carer if you want to be there in the long term, but believe me it is a bumpy roller coaster ride all the way.

Start looking after yourself because you will need all the health and strength you can find to get through this.

All that said I really hope you can come through this together, hope for the future but prepared for the ride. You may find by taking a back seat approach she will appreciate you giving her the space to heal and your bond will grow stronger, it does happen but no guarantee's

Good luck and take care of you.

Amethist

 

[cyanide]

Hi amethist,

Thank you for your post, and I agree about letting her contact me when she is ready, but we're in a slightly different contact situation that I'm a bit confused about and not quite sure how to handle.

She asked me if we could be friends, and we have each other on Messenger. I did ask her if we should do no contact for a while, and she said it was up to me. Is it safe to ask her how she's doing every now and then, and say good night before I log off?

She has fear of abandonment and trust issues, but considering her stress level right now, is there a healthy balance of communication?

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi cyanide,

Considering the degree of hurt your gf has experienced throughout her lifetime, I think she likely needs time and space to process what she feels. I would guess she doesn't know 'what' she feels, - not because she doesn't feel it, but because it is a new experience.

I would keep in contact intermittently, but for me, I wouldn't 'sign off' every night- kind of would feel like 'pressure' (I know it isn't, but ptsd is weird).

Hope all turns out for you both. You sound like a very good friend who cares very much.

P.S- If she has admitted she has PTSD, you can tell her at some point, that you have a bit of a better understanding now of the pressures she's going through, and you would respond differently than in the past, for both of your sakes.
But that you love her, just as she is.

 

[cyanide]

Hi Junebug,

I really appreciate your post, and thank you for your support.

It is truly a fine art to show someone you love and care about her without seeing her or saying anything that would put pressure on her. There's only so much you can do to show support in a circumstance of much restraint. It also takes a large amount of patience to withhold communication for the sake of space for healing.

Nonetheless, I'm pleased to share some progress. I am trying out keeping in contact intermittingly, to touch base, ask how she is, etc., without saying too much as to give her space. Basically being there without putting any pressure on her to make decisions. Just recently, she opened up to me momentarily about her travel plans and feelings for school, so although that was a very small thing, I take it as a sign that she took a step to trust me, and of course, I responded with support.

As for signing off every night, I have told her that it is my symbolic gesture that I'm always there for her, but I think I can see how that is pressure. From your perspective, would you find it annoying or is there some appreciation? If I suddenly stopped, would there be a feeling of rejection or abandonment? I read that consistency is important, but that might depend on different situations. I'm still learning and reading tons, and I really appreciate your insights.

As for letting her know about my personal growth and better understanding about PTSD, I'm planning on writing this to her later in time when things seem more stable:

"I spent a lot of time reading about PTSD, and I have a better understanding of the pressures and difficulty you go through; however, I acknowledge it is a permanent scar and I will never understand your feelings and experiences. With more knowledge though, I can better respect your space, time, and boundaries, and absolutely give you the love and support that you need. I would respond much differently than I did in the past, given I had taken your responses personally when that was not your intention.

At the same time, I am able to be secure and take care of myself whenever you need to heal. By no means is PTSD a reflection of you; it is a normal response to an abnormal amount of stress. I love you as you are, and I recognize you as who you are: brilliant, loving, beautiful, clever, strong, insightful, and full of life. You possess so many amazing qualities, and I value you."

 

[cyanide]

New update, but with mixed feelings. She recently told me that she's exercising a lot and spending a lot of time with her friends, which I think is great. She has rarely done this while we were together. Apparently though, they are friends that she knew for a while, but friends that I have never met in our 3 year relationship. She seems to be coping and progressing very well, but what worries me is that she'll progress away from me, and I'll be left hanging. I'm not sure why she wants to keep me as a friend if she is doing so well without me.

Does she want to keep me as a friend to allow our relationship to grow while she allows herself to grow? The main reason for our breakup was that she feels that she's not deserving to be with me. Is this her way of building up her self esteem to feel that she does deserve to be in a relationship with me? She is still healing apparently, because she is still largely unresponsive despite the fact that she opened up a bit more this week.

It's hard to make sense of it all right now. She does have PTSD and normally she would withdrawal, but this is a surprising turn that she's taking which I think is great, though I'm not sure where that leaves me. I think I need the insight of other sufferers to better understand what she's going through and what I should expect.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Cyanide,

I have felt/ feel much of what you have expressed as regards your gf, however that being said, please know that for what this is worth, this is just one opinion, everyone is different, and it may or may not apply.

