Childhood I was raped as a child and I never told anyone

[Bland]

Not sure how long this'll be as this is single handedly the most traumatizing thing that's happened to me. When I was 6, I was being watched by my neighbor about a week before or during the week of Halloween. I remember this night almost perfectly. I've never been able to forget anything of what happened like with the boy I talked about in my previous post.

I don't know if he was her husband or her boyfriend or her roommate. And I probably never will. I did tell my mom about this but she's under the impression he had me sit on his lap and molested me. That is not even half what happened that night. And there's no way I hell I'm gonna be like "Hey mom was the guy who molested me with our neighbor?".

Anyways. I was watching this Disney Halloween special program they had running. Mid-movie I was hyper so I ran into his room to see what he was doing. He tickled me so I laughed and ran out and then ran back into his room. I thought we were playing. This one time I ran back into his room and was looking at his book collection. I thought it was so cool. All the books were leather-bound and old looking with metallic lettering. They were also on the wall against the side of his bed so I got up on his bed to get a better look. He moved me to sit on his lap. I could feel him against me and I got uncomfortable so I got up and went back to the living room.

He followed me into the living room and forced oral sex onto me. For years after I would think that discharge was spit and feel disgusted with myself. He then took himself out and said he was too big to fit in me vaginally and he shoved himself into my anus. I think about that sometimes. How f*cking stupid is that? Did he really think that would be better? Obviously it hurt so I screamed and got from under him. I guess I am lucky in that regard.

I went to the freezer to get an ice cube to put in my pants. It hurt so bad it felt like I'd been burned. He was trying to get me to be quiet and said I could have ice cream if I was quiet but I was crying and told him I didn't want ice cream. I then ran into my neighbors room where I slept for the night. She asked him what happened and he gave her some excuse but I refused to go back out there.

I used more clinical terms as it makes it easier to write. It's honestly crazy how badly this has warped my life. I don't exactly feel like it could've been worse as I was still molested but it doesn't even seem that extreme when I type it out.

 

[Ecdysis]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Sending you gentle care.

I hope you have access to trauma therapy and that it will eventually help you to heal and your inner child to heal.

 

[Annonymous]

Not sure how long this'll be as this is single handedly the most traumatizing thing that's happened to me. When I was 6, I was being watched by my neighbor about a week before or during the week of Halloween. I remember this night almost perfectly. I've never been able to forget anything of what happened like with the boy I talked about in my previous post.

I don't know if he was her husband or her boyfriend or her roommate. And I probably never will. I did tell my mom about this but she's under the impression he had me sit on his lap and molested me. That is not even half what happened that night. And there's no way I hell I'm gonna be like "Hey mom was the guy who molested me with our neighbor?".

Anyways. I was watching this Disney Halloween special program they had running. Mid-movie I was hyper so I ran into his room to see what he was doing. He tickled me so I laughed and ran out and then ran back into his room. I thought we were playing. This one time I ran back into his room and was looking at his book collection. I thought it was so cool. All the books were leather-bound and old looking with metallic lettering. They were also on the wall against the side of his bed so I got up on his bed to get a better look. He moved me to sit on his lap. I could feel him against me and I got uncomfortable so I got up and went back to the living room.

He followed me into the living room and forced oral sex onto me. For years after I would think that discharge was spit and feel disgusted with myself. He then took himself out and said he was too big to fit in me vaginally and he shoved himself into my anus. I think about that sometimes. How f*cking stupid is that? Did he really think that would be better? Obviously it hurt so I screamed and got from under him. I guess I am lucky in that regard.

I went to the freezer to get an ice cube to put in my pants. It hurt so bad it felt like I'd been burned. He was trying to get me to be quiet and said I could have ice cream if I was quiet but I was crying and told him I didn't want ice cream. I then ran into my neighbors room where I slept for the night. She asked him what happened and he gave her some excuse but I refused to go back out there.

I used more clinical terms as it makes it easier to write. It's honestly crazy how badly this has warped my life. I don't exactly feel like it could've been worse as I was still molested but it doesn't even seem that extreme when I type it out.

I was abused at a young age also, haven’t seen anyone’s post similar to my experience.

 

[Muttly]

I am so sorry you went through that. It's so confusing when things happen to us as a child. It changes our perceptions on so many things.

 

[Stingray]

Not sure how long this'll be as this is single handedly the most traumatizing thing that's happened to me. When I was 6, I was being watched by my neighbor about a week before or during the week of Halloween. I remember this night almost perfectly. I've never been able to forget anything of what happened like with the boy I talked about in my previous post.

I don't know if he was her husband or her boyfriend or her roommate. And I probably never will. I did tell my mom about this but she's under the impression he had me sit on his lap and molested me. That is not even half what happened that night. And there's no way I hell I'm gonna be like "Hey mom was the guy who molested me with our neighbor?".

