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- #13
This is my latest piece of poetry/prose. Writing is my therapy, so please forgive me for inflicting this on you all. Just currently going through a tough time, and heightened anxiety and lack of sleep is wearing me down.
Twenty one years ago I was happy and carefree,
But early one summer evening, that all changed.
My life was forever altered by chance,
When a former trusted friend arrived.
Completely unexpected and unannounced,
A knock on the door - a cheerful welcome.
I'd not seen him in at least three years,
I know not why he turned up when he did.
A casual, friendly talk between old friends,
But then it quickly turned far more sinister.
Suggestions became shocking demands,
I don't understand, this man I once trusted.
This is not the person I thought I knew,
I'm confused, disbelieving, I'm afraid now.
I break free of his grip and ask him to leave,
He follows me, then turns and locks the door.
I'm panicking - this can't be happening,
What did I do, what did I say? This isn't right.
I back away, but he follows menacingly,
I plead with him to leave, but he refuses.
A sense of foreboding washes over me,
What should I do - scream, run, fight, beg?
It seems I'm incapable of doing any of these things,
My frightened voice pleads - "no, no, please no".
Screaming is senseless, no near neighbours,
I can't escape, he has a strong hold of me.
I kick and resist but he is much stronger than I am,
And he manoeuvres me roughly down the hallway.
At the bedroom door I grab hold of the doorframe,
A temporary respite to try to stop his momentum.
But he is angry now, and I am so very afraid,
I have no control over this, and I am panicking.
He slams my head hard against the doorway,
To try to break my hold and to regain control.
I see stars, and my legs collapse beneath me,
He picks me up and throws me onto the bed.
I'm dazed, can't see, can't think ... Maybe he's gone?
I try to get up, but fall back down ... he's still here.
He's lying over top of me, heavy, I'm unable to move,
I'm pinned down, and I hear myself pleading .. no, no!
I struggle, fighting to free myself of him, I yell at him,
But I have no strength left, so now I lay there, beaten.
He rapes me ... and I cannot prevent a pitiful scream.
Loud to my own ears, but no one near enough to hear.
He seems infuriated as he releases one of my arms,
His hand over my mouth and nose, cutting off my breath.
I feel pain and intense fear, is this what dying feels like?
I'm suffocating, light fades, and only darkness remains.
I'm aware again now, crumpled in a corner of the room,
What am I doing here, all cold, shaking and confused?
Then I remember! Was it a nightmare or did it happen?
I feel sick, and I realise that I've vomited all over myself.
I get up and stagger to the bathroom, where I'm sick again.
My head hurts, I feel the lump behind my temple. So it's real.
My arms, legs, knees, thighs, ribs feel sore and bruised,
A brain that feels scrambled, somehow not willing to think.
How long has passed, what time is it, is he still in the house?
So many questions. I get to the front door and deadlock it.
How could this happen? I have never been a risk taker.
Always shy, overly careful, some would say, a little naive.
You hear in the news about this sort of thing happening,
But always to others, I never suspected it could be me.
I don't know what to do or where to turn, I'm alone in this.
I turn on the shower and step under, I remain there, numb.
Long after the hot water runs out and it turns an icy cold,
I get out, put on some night clothes and lay on my own bed.
No sleep, tears run down my face, an unrelenting headache,
Shock, pain - physical and emotional - seemingly unbearable.
A gap in my memory, what happened after I blacked out?
Why did he just abandon me there, broken and battered?
My trust has been broken, my self-respect is non-existent.
I blame myself, it must have been something I did, or said.
I can't tell anyone, the shame is too much for me to take,
I must keep this to myself, pretend that nothing happened.
No use reporting it to authorities, evidence is washed away.
My word against his, I can't go through this all over again.
It's morning now, a Friday. I can't go to work looking like this.
I ring work and tell them I'm sick, but will be in on Monday.
I have three days to hide the visible signs and inner turmoil.
My home is no longer a safe place, and I fear he may return.
I make my home a fortress - I don't answer door or phone.
I have no family nearby, and few friends who will miss me.
I retreat into my own tiny world, leaving home only for work,
I get to work and do what I need to, as if on remote control.
No one suspects anything is wrong, I can do this, all is okay.
But soon the daily nightmares take a toll, getting no sleep.
I have no interest in food so I forget to eat, forget to drink,
Someone at work asks if I'm okay, as I've become very thin.
This was the wakeup call I needed, drawing attention to me.
I had to start taking better care of myself, I forced myself to eat.
My fear of pregnancy fortunately proves to be unfounded.
This is a major relief, as I had avoided seeing my Doctor.
I need to escape, my home is not the safe haven it once was.
I sell my home and move, it allows brief respite from memories.
But still he is everywhere, he is the man in the car alongside,
He is the man in the supermarket, the man walking behind me.
Reminders are everywhere and escape from them is impossible.
Again I move, and still the memories and fears follow me there.
Over time everything fades just a little, I become almost normal.
But all it takes is a news story, a word or a name in conversation.
And instantly I'm back there again, via flashbacks and nightmares.
Nights where I'm afraid to close my eyes for fear of what I'll see.
