General How On Earth Do I Have More Tears To Cry?

[Stacey85]

I can't even go into a back story, because I don't have it in me, so I'll give a nutshell (Maybe you can search my previous posts, been a while since I've been on)

I was a single mom, hubby had been stationed close to us and we go way back (knew each other since we were born) ended up living a fairy tale romance. He kept deployment, we had 2 more kids, he finally gets a break from deployment, but he has PTSD

He tried to get help at Campbell (there's a reason they have the highest suicide/murder rate, it's because they don't give a crap) and he was turned away. They are helping him here to a point, but it's not enough.


It's like he's dead inside, he doesn't treat me at all, and he treats our kids like crap. Emotionally and verbally abusing them non stop. I have tossed around the idea of divorce because he's been home over a year and things are getting worse at a very fast rate. But I think a separation would be best so he can follow through with him saying he's going to get help.

Then this morning he just says "I want a divorce" and is basically throwing our family away, it seems to me that we were never worth the fight when he can just dump us like that. After all he's put me through, and all I've stood by him through, including the PTSD (there were issues before that)

All the pain, and he's throwing us away. It was all for nothing. I feel completely empty, and at this point if I had the guts, I'd blow my f*cking brains out, honestly. But I'm a coward, and can't do it because I'm afraid I'll screw it up, live, and become a vegetable, and a burden.

Now I see how it's possible to get PTSD from living with someone with it. I am miserable, and I have nightmares EVERY single night of my life. I'm sick all the time. My quality of life is a joke.

I don't want to give up on him, and I don't want him to throw us away as it seems he is doing, but I feel like I don't have anything left to give. I am now the one dead inside.

 

[Stacey85]

I've been reading the pinned notes. I'm not scared of what advice might come, I realize everyone hear means well, and we all are here for common reasons. I'd love some advice from those who've been through it and are on the other side. I don't want to give up, but I'm not sure when enough is enough, and I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I feel so isolated in my life, because no one I know understands.

Please. Please help me, us, our family.

 

[discarded]

Hi Stacey85, I can't give any advice as I am living it still. I left my husband of over 27 years due to the ongoing battle of PTSD. That was 10 weeks ago and all of his promises to get help if I just left him alone have fallen by the wayside. I too feel like our marriage and family and all that we endured so he could have his military career and get his stinking medals, was all for nothing. I totally understand how you feel and the suffering you are going through. I am on antidepressants myself and attend counselling but I just feel like I am in limbo, do I give up and move on or sit and wait to see if he gets help and wants me back in his life.

I think the military has a lot to answer for, they compensate the soldier but what about the discarded families. I am struggling along on a meagre income, in a small rental property with 2 of our 4 children (the other 2 are married), while he is stagnating in our house. I am scared instigating property setlement will push him over the edge but my funds are fast running out. Don't get me wrong I love him but life sucks big time thanks to PTSD.

Hang in there. Take care of yourself for you and your children's sakes. I too am hoping for a happy ending to this mess.

 

[Stacey85]

Wow Discarded, I am so sorry. I am afraid that's what our fate is. I can keep holding on, and praying things will get better, or I can stand up for myself and the kids, and start over.. But I am scared. I gave up everything to be with him. And it's just not so simple. We as military spouses pour our heart and soul into supporting our soldiers and such in every way, and we end up forgetting ourselves along the way. Everything is for them, we're just along for the ride.

He now says he doesn't want a divorce, but feels its best for the kids and me, but I feel like he's just throwing us away, honestly. After everything I've given up to support him and his career, now we're just tossed aside. He's agreed to stick with the new PTSD treatment they're starting with him, and go to anger management as well.

I know there needs to come a time where if it doesn't get better, I HAVE to walk away, although that means my heart with be broken forever, I am a mom first, and I need to do what's best for our kids.

 

[discarded]

Hi Stacey, at least he is going to get treatment and that will hopefully help a lot. I would have stuck it out longer if my husband would get help but this time there were too many things going on and I didn't like what I had become. There were days when I wanted to do exactly what he was doing and just act like the rest of the world didn't exist. But I have a child to look after, our child, and I couldn't let her down too.

I truly hope things work out for you, there are plenty of success stories on here. It will always be difficult maintaining a relationship with a sufferer but they are worth it, even if they don't think they are. I will always be here for my exhusband should he ask for help and I pray everyday that he does, if not from me, then from somewhere else.