Anyways. I was watching this Disney Halloween special program they had running. Mid-movie I was hyper so I ran into his room to see what he was doing. He tickled me so I laughed and ran out and then ran back into his room. I thought we were playing. This one time I ran back into his room and was looking at his book collection. I thought it was so cool. All the books were leather-bound and old looking with metallic lettering. They were also on the wall against the side of his bed so I got up on his bed to get a better look. He moved me to sit on his lap. I could feel him against me and I got uncomfortable so I got up and went back to the living room.

He followed me into the living room and forced oral sex onto me. For years after I would think that discharge was spit and feel disgusted with myself. He then took himself out and said he was too big to fit in me vaginally and he shoved himself into my anus. I think about that sometimes. How f*cking stupid is that? Did he really think that would be better? Obviously it hurt so I screamed and got from under him. I guess I am lucky in that regard.

I went to the freezer to get an ice cube to put in my pants. It hurt so bad it felt like I'd been burned. He was trying to get me to be quiet and said I could have ice cream if I was quiet but I was crying and told him I didn't want ice cream. I then ran into my neighbors room where I slept for the night. She asked him what happened and he gave her some excuse but I refused to go back out there.

I used more clinical terms as it makes it easier to write. It's honestly crazy how badly this has warped my life. I don't exactly feel like it could've been worse as I was still molested but it doesn't even seem that extreme when I type it out.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I sincerely want everything to be good for you and to feel better. I also experienced sexual abuse at the age of 5, a man forced me to perform oral sex. The worst part was that he was my mother's lover, whom both my mother and I trusted. At such a young age, I did not understand that this was sexual violence, since the rapist turned all his actions into a game. My mom was sleeping practically next to me, he lured me out of the bed where I slept with my mother. I remember everything in detail, I'm 31 years old now. If I had realized what was happening then, I would have screamed and my mother would have woken up.It's horrible. It was the only time. The most terrible thing is that this man stayed with us for some time, and I didn't tell my mother anything. This man later disappeared from my life. And when, as a teenager, I realized what really happened, I had a shock. Even worse, when I was a teenager, I met this man by chance on the street, I was scared and sick, because he treated me warmly all the time he spent with us, and immediately I remembered what he did to me. It's a terrible and tearing feeling when you don't know whether to forgive or hate. After realizing everything that had happened to me, I could no longer trust men, not one, not a friend, not a brother, not an uncle, not my beloved. I already knew from my own experience that close people are capable of anything. My mother still doesn't know about it, she's 68 now, my confession would kill her. I told my cousin about this situation when we were teenagers, but she didn't understand me, she understood that it was terrible and that was it. There was no one around who could talk to me about it. I was saved by internal dialogues, I overcame myself, convinced myself that not all men are dangerous, I tried to build trusting relationships with male colleagues and friends, got to know them more, tried to understand their feelings in order to simultaneously create a safe external and internal environment for myself and make sure that not all men are capable of such things vile deeds.

 

[OM_™]

Bland, I understand your silence. I was sexually abused as a young boy of 11 or 12 and only realised when I was about sixty that at least on one occasion I was actually a victim of an attempted rape. I was groomed from about six years of age and the progression from grooming to being actively sexual seemed like a natural progression in spite of its insidious nature. Rather than admit to what had happened I had been having extremely dark episodes of self-loathing and suicidal ideation from age 12-13. Not telling anyone was the easiest thing to do and I understand the sound of silence as a powerful force that you intuitively use as a form of protection from any further humiliation. After the perpetrator had died and I was 26yo, I remember telling my mother and father. My father displayed a look of anguish and remained silent (he was usually physically violent) but my mother told me that the sexual abuse happened because I was f*ckin' stupid. I can't express in words how much this hurt and it made me understand my silence from age 11 to 26.

 

[Rose White]

@Stingray you are a very courageous person to fight for and work hard at the ability to trust men again. Quite inspiring really!

@OM_™ its so hard when you don’t realize until much later in life that your sexual development was based on manipulation and abuse.

 

[OM_™]

@Stingray you are a very courageous person to fight for and work hard at the ability to trust men again. Quite inspiring really!

@OM_™ its so hard when you don’t realize until much later in life that your sexual development was based on manipulation and abuse.

Thanks for the reply to my post about Bland’s silence. My Duloxetine was wearing out and I’m feeling dark again, it’s 2pm and I haven’t started my work today. I needed to read your post again to make me feel someone understands; someone cares. My wife’s at work, my son has PTSD himself; I’m feeling so alone with my wretched C-PTSD and MDD. Coming back to this site makes me realise that I am not on my own.

