How Perpetrator's 'groom' Victims To Make Them Feel Like Its Their Fault

[freakofnurture]

@grey eyes: I do know that Sigmund Freud was struggling for quite some time to find out how he felt about child/adult sexual contact, especially the incestuous variety. In the end he gave in to the pressure of his pedophile peers - hence the idea of kids identifying with their same-sexed p*rent, stepping into a concurrency with them and trying to seduce the opposite-sexed p*rent in an attempt to replace the same-sexed p*rent.

That's pedo apologetics, plain and simple, and I think that this crime of Freud's isn't criticised nearly enough in discussion of his role as the founder of modern psychology. He could have brought some good ammunition into the fight against pedophilia, but he made himself an ally of the perps.

Sometimes I'm so pissed about this that I'm willing to think he did it only to make sure that his line of work would never run out of clients -.-

 

[grey eyes]

I agree

 

[Helliepig]

I think the fact that I got ptsd was really magnificently human of me, a sacred part, a humanity thats central to who I am, what I am, that can't be lost or taken, its just me, I know right and wrong, I just know, thats me. Inside, somewhere, I always knew how wrong his behaviour was, his and my Fathers. My body knew. Thats why I got sick, because the wonderful human-me knew the difference.

Thats a strength of character, conscience and moral fibre neither of them will ever have. I can see why they wanted to dominate me in their 'poverty', because I am so rich in my heart, I have such high values that really bad behaviour makes me this sick. I can see why they found that threatening, humanity is lovely, all they have is shame. Gosh! My father, my ex, they're so small.

<Inserted Paragraph Breaks>

I so agree with this. There's something in us that is hunting for the truth, and a better way of being in the world. We didn't just become like we were treated. I think a lot of the time those who are bullied and abused are often decent sensitive characters who give others the benefit of the doubt, and maybe that's why they are singled out in the first place.

 

[WisdomisPower]

Thank you so much for this information, my ex friend who I will not name, had told me his tragic past of his mother and brother committing suicide. He seemed like a really nice guy until he just started acting really weird. He even wanted me to be his girlfriend :eek:.

I talked to my friend and he told me some pretty scary things about this guy, like he tried possibly poisoning a couple of people and that this friend had a dream about something to do with a chainsaw and this guy who is my ex friend went out and bought a chainsaw the next day.

I also remember him saying something about that he thinks his mother and brother and friends were murdered but when my friend and asked him who he thought it was, he said 'I don't know', he has a mental illnesses as well, and he said that 'the patients in the hospital were trying to kill him'.

He was obviously delusional but very scary none the less. Now I want nothing to do with him whatsoever because I am worried that he wants to go out with me and possibly murder me (don't know for sure but maybe that is his motive to asking me to be his girlfriend). I now understand more about how perpetrators groom their victims and can't believe how stupid I was to think that I was in love with him!

<Edited for basic grammar by KP the nut>

 

[Hashi]

What stayed with me from watching that Oprah show was that the molesters knew to pick children who had inadequate care. They knew that the children already had low self confidence, little or no emotional safety in their lives and no-one was watching over them properly. This is the most triggering thing for me - defective (and abusive) parenting set me up for a life of trauma.

I have to say I have a problem with Viktor Frankl's book. If a negative opinion is going to spoil help/inspiration that the book has given you then please don't read this.

While in a life or death situation, tortured or threatened with torture, I don't believe it's right to compare people for how they respond differently. I'm really uncomfortable about treating this as a moral or spiritual decision, even if some people decided to torture others to save themselves. That decision is not the same as what's discussed elsewhere in this thread, ie the need to transfer feelings of inadequacy and shame onto someone else. I don't think it's a free choice because it's about survival and the effect of terror on our minds.

The survival instinct can be incredibly strong and I know that when I was in a situation of torture and death I wasn't making a single conscious decision, only instinctive ones. I was not free to change my attitude any more than someone whose mind has been programmed by a cult is. Everyone is different and perhaps for some people the instinct was to sustain themselves through a sort of spiritual refuge of helping others. Certainly that would have helped in the aftermath and can make a book, but the people I feel most moved for are those who did what they thought they had to, to live, then had to live with that for the remainder of their lives. Different people may have reacted in different ways, but I don't believe that anyone in Auschwitz had much choice over their reaction to the situation.

The only harm I did in my situation was to myself, but that might have been because there was no other option. I'm thankful that I wasn't put to the test. If I had harmed other people for my own survival I wouldn't want to be held up against someone in the same situation who hadn't. Forcing someone to hurt another person is a manipulation of our lack of power just as grooming is.

I'm sorry I just can't agree with Viktor Frankl's book. I think the search for meaning has to start after the event, not during it.

 

[mamachick]

I could be mistaken so please feel free to correct me if I am, but those with anti social personality disorder really do not have free will to be good people. I think there is a biological difference. That is not to say that they are all molestors and abusers. They have differences in the scope of their behabiors but the lack any conscience. They really cannot be helped professionally. The do not feel any real remorse. They do not experience empathy. Therefore, they learn early the appropriate response to situations and mimic it for social acceptance. Many are hard criminals in prison and have engage in such illegal behavior. Others get by exploiting others but never do anything criminal. The part that I am uncertain of (tired at the moment), is that there is something in their brain that is different than others.

So it a molester or abuser is actually showing remorse and regret and sorrow for who they have hurt, they would not be a person with anti social personality disorder. However, they can be very good at faking those emotions. Any professional will say, if you discover that you are in a relationship with someone with anti social personality disorder-get out now and dont look back. Nothing good will ever come of it and they do not change. They are incapable.

There are a lot of sick people that do so much harm but are not suffering from a clinical diagnosis of ASPD.

 

[WisdomisPower]

I went through a very traumatic experience about 7 years ago and my only instinct was for survival and then shortly after that I was diagnosed with mental illness. The friend I mentioned earlier is harmless. Someone who he doesn't get along with that well anymore had mentioned something to me. At first it freaked me out and I was also upset, so I wasn't thinking clearly at the time. I think the other person was just trying to scare me.

Also, my dad is right, if he really was a murderer he wouldn't be out in society. He also gave me good advice to not believe everything you hear.

My friend himself has mental illnesses. He suffers from bipolar and schizophrenia. And I think right now he is struggling with the loss of his mother, his stepmother not really liking him and having a void because he doesn't really have anyone who cares for him as a mother.

He also lost his brother when he was younger too.

At this time, I am just trying to be supportive as a friend if he needs someone to talk to, a hug or a shoulder to cry on. I can't imagine or try to understand what he is going through right now. All I can do is to be supportive and hopefully that will be enough to help him work through his issues.

 

[Daisygirl]

Hi Thnowlflea - Thank you for making this post. I found the information here validating and enlightening. I do not plan to watch the video, but thank you for doing so and sharing the information.

Also the Molesters say grooming is very important to their molesting process because thats how they make sure their victim won't tell on them. They talk about taking that very seriously because they don't want to go to jail.

My dad's level of "grooming" I have always believed was motivated by fear of being caught.

Look at how we choose to respond to an awful past compared to the person they have chosen to be! My point: Not everyone whos had a shocking life chooses to victimize other people. Because we know we have a choice not to be that kind of person. Just like every abuser, every sociopath, every psychopath has a choice.

I like your thoughts on this. I have always felt that my parents' behavior was a choice, but have met some flack from people/professionals that aren't specialists in trauma. I chose to get help. I chose to read and do research, even before computers. I chose to be the best person I could be - honest and responsible. I made choices. Yes, I agree 100%. My mom and dad made choices too.