My 'ptsd' started at 14 years old and went unrecognized by myself for 25 years. I always 'felt' different, felt I reacted differently (even if it was in my mind's thoughts, how things affected me, when others didn't know)
.
This however included- eventually- 'positive' aspects- tremendous sensitivity and a recognition of the needs of others, a sense of a much bigger 'picture' to life, a great appreciation for the kindness of others (because in many ways I remain very 'unkind' towards myself).

Unfortunately, the 'fear' of letting the things show (such as reactions to triggers)- even knowing how I feel about them (how much they bother me) has left me feeling very much like a 'freak'; the 'wrapper' on the outside doesn't seem to reflect who (and 'what') I think I am.
"Feelings" in general can be a trigger to me, very frightening.

Much of being afraid I will cause others' harm, or be a burden, is based on feelings of shame from both traumas themselves, and what I did after. And not being able to control my ptsd, or reactions to events/ others, as I would like.
Also, poor 'self esteem', or more accurately, a lack of self-worth.
And, of course, more fear. Including fear of 'love' and being vulnerable. I've been vulnerable to ptsd all my life, until recently, it's always been a desperate effort to get some control.
Trust is extremely difficult.

I think I tried almost virtually everything- healthy and unhealthy, to cope. Your gf may be 'coping' in healthy ways, or she may be trying to 'shut her mind off'. Only she can know which it reflects, and that requires rigorous honesty.
So unfortunately for me ptsd is more than a 'scar', it has become impossible for me to seperate where it begins and where it ends. It is part of 'who I am'.
However, we all have (you, too) scars.

I do not believe you would leave her 'hanging' to respond (consistently) intermittently.

You mention you are afraid you will be left behind. Please know, she has been with you 3 years for a reason, and therefore it is important you speak to her/ care for her, as you always have. But you must take care of yourself, too.
And not worry you are being 'abandoned'/ left behind.

She knows in her heart that you are consistent, you sort of have to keep hammering away at her feelings and fears of being unlovable/ 'damaging', by your presence and consistency, and especially by not reacting to being pushed away.

I do not believe her 'good days'/ old friends are a threat to your relationship; what is more likely IMHO, is that they are a distraction, and they involve 'no pressure' simply because the same degree of expectaion/love/ trust is not there. Like 'forgetting', temporarily.
But (barring a future miracle of science) her ptsd will be there for life.

Everyone can use a sane voice, and some are lucky enough to have a person who genuinely cares and tries to love the person without understanding everything. To me, ptsd is a terribly challenging example of that.

Keep writing for your own feelings, and best wishes to you both.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry Cyanide, -after all that writing can you belive I forgot something?

She may feel very hopeless that anything will ever change, that it is inherently "her".
How does one help to disprove that? :dontknow: -Very difficult.

I believe your affirmations of her positives, and what she means to you/ how you see her through your eyes, is key.
-Especially when you genuinely mean it. :smile:

 

[cyanide]

Dear Junebug,

I read your post every day because it's so significant and it really does reflect what it seems she is going through. I admire your courage, and thank you for sharing your words and advice that I truly closely follow.

This weekend will be a turning point as it will be her birthday. When I let her know a few days ago that I will stop by to give her a present, she initially seemed threatened/defensive, but warmed up shortly after—which I will get to soon. I will be sliding her gift under her door, as she is not comfortable to meet with me in person yet.

The birthday gift is a card that I made with specialized paper and it has a personalized message that genuinely tells her how much I value and love her, how much she means to me, and how I see her as a beautiful human being. Enclosed is also a very expensive gift. I think this gift will be a turning point as this is one of my only chances of showing how much I love and care about her (actions speak louder than words) while giving her space and minimal contact. I hope she will appreciate the gesture, but I will also be prepared if she pushes. I hope she will not perceive the gift as "guilt" or "pressure," but rather allow her to grow in love and trust.

As mentioned earlier, she appeared threatened when I mentioned the gift, but shortly after, she started to respond more than usual and even opened up about her family birthday plans. The past few days since then, she has been more responsive and friendlier in dialogue, but we still contact only intermittently. I take this as a good sign.

Also importantly, she told me she is taking a week off of work because she plans to be busy day and night exercising, going out, and hanging out with her friends. This is something she used to do before we met, but I did not expect her to take a week off of work to do this. This may be her way of "coping" or "shutting her mind off" but she says it will be relaxing. Hopefully this will help her heal, and of course, I support and allow her to do what she feels she needs to do.

Any thoughts on the events that has transpired would be greatly appreciated. Thank you again.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi cyanide,

I am glad that things have been positive, and that you have been able to get some use out of this post. Always bear in mind, this is just one opinion.