 

[Bland]

Bland, I understand your silence. I was sexually abused as a young boy of 11 or 12 and only realised when I was about sixty that at least on one occasion I was actually a victim of an attempted rape. I was groomed from about six years of age and the progression from grooming to being actively sexual seemed like a natural progression in spite of its insidious nature. Rather than admit to what had happened I had been having extremely dark episodes of self-loathing and suicidal ideation from age 12-13. Not telling anyone was the easiest thing to do and I understand the sound of silence as a powerful force that you intuitively use as a form of protection from any further humiliation. After the perpetrator had died and I was 26yo, I remember telling my mother and father. My father displayed a look of anguish and remained silent (he was usually physically violent) but my mother told me that the sexual abuse happened because I was f*ckin' stupid. I can't express in words how much this hurt and it made me understand my silence from age 11 to 26.

I'll be honest, I haven't looked at this post since I made it as it was too painful. During the time I wrote it I was having a lot of repressed details come up. Even now I started thinking about it because I focused on a detail like "what was he watching on tv? football or soccer?"

What really made me recheck was that I remembered something just now. How nice he was to me. He always had candy to give me when I saw him. I now realize he was probably grooming me and it wasn't a spur of the moment thing.

I don't know if you can relate to this in anyway and I'm not sure if this was something that was ever stressed to you as a child especially considering you grew up in different times but my mom, who was stern, would always say to me "if someone ever hurt you, you would tell me right?" and I would say yes even though it didn't feel like a question and more of an instruction.

I don't blame my mom truly but I do wish that she had taken the time to explain sexual abuse to me. I remember bathing with a wash rag over my private parts when my dad bathed me and she told me that they needed to be covered around him. But there had never really been a "no one should ever touch you here or make you touch them here or here"

And I'll be honest I was scared into silence a bit as I felt ashamed because I had promised not to tell anyone about it. I knew what happened wasn't right but that was the nail in the coffin on my silence.

I'm really sorry that happened to you and I'm not just saying that because I realize now how easy it is to fall into that especially if there's no one there to save you from something you don't even really know is happening.

For years, it would roll around in my gut and make me feel hot with shame out of nowhere. I remember sitting on the bus in 3rd grade thinking I could tell the bus attendant right now, I could tell anyone. It would make my heart race.

In 6th grade a woman came to my class to basically give a speech about safe touch bad touch and to tell someone and that white hot feeling like when you're in shit deep trouble came racing back. I would think again that I could tell right now if i wanted to. Everytime I thought, what would be the point? It was all the time ago and its not happening anymore.

I will be honest about this too, my mother had a bad reaction when she found out. She was so mad, not really at me I know but it sure felt like it. She was really mad at herself and mad at the man who did it and probably blamed herself. She was extremely short with me and snipped at me for pronouncing my neighbors name wrong like the last time I'd seen her I wasn't sleeping in her bed after I was molested.

I can't say this is the case for your mother maybe she truly believed that a child should've seen though manipulation (which isn't really possible for children anyways) or maybe she was taking her shame out on you.

 

[Bland]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I sincerely want everything to be good for you and to feel better. I also experienced sexual abuse at the age of 5, a man forced me to perform oral sex. The worst part was that he was my mother's lover, whom both my mother and I trusted. At such a young age, I did not understand that this was sexual violence, since the rapist turned all his actions into a game. My mom was sleeping practically next to me, he lured me out of the bed where I slept with my mother. I remember everything in detail, I'm 31 years old now. If I had realized what was happening then, I would have screamed and my mother would have woken up.It's horrible. It was the only time. The most terrible thing is that this man stayed with us for some time, and I didn't tell my mother anything. This man later disappeared from my life. And when, as a teenager, I realized what really happened, I had a shock. Even worse, when I was a teenager, I met this man by chance on the street, I was scared and sick, because he treated me warmly all the time he spent with us, and immediately I remembered what he did to me. It's a terrible and tearing feeling when you don't know whether to forgive or hate. After realizing everything that had happened to me, I could no longer trust men, not one, not a friend, not a brother, not an uncle, not my beloved. I already knew from my own experience that close people are capable of anything. My mother still doesn't know about it, she's 68 now, my confession would kill her. I told my cousin about this situation when we were teenagers, but she didn't understand me, she understood that it was terrible and that was it. There was no one around who could talk to me about it. I was saved by internal dialogues, I overcame myself, convinced myself that not all men are dangerous, I tried to build trusting relationships with male colleagues and friends, got to know them more, tried to understand their feelings in order to simultaneously create a safe external and internal environment for myself and make sure that not all men are capable of such things vile deeds.

I have trouble trusting men, not my family members thankfully but I can't trust regular men.

Actually when I was around 9, my uncle had me sort of sit on his thigh with his arm around me, the worst part was that it was totally innocent. I wanted so badly to tell him no because I couldn't handle that. But I didn't want to be the one to break his heart by telling him that someone had hurt me. I was so tense and I couldn't relax. But it was so nice and so sweet. He just wanted to cuddle me and watch tv. I felt truly loved. It was so warm and it hurts so badly in my heart to know that I'll never have that again.

I'm too old to be cuddled by a man without it being sexual. But when I was 6 it was made sexual as well. I fell like being comfortable around men was robbed from me