How To Be A Good Friend To Someone Who May Be Dying Soon.

[Candleflames]

I have a very close friend who has MS. Two years ago a very large lesion was found wrapping around her spinal cord from the top of her neck down into her neck. She's so scared she blocked out the information until about a week ago. There are several other new smaller lesions as well but it's that big one that could kill her at almost any moment. I'm going with her Friday to her neurologist so she has a second set of ears to remember details and instructions. The appointment is about new medications that could potentially put her disease into a type of stasis and give her many more years.

So here is where I could use some help. How can I be a good friend and help her through this with out totally going numb? We have been talking a lot about her situation. We talk about how much she's scared, and how unfair this is and how angry we both are. We talk about the logistics of her dieing like what she wants done with her body, funeral arrangements and support of her husband and two kids. I've noticed that I am often divorcing my emotions during the talks. I think that it might be making it difficult for her to open up all the way out of not wanting to cause me distress.

So how can I let out an appropriate amount of my emotions so I can be strong for her? I don't want her to feel like she has to take care of me because I'm scared of loosing her. I will get my turn to be supported when she is feeling stronger. I don't want to be numb either.

I'm not even sure what an appropriate amount of emotion is. How can I figure that one out? I've never had someone so close and dear to me be in a slow degrading agonizing process. She deserves for her loved ones to be there for her not fall apart or bail on her.

Anybody have any words of wisdom or practical advise for us? This friendship is very important to both of us. And she knows I am posting this too.

 

[Jyar]

Candleflames,

You aren't alone here. The tears that are frozen inside or just simply gone. From a guys perspective I would simply be there as a backbone, an advocate to make sure her demands are seen to fruition.

Tears may not be able to come to you, no matter how bad and sorry you feel. However, your friend shod be able to see that you are there for her as her advocate and that you deeply affected by what is going on.

I've been there twice this year. Within six months I lost my grandfather to a tragic fall and my aunt to corectal cancer. Kind words are as soothing as tears. Just be there for your friend in every way possible.

 

[ms spock]

Are you in therapy? Do you have support for yourself?

Is your friend in a support group or therapy.

One person cannot be everything for another person. Unless you are a newborn baby. So it is important for both you and your friend to have other avenues of support and connection.

 

[Candleflames]

Jyar,

Thanks for your kind words. I'm sorry you have lost loved ones recently. I think my main concern is that I will shut off my emotions and become robotic while trying to be there for her. That would be bad for both of us. I have had people close to me die, but always very suddenly. This is the first time I have been there for someone who knows a head of time and that it will be a horrible experience.

Ms Spock,

Thank you for your concern and reminders to take care of myself in this process. We are both in therapy. We both also other people in our support network. Although we don't necessarily have very many people. It's just that we are closer to each other then the others. We are second moms to each other children and often get mistaken as a couple. Our husbands are good friends as well. For all intensive purposes we are family. She has been there for me when I'm having a rough time too. The past few years are actually the first time I've had any kind of support people in my life.

It's just I tend to shut off my emotions when life throws me the really hard stuff. I'd like to not do that this time and process this situation as it happens.

I hope that I've clarified some points.

 

[LizardViolet]

Turning off emotions is a self-protective measure. It's not automatically a bad thing and might be needed in the moment.

Have you asked your therapist about this issue? If it were me, I might actually welcome some respite from the difficult emotions while I had to, for example, be with the friend at a doctor's appointment. I would know from experience that I could do what was necessary (with the help of my therapist or other supporters, or on my own) to get back in touch with my emotions when I was ready to.

Will your ability to be a supportive friend be impaired if you are numb?

 

[Candleflames]

LizardViolet,

Normally I much prefer to to be numb. It really helps me get things done efficiently. Unfortunately it has an alienating effect. I'm told my energy comes of as very icy and, while impressive in what I get accomplished, is quite scary to see me that way. I think that she would not feel comfortable confiding in me and just simply not be able to comfort her at all. I've just started to address my own trauma so have to work very hard at being stable. I'm not sure how I would react coming out of a numb state. I have a lot of anger about how someone so amazing, who does so much good for the world is having to go through such pain. It's not right.

I'd be nice if I could just slightly numb rather then go completely numb. Like applying an ice pack versus a triple dose of novocaine. Does that make sense?

However we did get good news at her appointment this morning. The lesion isn't as bad as she thought it was. It's also seams to be only on the sensory tissue and not the motor control tissue. So the chance of a sudden death is slim. However a slow very painful one is still a pretty close to a certainty.

Thank you for your input. I'm getting a better idea of what exactly I'd like and therefore some idea of how my doc and I can work on it.