Days of high anxiety and no peace within my own head, or heart.
If only I could escape this incessant roller coaster, and just live.
Twenty one years ago I was happy and carefree,
But early one summer evening, that all changed.
My life was forever altered by chance,
When a former trusted friend arrived.
Completely unexpected and unannounced,
A knock on the door - a cheerful welcome.
I'd not seen him in at least three years,
I know not why he turned up when he did.
A casual, friendly talk between old friends,
But then it quickly turned far more sinister.
Suggestions became shocking demands,
I don't understand, this man I once trusted.
This is not the person I thought I knew,
I'm confused, disbelieving, I'm afraid now.
I break free of his grip and ask him to leave,
He follows me, then turns and locks the door.
I'm panicking - this can't be happening,
What did I do, what did I say? This isn't right.
I back away, but he follows menacingly,
I plead with him to leave, but he refuses.
A sense of foreboding washes over me,
What should I do - scream, run, fight, beg?
It seems I'm incapable of doing any of these things,
My frightened voice pleads - "no, no, please no".
Screaming is senseless, no near neighbours,
I can't escape, he has a strong hold of me.
I kick and resist but he is much stronger than I am,
And he manoeuvres me roughly down the hallway.
At the bedroom door I grab hold of the doorframe,
A temporary respite to try to stop his momentum.
But he is angry now, and I am so very afraid,
I have no control over this, and I am panicking.
He slams my head hard against the doorway,
To try to break my hold and to regain control.
I see stars, and my legs collapse beneath me,
He picks me up and throws me onto the bed.
I'm dazed, can't see, can't think ... Maybe he's gone?
I try to get up, but fall back down ... he's still here.
He's lying over top of me, heavy, I'm unable to move,
I'm pinned down, and I hear myself pleading .. no, no!
I struggle, fighting to free myself of him, I yell at him,
But I have no strength left, so now I lay there, beaten.
He rapes me ... and I cannot prevent a pitiful scream.
Loud to my own ears, but no one near enough to hear.
He seems infuriated as he releases one of my arms,
His hand over my mouth and nose, cutting off my breath.
I feel pain and intense fear, is this what dying feels like?
I'm suffocating, light fades, and only darkness remains.
I'm aware again now, crumpled in a corner of the room,
What am I doing here, all cold, shaking and confused?
Then I remember! Was it a nightmare or did it happen?
I feel sick, and I realise that I've vomited all over myself.
I get up and stagger to the bathroom, where I'm sick again.
My head hurts, I feel the lump behind my temple. So it's real.
My arms, legs, knees, thighs, ribs feel sore and bruised,
A brain that feels scrambled, somehow not willing to think.
How long has passed, what time is it, is he still in the house?
So many questions. I get to the front door and deadlock it.
How could this happen? I have never been a risk taker.
Always shy, overly careful, some would say, a little naive.
You hear in the news about this sort of thing happening,
But always to others, I never suspected it could be me.
I don't know what to do or where to turn, I'm alone in this.
I turn on the shower and step under, I remain there, numb.
Long after the hot water runs out and it turns an icy cold,
I get out, put on some night clothes and lay on my own bed.
No sleep, tears run down my face, an unrelenting headache,
Shock, pain - physical and emotional - seemingly unbearable.
A gap in my memory, what happened after I blacked out?
Why did he just abandon me there, broken and battered?
My trust has been broken, my self-respect is non-existent.
I blame myself, it must have been something I did, or said.
I can't tell anyone, the shame is too much for me to take,
I must keep this to myself, pretend that nothing happened.
No use reporting it to authorities, evidence is washed away.
My word against his, I can't go through this all over again.
It's morning now, a Friday. I can't go to work looking like this.
I ring work and tell them I'm sick, but will be in on Monday.
I have three days to hide the visible signs and inner turmoil.
My home is no longer a safe place, and I fear he may return.
I make my home a fortress - I don't answer door or phone.
I have no family nearby, and few friends who will miss me.
I retreat into my own tiny world, leaving home only for work,
I get to work and do what I need to, as if on remote control.
No one suspects anything is wrong, I can do this, all is okay.
But soon the daily nightmares take a toll, getting no sleep.
I have no interest in food so I forget to eat, forget to drink,
Someone at work asks if I'm okay, as I've become very thin.
This was the wakeup call I needed, drawing attention to me.
I had to start taking better care of myself, I forced myself to eat.
My fear of pregnancy fortunately proves to be unfounded.
This is a major relief, as I had avoided seeing my Doctor.
I need to escape, my home is not the safe haven it once was.
I sell my home and move, it allows brief respite from memories.
But still he is everywhere, he is the man in the car alongside,
He is the man in the supermarket, the man walking behind me.
Reminders are everywhere and escape from them is impossible.
Again I move, and still the memories and fears follow me there.
Over time everything fades just a little, I become almost normal.
But all it takes is a news story, a word or a name in conversation.
And instantly I'm back there again, via flashbacks and nightmares.
Nights where I'm afraid to close my eyes for fear of what I'll see.
Days of high anxiety and no peace within my own head, or heart.
If only I could escape this incessant roller coaster, and just live.
