Relationship How Often Do They Leave You?

[JessMar0126]

You all are scaring me! Granted my relationship is new...but he got distant beginning Thursday/Friday....and I haven't heard anything since. I feel that is long, but 2 weeks as some of you are mentioning!? I am still trying to determine if my "still boyfriend" is just a jerk or is having an episode. I am too stubborn to text him because I initiated on Friday.

 

[amethist]

We don't mean to scare you Jess, but we will only give you honest replies. Its no use fluffy coating anything with PTSD it wont help in the long term.

Maybe a quick text asking if he is OK would be a good think to do, then if he does not reply, leave him until you feel you cannot wait any longer.

One thing you should not do is put your life on hold.

 

[JessMar0126]

I guess since this hasn't happened before I am trying to figure out if this is PTSD or is he just a jerk. My gut is telling me it's PTSD.

I figure I will send him a message maybe tonight letting him know I am thinking of him and that I hope he is well. I know if I send him a message now I will get myself unfocused waiting for a response and put myself in a tizzy waiting and not get anything accomplished for the day. One thing I need to figure out for myself is how much am I willing to deal with this. I can be strong for him, but I don't want to put myself through an emotional beating in the process causing me to engage in toxic behaviors.

I guess though, me finding this website and engaging in it, is a sign to me how much I do care. If I didn't think he was worth it I wouldn't be here.

 

[zephyer]

Hey Spring,
I was wondering does he tell you to leave him alone? Like not to call or text again? And then disappears?

 

[Spring]

Zephyer,
Yes, he's done that before. He does have his meltdowns and will tell me to leave him alone, and then he will isolate for a few days (sometimes a couple of weeks). It's common behavior. It still doesn't make it easy on us supporters. But you do find ways to help yourself get through those times. I know that it's difficult... But we're here if you need us=)

 

[sd167008]

I know that his illness will cause withdrawl from time to time. In the three months we've been dating he's shut me out for at least two weeks a month. It's frustrating to have him pull away, but I just keep being patient. He's recently had a ptsd episode (his words) and we're going on four weeks of not talking. He told me he wanted to take a break for a while and maybe it was best if we didn't talk.

In your experience, is giving them the space they ask for the best move? I miss him like crazy, but I want to respect the boundaries he's asked for. And what is guy speak for a while? Could men be more vague!? (no offense, guys!)

 

[Spring]

Hi sd167,
It's common for them to distance themselves from people - especially the ones who are closest to them. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, and he still has his episodes of retreat.

Yes, in my experience it's best to give them time and space. And unfortunately, time is a totally different concept for men than it is for women! It's different for each couple, but in my experience I give about a week, then I send a very short "Hi, hope you're doing well." I don't ask questions, just a quick text or email to let him know that I'm there if he needs me. If there's no response, give him more time and space.

I know what you're going through, and it can be very frustrating and really spike our anxiety level - You're left n limbo. But please remind yourself that it has nothing to do with you, and if you need to hear it, you can always find me here=)
~Spring

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a sufferer.

Yes, please give a sufferer space when we ask for it. I'm female but I have a feeling that my need for time/space is more on par with other guys. (I've been told this by more than one guy in the past.)

I can only imagine what the pulling away does to those who care about us. But, I will tell you this. If you don't respect the requests for time you are in danger of pushing the sufferer away for good. Or rather you'll be chasing, they'll be running. I'm dealing with this right now with one person. They're bugging me; I keep ignoring.

Not everyone can handle the push/pull cycle. I'm 33 and I've only found one person who is willing to tolerate it, but things are precarious at times. (And no, we're not even together; he's just a friend of sorts)

I'm not intending to step on any toes. I commend all the supporters for posting their stories and reaching out for help. It really helps sufferers like me to see the other side of our behavior.

 

[Nicolette]

I personally don't equate needing space as 'leaving' when in a relationship and wouldn't be in one if that was the case.

Anthony was in the habit of taking off to his parents in his last relationship. To me that's a deal breaker. Being respectful & not bugging him is giving him space. He can go out for a drive and be alone, take a book and go to the coffee shop etc but I will not deal with problems by 'running away' and expect my partner to do the same.

 

[Bilby]

I'd be very upset if my husband took off. Much like Nicolette, if he wants to go out somewhere on his own, or needs to have a lie down, or quiet time reading a book or whatever, then ok. But if he were to take off altogether, it'd be on like donkey kong.

My husband's way is often to sit at his computer doing 'stuff' that takes his mind off other things - he can spend hours doing that. I try to give him the space to do that and not bug bother him whilst he's doing it. Yes, it aggravates me at times as I need a break from things myself and don't often get it, but he copes a lot better if he gets the space that he needs.

 

[nimkekaa]

Reading through the above posts as a sufferer, I felt really bad about the lack of respect for the supporters. I am female and maybe that is different but even when I "ran away" it was only for a few hours and I always let my hubby know that I was safe.

Sometimes I left because I was afraid of my anger and feelings and didn't want to hurt anyone. I also needed to calm down before I self harmed also. But I can't understand not being able to at least text your loved one and say I am safe, need more time etc.

I could not explain (or even understand sometimes) what I was feeling or going through and pushing me to do so would only have made me lash out or hurt myself. But I have been to some pretty nasty places in my head and still gave my hubby the respect of letting him know I'm safe etc.

Please take care of yourself and figure out what you can live with and set boundries. It won't do either of you any good if you start feeling resentful for things when your sufferer doesn't even know how bad it bothers you. You really are special people to try so hard to understand something that we (sufferers) don't always understand ourselves.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh, and I want to add that I responded based on the assumption that the supporters above were not living with their partners. If you are, that's another dimension to the problem and my above response doesn't totally fit.