Relationship How Often Do I Need To Be Reminding Him That I'm Here For Him?

[Brittny]

Right now I'm just hoping he will allow me to be friends. I guess he is in his own way right now - since he is allowing some communication. But it's tough when I can't ever see him. We can't just meet up for coffee or something because he's so far away. I'm just worried that me being so far away will make it that much easier for him to forget about me.

But... I told him I will be here for him, and I mean that. So in that regard, I can't move on.

 

[Gingerly]

My ex and I live about three hours away from each other so I know what you mean. I told him I would always be there for him too. Your guy could live around the corner from you, but still not be ready to see you. To me, that could be even worse. No one can determine for another person what the correct timeline is, but do you think you could try to go forward on your own and still be there for him?

I agree with Chris516, He will contact you, when he feels he can.

 

[Brittny]

I have a friend in my Guard unit who has also dealt with PTSD and I've been talking to him a lot lately. It's been very helpful for him. I'm starting to realize little by little how I should be handling things. What's hardest for me right now is to get over the fact that I didn't handle things well in the beginning. I keep playing the "what if?" game, and that's not helping me. Now I need to be patient. I think I can do this.

Thank you for all the help and responses!

 

[LostOne83]

I am going through this with my boyfriend. We are separated right now but we still text almost everyday. I don't badger him I'll send a text and wait until he responds before I send another one. I found that when he wouldn't answer me and I would keep sending text after text after text it would make him angry and withdrawn and not answer me until he cooled off and gave him some space. I find that letting him answer in his own time you are more likely to get better responses. I'm just happy that we are still talking at all because that was my biggest fear about me leaving. I also every few days will just send messages like hope you are having a good day at work just thinking about you, not expecting to get a response and to my surprise he'll actually write me back. It takes patience.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I asked him out right if it bothered him if I say hello or ask how he's doing from time to time. He said it was fine. He also said that he doesn't have a lot to say and that he has nothing to give. I told him that I understood that and that he didn't have to give anything. He still thinks he needs to do this alone though, but keeps telling me it will be fine.

I'm a sufferer and I'd like to offer a little input on the sections that I bolded. You asked if it's ok from time to time and he said yes. So how often? From time to time. He said he doesn't have a lot to say. If you reach out more often than that he might literally not have a response for you as he said he doesn't have a lot to say. If he feels he needs to do this alone I think that should be respected UNLESS he's a person who deals with SI.

It's important to take people at their word. People with or without PTSD often know their limits and if they speak their limits they need their limits respected. I totally understand that you're wanting to reach out and support him and I think that's a good thing. I also know that for me if I let people know that I need to be alone and they don't let me take that time even if they have the most caring intentions I feel like my wishes and my boundaries and my space aren't being respected. And that sometimes feels like I'm not being respected and that can trigger my anger.

When I need time alone and people insist on coming in my room for example I get really angry. Sometimes what I need is the quiet where I can isolate and give my system a chance to calm down. Always being hypervigilant and having PTSD are exhausting. And after awhile I just feel totally overstimulated and I need the quiet.

 

[Sighs]

I think LostOne83 has a good point - only send one text - then wait for a response. Accept that no response might come but RESIST the temptation to send follow up texts. When my love is withdrawn I send a text telling him I love him and then wait... Its very hard but he needs the time and space. So far, he's always come back. I'm terrified that one day he won't but bombarding him with texts and phone calls won't help.

 

[ISupportHer]

Admittedly I did not read every word in this thread but the title made me think. So what I say is more like random thoughts as opposed to responding to a specific comment.

I, too, struggled with this. "Reminding" can be interpreted a lot of ways. Too much, in frequency or even in the extent , has the potential of being perceived as controlling. It also can potentially be coming from the wrong "place". As supporters, we are stressed too. Is constant "reminders" for the benefit of the sufferer? Or is it really something done out of desperation on our part? To make us feel better?

I did get one piece of advice from the first Therapist I went to, way back when. I have tried to "model" by behavior. Live as an example to my wife, if that makes sense. Then the fact that I am just there for her is, in it's own way, a reminder. I just had to learn to be able to accept that myself. That I was doing enough as I was so fearful that I need to do more. And more. And more. Sometimes being a minimalist is the best. AND the hardest.