 

[Stacey85]

I don't like who I'm becoming either. I am losing myself in this battle, but I'm still trying my best to hang on.

For what it's worth, THANK YOU, for your service and sacrifice. We military spouses/families have such a huge role in what our service members do for our country. You have made so many sacrifices along the way, and even still to this day, though you are not together. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are NOT forgotten, or looked past.

 

[Bilby]

Stacey, rather than re-posting my story, feel free to take a look at the opening post in my journal:

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-journey-of-a-thousand-miles-begins-with-one-step.28869/[/DLMURL]

You might find it useful?

B x

 

[Stacey85]

Bilby, that was very helpful. 99% of what you had wrote, I really identified with, and the fact that things are starting to look up for you and your family, really puts some hope back into my heart. Thank you!

 

[Bilby]

I'm glad it was helpful for you, Stacey85 :)

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Stacey85, I am sorry that you and your family are in such a horrible situation. If he is getting help and is serious about it he will get be able to get a lot better. It is hard, tho. And it is totally up to him.

You, in the meantime, clearly need to be taking ALOT better care of you. You need a life, a balanced and healthy life. A safe place for your kids and you to be a family whether he gets well or not. Are you and your kids seeing any kind of T? Living with a PTSD parent is very very hard on kids.

You are already entertaining the idea of walking away - and honestly that may be the best thing you can do to support him getting help and sticking with it. Are you guys living on base? Can you start putting together "the next life" for you and the kids there? It is hard to "hope for the best and plan for the worst" but that's what you'll need to do to survive this. It sucks. It really really does.

This is a great place, and full of vital information and support about coping with PTSD. Read around, you'll find you are in excellent company :(.

Might he look at some of the info Anthony's posted?

Sending you all peace and healing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My heart really goes out to you. You are better than you think you are and you are not as bad as you think you are. I really hope everything turns out well for you and your family. I agree with Eleanor and think therapy would be very beneficial to you and to your children. You guys have been through hell and back. I am wishing you the best. Good luck. Keep us informed of how you guys are doing ok?

 

[Breezy]

Hi Stacy85
I just wanted to say that you are stronger than you think you are and braver than you know. As Eleanor said...you need to take care of yourself. As much as it hurts maybe taking a step back from him would be the best thing you can do for yourself and your children. Especially since you say that he is verbally abusive towards you and the children.

I have been with a man with combat PTSD for over 2 years. We were never married and we didn't have kids together (although he has 2 and I have 1 from previous relationships) but we lived together. Our relationship was fantastic until the bottom fell out. Looking back the PTSD played a HUGE role in our crumble...however there were many contributing factors. Six months ago he moved out after he had an affair with a co-worker...twice in a matter of a week. THAT (the affair) was not PTSD. THAT was a conscience decision that he made. I caught him the 2nd time and told him to leave. That was the best thing that we could have done for ourselves. We are back together now...working. It is extremely difficult. He is not seeking T or help in anyway (although he was on meds when we lived together).

The thing that I am working on with myself is finding me through all of this. The love is there for my man and his children. There is also love from him. Sometimes (ok, quite often) I find myself questioning every little aspect of our relationship. Such as...he didn't kiss me goodbye, he seemed short with me, his hug wasn't very strong. I am recognizing that these are MY insecurities and there is no reason to question these things. I am also learning on stepping back when he "cycles" and staying away as I do not want to be the "dog that is kicked". Set boundaries (totally easier said than done). Stick to your guns and stand up for yourself as you will not be a doormat. Make a life for you and your children away from him and focus on the joy that you have in your life. Seek treatment for yourself! I cannot stress the importance of that!!!!!! If you choose to stay with him you have to find yourself before you can support him. If you choose that you will have to be the calm in the storm.

I love to do projects (painting and decorating around the house). I call these things mindless manual labor. It requires just enough thought to do the project and to keep my mind off things. Music is also an outlet as I can find a song that speaks to any emotion that I have. As I type this I am rocking out with my headphones on to my IPod with my man sitting next to me.

It's all a work in progress. Every part of our lives is a work in progress. Smile. Know that better days are coming. Rejoice in the beauty of life. If you stumble...get back up. Good luck to you. I wish you the best.