How Soon Is Now...

[LostintheDark]

My thread title is an old Smiths song, fairly depressing but sounds amazing.

But seriously, two years ago I was retraumatized in a clinic. I hadn't even realized I'd been traumatized. I checked in because of anxiety problems and wanting to learn better coping skills. I came out worse than when I went in. I don't blame the clinic. I was 42 and was under the impression I'd put grown the scars of child abuse. As it would turn out, those scars are from the trauma.

See, I thought, that I just had a rough childhood. I didn't see it as abuse until I was 10 yo. I asked my grandfather if I was abused. He didn't want to answer but finally said yes.

I lived with my abusers, my mother and stepfather, another 5 to 7 years.

I showed teachers the blood bruises from my lower back to my upper thighs. They just came out to talk to my parents and my parent denied abusing me, so they left and I was branded a liar.

My abuse started earlier than the age of 7. By the time I was in going into my late teens the abuse had also turned to neglect. In some cases by people who really weren't responsible for me but were trying.

The point is, I'm 44 now. I understand that my past is in my past, but why can't I hold onto friends now? This might seem like a topic change but it isn't. My psychiatrist wants me to expand my circle of support. I don't know how to meet new people anymore. I don't want to have more people around to trigger me. God it just feels like it gets harder and harder.

I felt better the last month, overall. My doctor put me on Xanax XR, trying to taper me back off of Xanax.

I already meditate 10 minutes a day but my doctor wants me to increase that to three 20 minute sessions.

I used to go to a support chat, but I was getting triggered way too much there.

Anyone with ideas?

 

[kilted]

Your therapist is right, however that doesn't mean you jump into things. I found that challenging myself, with the support of my therapist has helped me.

It is uncomfortable, I prefer things where people don't talk..... yoga, dance etc. OK so some people do small talk at the beginning or end, but I've found groups where people are OK with people who do the mindful silence thing! It helps to talk to the group leader about why your there..... that allows them to put your behaviour in context. Not all groups/activities are good..... it takes a while to find one that has the right "vibe"..... where it's OK to be a bit different. My therapist has helped work this out.

Over time, even without talking, I've become part of the group and felt more comfortable. It's taken years, and sometimes been challenging, but it's been worth it. As I've become more comfortable in these groups they've led on into more talk orientated mutual support style groups.

Personally, I've found most "proper" support/therapy groups to be worse than useless (re-traumatising), not because groups don't work, but because they've been badly led. This is usually because the leaders haven't been well trained in group work.

 

[LostintheDark]

Your therapist is right, however that doesn't mean you jump into things. I found that challenging myself...

The problems I run into with group therapy is the level of empathy I feel. My clinic experience was horrible because I felt sort of like a mimic. Maybe it was a defense mechanism, fit rather than stand out, I don't know.

What I do know is that my circle is minuscule, two friends and my doctors. And there's complicated history with the friends, let alone that I live with them.

I started 10 minutes of headspace, headspace is a guided meditation service/app, a day a couple weeks ago. That was having a profound influence on me. I felt better than I had in some time, but now my doctor wants me to stretch to 60 minutes a day and widen my circle.

It's so weird I feel like I have forgotten how to meet people.

I'm worried about groups because I'm afraid of ... walking into a bog ... not the people, but the terrain.

I'm sure that last bit didn't make sense.

I'll put it another way.

I was on an all liquid diet for about four months. I drank protein shakes. This was medically supervised. I lost 80 pounds in that time. The trouble is we'd have weekly meetings, and talk about food. So here I am discussing portions and so on but going home to nice thick shake. While I learned a ton, it also set me up for failure. Though my weight is a result from an experience from childhood. Was made to go a week without eating for forgetting to feed the dog. I was in great shape until that event.

I rambled, the Xanax XR three times daily helps keep my ANS balanced, but the process you have to go through to get your medication sometimes sets you back all by itself.

 

[Freedomfighter]

A support group like this sounds like the right option for you. Talking is not necessary to receive the help you need. We all understand what PTSD is about and that alone feels great. You will be able to heal in your own way, without interacting with the group you talked about. Give this forum a try and you might be surprised by how much you will learn.

I learned so much about my abusive childhood, once you get to know what really happened you will understand your reactions to trauma in the present better too.

 

[LostintheDark]

A support group like this sounds like the right option for you. Talking is not necessary to rece...

I really liked what you had to say here. Thank You!