Relationship How Often Do I Need To Be Reminding Him That I'm Here For Him?

[Brittny]

Is it a bad idea to occasionally remind him that I'm here to listen if he needs me? I see people talk about how it's important for them to know that we're here, but how often should I be telling/reminding him of this? We don't have a completely open line of communication right now. He will occasionally respond to a message I send. He lives 7 hours away from me, so I can't just show up at his door (but trust me, I really want to!). He has never been mean or abusive to me. He has never even said right out that he doesn't want to be with me. He just says that he doesn't know what he wants right now. Since I'm the one who (foolishly) ended it (because I didn't understand what was going on), I do believe that he wants to be with me but maybe just can't handle a relationship right now. Understandable. So... how often do I try to communicate with him? I don't want him to forget that I'm here for him.

 

[Chris516]

You don't need to remind him at all. Because that could potentially stress him out, and start making him distance himself from you.

He will contact you, when he feels he can.

My friend has been verbally abusive to me many times. But, I know that she doesn't mean it. When she has been verbally abusive, she has never called me a bad name.

So, You need to let him determine the level of communication that he can handle.

 

[Bedbug]

Speaking as a sufferer, there were many times when I was glad to be reminded that people cared about me and were there for me if I needed/wanted to talk, but in ways that did not need a response. Texts, emails, cards in the post, etc. I have replied to about 10% of them, got stressed out by about 90% of them, but deep down I have appreciated 100% of them.

Has he actually told you not to contact him? That would make a difference.

 

[Chris516]

Bedbug, Yes, I understand. In the case of my friend, I have told her in the past, if she needed to talk, I am here for her. But I have not peppered her with reminders. I let her respond on her timetable, not mine.

 

[Samantha_38]

I have basically the same reaction to this as Bedbug has said. Sometimes they make me smile, sometimes I hate them, but in the end I needed to hear all of them. Plus, when I'm in a really bad place I know who I can go to.

I think the biggest problem I have with these reminders is that it reminds me I have problem, and that I need help with it. There are times I just want to do it myself, and I just don't want to need anyone. I also hate it when my problems are affecting those that I care about, and sometimes these reminders make me feel like they are. If I've ever gotten so frustrated that they need to stop though. I have let people know at that point. I'd say if he hasn't said quit, then he's ok with it. Also the fact that he's responding to some of them is a good sign. If you think about it, what would you say to someone who told you they were always there for you? Probably something like, "I know", or "Thanks". That's the only thing I can ever come up with, so it may just be he doesn't know what to say.

Things that don't require responses I do better with too, like texts, email, etc. Phone calls I'm terrible at.

 

[Chris516]

Brittany, Looking at my original reply, I had said that you don't need to remind him at all. BUT, That doesn't mean you can't remind him if you want to.

The nitty gritty of what I am getting at is, they shouldn't have to remind their supporters to remind them, and the supporter should do it of their own accord. A supporter who doesn't feel like they need to remind the person, is not a supporter.

 

[Brittny]

He has not come out and said to not contact him. And actually just earlier tonight I asked him out right if it bothered him if I say hello or ask how he's doing from time to time. He said it was fine. He also said that he doesn't have a lot to say and that he has nothing to give. I told him that I understood that and that he didn't have to give anything. He still thinks he needs to do this alone though, but keeps telling me it will be fine. I asked him if I could keep an open line of communication with him and he said it was fine but that he couldn't do anything more than that. I said I understood.

So he's still letting me talk to him. And I guess I don't necessarily want to actually come out and tell him all the time that I'm there for him, but even just saying hello or seeing how he's doing. He seems ok with it, but then again he isn't the type of guy to tell me it's not ok unless I ask him outright. He won't always respond, which I understand, but I'm just worried because his way of telling me it's not ok is to avoid it (a.k.a - not respond). So at what point to I need to realize that I have to back off. I'm trying to only say something small every once in a while. Maybe once or twice a week. Just to remind him that I'm still here and thinking about him.

Am I going about it alright? I'm so lost.

 

[Brittny]

And I will try harder to send only messages that don't need a response...however that's tough because that's the only way I know he's ok with me talking to him is if he responds. Double edged sword! :sorry:

 

[Chris516]

Brittany, You seem to doing the right thing.

Yes, Their responding seems like the only way of knowing whether, they acknowledge a message.

 

[Gingerly]

@Brittny, I understand exactly where you’re coming from. My ex-Sufferer won’t see me, says it would be too hard on both of us, but he likes when I call him; says I can call him every day; that he likes talking to me. I usually call once or twice a week. I want to be there for him as much as I can, in any way I can, since I love him, however, the more I speak to him, the more I miss him and want to be with him. Do I continue to call him with the hope that the future will bring about reconciliation or must I finally [but when??] understand that the separation is another chapter in our relationship?

 

[Brittny]

I agree. I'm kind of wondering the same thing. My guy does not like phone calls (but he never really did even when things were "fine"), but he can handle messages. I am hopeful that things can be worked out with him and I, but I'm wondering at what point I need to decide to move on. I agree that talking to him hurts and makes me miss him more each time. It's like opening a wound over and over again. I just can't imagine what he must be going through. It's hard enough on us...what's it like for him? :/

 

[Gingerly]

@Brittny, I don't know at what point you or I decide to move on. Some people advise me to cut all communication, but I can't do that [yet]. I am trying to come to grips with the fact that he does not want to be in a romantic/intimate relationship with me. He is willing to be friends, so I will be friends with him until something or someone comes into my life and changes my focus and allows me to "let go".