Childhood I was raped as a child and I never told anyone


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Not sure how long this'll be as this is single handedly the most traumatizing thing that's happened to me. When I was 6, I was being watched by my neighbor about a week before or during the week of Halloween. I remember this night almost perfectly. I've never been able to forget anything of what happened like with the boy I talked about in my previous post.

I don't know if he was her husband or her boyfriend or her roommate. And I probably never will. I did tell my mom about this but she's under the impression he had me sit on his lap and molested me. That is not even half what happened that night. And there's no way I hell I'm gonna be like "Hey mom was the guy who molested me with our neighbor?".

Anyways. I was watching this Disney Halloween special program they had running. Mid-movie I was hyper so I ran into his room to see what he was doing. He tickled me so I laughed and ran out and then ran back into his room. I thought we were playing. This one time I ran back into his room and was looking at his book collection. I thought it was so cool. All the books were leather-bound and old looking with metallic lettering. They were also on the wall against the side of his bed so I got up on his bed to get a better look. He moved me to sit on his lap. I could feel him against me and I got uncomfortable so I got up and went back to the living room.

He followed me into the living room and forced oral sex onto me. For years after I would think that discharge was spit and feel disgusted with myself. He then took himself out and said he was too big to fit in me vaginally and he shoved himself into my anus. I think about that sometimes. How f*cking stupid is that? Did he really think that would be better? Obviously it hurt so I screamed and got from under him. I guess I am lucky in that regard.

I went to the freezer to get an ice cube to put in my pants. It hurt so bad it felt like I'd been burned. He was trying to get me to be quiet and said I could have ice cream if I was quiet but I was crying and told him I didn't want ice cream. I then ran into my neighbors room where I slept for the night. She asked him what happened and he gave her some excuse but I refused to go back out there.

I used more clinical terms as it makes it easier to write. It's honestly crazy how badly this has warped my life. I don't exactly feel like it could've been worse as I was still molested but it doesn't even seem that extreme when I type it out.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Sending you gentle care.

I hope you have access to trauma therapy and that it will eventually help you to heal and your inner child to heal.