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Sexual Assault i don’t really want to accept that i was raped by someone i trusted and was a good friend to me

  • Thread starter Abs0luteind0ubt
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Abs0luteind0ubt

I think something is wrong with me.

hi, i just found this as i was googling if anyone else is the same as me. i was raped last year at 16 by a friend. we were both drunk and were sleeping in a spare room with my other friend. but i continued speaking to him, i cried during it but i froze i didn’t make a sound and it was the most painful thing i had ever had i cried when he left my house and i was still in pain from it. however i can’t help but victim blame myself i can’t stop it, i just want to forget it so i talk to him deep down i know that he did do it but i feel some sense of guilt? he was my friend and we were drunk, maybe it was a miscommunication he thought i wanted it i don’t know because i never said yes i went to “sleep” i was actually awake but was sick from being drunk. i know he is horrible deep down. he started talking to me again this year i no longer live near him but i just missed us being friends and how great our conversations were but my other friend who knows what he did tells me how i’m stupid and how i’m just dumb for talking to him. i don’t know how to stop i victim blame myself and then i don’t want to remember it so i just pretend everything is normal because i don’t really want to accept that i was raped by someone i trusted and was a good friend to me
 
I'm sorry that happened to you.

It's entirely common to blame yourself. It's also common to want to act like it didn't happen and to maintain a relationship that you had. All these are trauma responses of denial, minimising. Which causes confusion because at the same time you know it happened and that it was him doing something incredibly harmful.

I agree with @Sideways . Do you have access to any sexual violence support? Or a therapist?
You can work through this. It's possible to not blame yourself. It's possible to shift all the blame on to him. It's possible to work through the loss of the person you thought he was.
 
I think something is wrong with me.

hi, i just found this as i was googling if anyone else is the same as me. i was raped last year at 16 by a friend. because i don’t really want to accept that i was raped by someone i trusted and was a good friend to me
I'm a Newbie so place my comments in a Newbie context, but as I see it you've accepted your situation already. And I think that's a good start, just because it mirrors the truth. Next, I think you should assess what you really want out of this somewhat lop-sided friendship. I think it's important to challenge your friend as to his intentions, because you don't want this to recur (I think that's obvious). This approach leaves things open for both of you, and depending on your wants, should enable the two of you to successfully separate (cease the friendship) or possibly get closer if that's what you really want. But whatever your direction, YOU should be taking the reins - he's proven to be less of a friend than ideal, and you should keep that in mind with whatever he says and does in the future. However, I do not think there's anything wrong with you - no more than the rest of us, anyway.
 
I think something is wrong with me.

hi, i just found this as i was googling if anyone else is the same as me. i was raped last year at 16 by a friend. we were both drunk and were sleeping in a spare room with my other friend. but i continued speaking to him, i cried during it but i froze i didn’t make a sound and it was the most painful thing i had ever had i cried when he left my house and i was still in pain from it. however i can’t help but victim blame myself i can’t stop it, i just want to forget it so i talk to him deep down i know that he did do it but i feel some sense of guilt? he was my friend and we were drunk, maybe it was a miscommunication he thought i wanted it i don’t know because i never said yes i went to “sleep” i was actually awake but was sick from being drunk. i know he is horrible deep down. he started talking to me again this year i no longer live near him but i just missed us being friends and how great our conversations were but my other friend who knows what he did tells me how i’m stupid and how i’m just dumb for talking to him. i don’t know how to stop i victim blame myself and then i don’t want to remember it so i just pretend everything is normal because i don’t really want to accept that i was raped by someone i trusted and was a good friend to me
I'm so sorry this happened to you. The feelings of guilt are normal; nothing is wrong with you.
 
thankyou guys for your responses, being able to speak about it has made me feel a lot more aware of things. i might look into therapy but i really just struggle talking to people about what’s happened to me it feels like i’m attention seeking and it just seems like it’s going to be such an awkward thing, i don’t know when i’ll be able to face my fear and see a therapist but i will one day. my friend who judged me for talking to him doesn’t even know he r*ped me just that i was SA, i feel like i just can’t trust anyone especially being a person who also was a victim of cocsa or whatever it’s called, i don’t think i’ll ever discuss that with anyone and will probably take it to my grave but i think because this has happened whilst i’m more aware it’s felt more traumatising, anyway i’ve stopped talking to him there will be a few times where i’ll respond to him i don’t want anything to do with him but i think because i live so far away i’ve created this fake version of him in my head that was the original guy i knew. whereas i know if i seen him in person again if throw up. thank you all for listening and giving me advice and comforting me. it feels nice being able to tell someone and them listening.
 
i might look into therapy but i really just struggle talking to people about what’s happened to me it feels like i’m attention seeking and it just seems like it’s going to be such an awkward thing, i don’t know when i’ll be able to face my fear and see a therapist but i will one day.