I think that is a beautiful thing you've done for your gf, and I do think that it is a very good sign that she has told you about her plans, and told you about taking the week off, in particular. It sounds like she does likely feel that she needs it.

I hope that she is able to love and appreciate your gift, right from the start. Just so that you are prepared, remember that her birthday will still (likely) be a source of positive stress, too, especially with family, etc., and you may find that she has a meltdown or mini-meltdown of sorts a day or a few days later.

I don't believe that this is ptsd related, more an issue of self-worth, but I used to be attrocious, receiving gifts- ok at the time (usually), though I already felt a sense I didn't deserve it, followed by a total rejection of the gift and person, a few days later. Yikes. The only thing that helped, over years, was feeling bad that I made the person giving the gift feel badly. But it is still frequently difficult for me. Past abuses of trust, complicate the matter, I think.

So, not in any ways to be a pessimist, but as you said, she became a bit threatened/ defensive already, if she has a meltdown, I would recommend stay calm, realize it truly isn't personal- just fear (fear of what it means, fear of emotions, fear of not being 'capable' of responding as you 'should', which feels like more stress), and don't let her drag you into what is just a distraction, because of these things. Hopefully she keeps it, but either way, by about 3 or 4 days if this should occur, if she doesn't, just slip it back under her door with a note that you feel the same, and it is just as much for 'you' as for her, that you hope she will keep it. By then, she is likely (left on her own), to be thinking and evaluating her own behaviour.

It's often a knee-jerk reaction to push someone sincere or good away. Why it's critical to give space, is because it decreases the fear, but most importantly forces the person to take responsibilty- only she can sort, process, and choose to manage her reactions.

So if all goes well, which I very sincerely hope, I would still let her do most of the contacting, let her friends tell her how lucky she is, to have met you. :smile: (which she is).

Btw, as wonderful as the 'expensive' gift I'm sure is, the intangible one of your feelings and sentiments (which are backed by your actions), are likely to mean the most to her (as this is what seems so unatainable with ptsd. There is a lot of self-rejection).

But, don't follow any of this, if your heart says otherwise, go by what your heart-of-hearts tells you.

I can only say, it is possible she will feel both gratitude, amazement, fear, perhaps fear of loss, and confusion, all in short order.
But the main thing is, she will be feeling them.

The important part, is also to take care of you. And when I say "don't react", I don't mean, don't show your feelings at all; just don't be dragged into an argument with her, she will sort out her feelings faster if you are steady and loving, but she is left with responsibilty for them.

..And despite how this sounds, have fun! Just enjoy each moment you can, for the good parts.
Much is also said without words.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry cyanide- true to form, I forgot something.

I know that it's lonely to have to keep such space.

 

[cyanide]

An update...

So far it's been 2.5 months since the break up. She did appreciate the birthday gift I got her (had to slide it under her door as she was not comfortable seeing me) but she responded with gratitude.

Yesterday was the first time I saw her since, and I was doing her a favour by lending her my car for a driving exam. She was very avoiding, quiet, nervous, and did not appear comfortable. After her exam that she passed, she was more talkative, and before we parted ways, I reached out to give her a hug, but she backed off.

After, when I got home, she came online shortly after and thanked me again for letting her use the car, and she also apologized for not giving me a hug because I appeared emotional. I told her I didn't realize I appeared emotional, but I was very happy to see her.

For the first time since, we got around to talking about boundaries and expectations. I made it clear to her that I love her, am completely devoted to her, hope for a reconciliation, but I'm in a vulnerable position because I'm investing everything into her and that I could be set up to have my heart broken. She made it clear that she only wants to be friends "for now" but reconciliation isn't a guarantee. She does wants to have me in her life, but she rarely initiates conversation with me, and she very rarely says much. I can't tell if this is an attribute of ptsd, or if I'm in a position of abuse since she's in a position of power.

We agreed that we can talk online, respect our boundaries, and see each other by only hanging out. That's fine with me, but the problem is, because of our past long-term relationship and her ptsd, we do not have a proper friendship dynamic.

I guess in time we'll work to improve our friendship, but it's extremely difficult to be just friends after a very close relationship. It's also very frustrating that the amount of emotional investment I place onto her is very rarely reciprocated and returned. Many of these can be attributed to ptsd, but I think my issue is that I do not know where I am in her life, or how valued I am in her life. I feel like an acquaintance now. We don't know very much about each other since because she has been very withdrawn and distant, and not hearing her feelings make it impossible to know her true feelings about me. At the same time, it might be impossible for her to find her feelings. I might be seeing her true self, or a facade/mask of her, and I do not know which I am seeing.

It's hard to love someone so much but yet feel so empty.