You might want to consider that hiring someone to do their job? Isn’t attention seeking. It’s hiring someone ro do their job. Whether it’s a mechanic, a tax pro, a therapist, a massage practitioner, a lawyer, a doctor, an electrician, a maid, etc. …to… fix your car, file your taxes, do therapy with you, give you a massage, advise you on the law, treat your illness, fix your wiring, clean your house, etc.

It’s not attention seeking to hire someone to perform a service.

It’s not even attention seeking to talk about that service with friends, although you certainly are under no obligation to.

It’s only attention seeking when you use hiring that person as a way to bludgeon other people with gossip or guilt trips, prattle on and on and on and on with a captive audience, or to hold someone emotionally hostage wailing on about your mechanic, accountant, therapist, doctor, lawyer, etc., with the implication that if they don’t listen/react/respond exactly when/where/how you want them to? You’ll either hurt them or someone they care about (yourself).

You see that great big huge giant gap between normal to hire someone, and even normal to talk about it… with some people, sometimes, just like any other topic of conversation under the sun… and gossip, guilt trips, captive audiences, & emotional hostage taking? Just mind the gap.

Being respectful of others?
- Doesn’t mean you never hire anyone, ever.
- Doesn’t mean you never talk about the people you’ve hired.

It just means you’re not a dick about it.


&

 
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thankyou guys for your responses, being able to speak about it has made me feel a lot more aware of things. i might look into therapy but i really just struggle talking to people about what’s happened to me it feels like i’m attention seeking and it just seems like it’s going to be such an awkward thing, i don’t know when i’ll be able to face my fear and see a therapist but i will one day. my friend who judged me for talking to him doesn’t even know he r*ped me just that i was SA, i feel like i just can’t trust anyone especially being a person who also was a victim of cocsa or whatever it’s called, i don’t think i’ll ever discuss that with anyone and will probably take it to my grave but i think because this has happened whilst i’m more aware it’s felt more traumatising, anyway i’ve stopped talking to him there will be a few times where i’ll respond to him i don’t want anything to do with him but i think because i live so far away i’ve created this fake version of him in my head that was the original guy i knew. whereas i know if i seen him in person again if throw up. thank you all for listening and giving me advice and comforting me. it feels nice being able to tell someone and them listening.
It's okay to attention seek, btw :)
 
I don't think you did anything wrong and it's normal to feel guilty as a human for situations that are out of your control. You were sick and vulnerable. And then you were in pain. It's a normal response to freeze up in a situation where you are scared or confused. I think you friend was being pretty harsh but I will say that you should NOT try to rekindle this friendship. Were you dating your friend? Did you have a sexual relationship? There's absolutely no reason he should've assumed that you trying to sleep meant you wanted to have sex. It hurts to lose a close friend or acknowledge that they've done something horrible. But I highly doubt this guy has pure intentions towards you. In his mind he's probably just hoping you'll forget that one time he traumatized you. That is not a friend you want to keep.
 
I don't think you did anything wrong and it's normal to feel guilty as a human for situations that are out of your control. You were sick and vulnerable. And then you were in pain. It's a normal response to freeze up in a situation where you are scared or confused. I think you friend was being pretty harsh but I will say that you should NOT try to rekindle this friendship. Were you dating your friend? Did you have a sexual relationship? There's absolutely no reason he should've assumed that you trying to sleep meant you wanted to have sex. It hurts to lose a close friend or acknowledge that they've done something horrible. But I highly doubt this guy has pure intentions towards you. In his mind he's probably just hoping you'll forget that one time he traumatized you. That is not a friend you want to keep.
100% agree. You will find better friends, I promise.
 
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