Never told anyone

jch

Confident
Medication and therapy might help. I understand that feeling.
I'm sure it would. I'm poor with no insurance, and just the thought makes me freak out. I live in a small rural town. Things get around fast whether it's true or not.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sure it would. I'm poor with no insurance, and just the thought makes me freak out. I live in a small rural town. Things get around fast whether it's true or not.
ah that's tough. I get it. I still think it would be worthwhile talking to a doctor if you can. They might be able to help. Forget about what other people may say or think about you when you need help and support. You need to focus on healing.
 

jch

Confident
ah that's tough. I get it. I still think it would be worthwhile talking to a doctor if you can. They might be able to help. Forget about what other people may say or think about you when you need help and support. You need to focus on healing.
Yeah I guess
 

Friday

Moderator
The first time I was suicidal every day, I acted on it. It didn’t occur to me not to. There are only 2 reasons I’m still alive today...

First I had/have a really strong belief about being useful. If I’m going to die? It had sure as hell better be doing something useful. That led me to taking jobs in some of the most dangerous parts of the world, and then taking assignments no one else wanted. I ALSO have a really strong belief about not taking others with me / I would prefer to die in someone else’s place... not get a bunch of other people killed fulfilling my own death wish... which means unlike a lot of suicidal motherf*ckers? I had a lot of work / people who would elect to work with me. Because being suicidal is a bit like being a drunk driver; most people who are suicidal just end up getting other people killed, and walk away themselves without a scratch. That’s not the way my mind/heart works. I’ve got a bit of a ‘starfish’ complex. ((The whole child walking on the beach after a storm throwing starfish back into the sea. When asked why they were doing that, there was no way they could save all of them? The child just shrugged and said “But I saved that one.”))

So my Rules around suicide started early. It had to be doing something useful (& by strong preference it needed to be in someone else’s place), & I wasn’t allowed to get other people killed in the process. I also wasn’t allowed to “cheat” and just stand up during a firefight (although I did that a few times, there was point to it; namely drawing fire when ammo was low and providing covering fire wasn’t a possibility... or being the dumb f*ck to start the leapfrog from point A to B to to flank their position instead of being pinned down or (it appears to be raining tacos! From outta the sky!)out of position. Someone has to start that process, or you’re all dead, but the person who starts it? Usually gains a lot of extra holes, but buys time for the others to move. No. Idea. Why. I walked away from those stunts without a scratch. Except that wanting to die seems to make one temporarilly immortal. Which leads me to my second point.

The second reason I’m still alive today? Pure. Dumb. Luck. Not skill, just luck. Fortune favors the bold, for true. And hesitation kills.

Eventually... and we’re talking years... I stopped wanting to die, stopped waking up disappointed I was still alive (in my own bed, in hospital, on the beach, wherever)... and just stopped caring whether I lived or died. And then one day I woke up and decided I wanted to live. (Nearly didn’t make it to sunset. I swear, if being suicidal confers immortality? Wanting to live can make a feather capable of crushing your skull. Snort. Still, made it out. Barely.)

***
The next time I was suicidal every day was when I was pregnant... and that was both wacky as hell & useful as f*ck... becuase it was entirely hormonal. The technical name for it -come to find- is antepartum depression / antepartum psychosis (like postpartum depression / postpartum psychosis, but whilst pregnant instead of after being pregnant). It runs really strongly in my family / all the women get “the suicide hours” during their pregnancies. So I just did what the women in my family have done for generations... I held onto a chair and screamed for a few hours every day, until it got worse, and then I chained myself to a radiator. My OB was a bit horrified after my son was born & she found out (we have MEDS for that, now!) but just like it didn’t occur to me that I didn’t have to act, the first time I was suicidal? It didn’t occur to me to tell her that something was “wrong”. Becuase it wasn’t “wrong”. All the women in my family have their stories of the suicide hours. Some, like me, chain themselves up. Others lock themselves in (to a car, a closet, a crate).

It comes on, hits hard, and then is gone. All within a couple/few hours. Day after day after day. It led me to thinking about being suicidal in a completely different way, than the first time, because it wasn’t constant. And it could be planned for / planned around. I did NOT have to act on what I felt. How freaking mind blowing is that?

***
This last time I’ve suicidal started in 2011/2014. And it’s still ongoing. Sometimes it’s all day, every day. More often it’s in flashes. Sometimes it’s in between and lasts for some random period of time, to return again later. Shrug. It’s just something I’ve come to accept as being part of my being symptomatic.

The fact that I’ve become almost completely non-plussed by it? Is actually a bad sign, for my overall survival. People in pain during suicidal episodes are still fighting to live. It’s brutal, to be sure, but it also ups their chances. People like me, who just accept it, are closer to the edge / more likely to act on impulse. One of those things that, like burns, it’s better to feel pain than to feel nothing.

I’ve still got my Rules, though. They’ve advanced quite a bit since the beginning.

- In addition to needing to make my death matter, I took the lessons I learned during my lucky years, and my hormonal months, and rolled them into one great big fat delaying tactic. Just to buy myself time. Because the BEST parts of my life? Came AFTER I stopped being suicidal, and in ways I never could have imagined before or during those times. Completely unexpected surprises, rather than fulfilled hopes & dreams. That doesn’t mean that I expect that the best times in my life will follow these years of being suicidal day in and day out. But I’m allowing for the possibility that there is more to life than I know. That who I am today is not who I will be tomorrow. Whether it happens or not, is of no consequence. Because if it’s actually worth dying for today? It will still be worth it tomorrow.

- In addition to a delay-tactic, there’s also this understanding: If my death hurts? Die better. But if my life hurts? Live better. ...My life is f*cked completely sideways, atm. Which means what I need to fix is my life, not my death.
 

jch

Confident
The first time I was suicidal every day, I acted on it. It didn’t occur to me not to. There are only 2 reasons I’m still alive today...

First I had/have a really strong belief about being useful. If I’m going to die? It had sure as hell better be doing something useful. That led me to taking jobs in some of the most dangerous parts of the world, and then taking assignments no one else wanted. I ALSO have a really strong belief about not taking others with me / I would prefer to die in someone else’s place... not get a bunch of other people killed fulfilling my own death wish... which means unlike a lot of suicidal motherf*ckers? I had a lot of work / people who would elect to work with me. Because being suicidal is a bit like being a drunk driver; most people who are suicidal just end up getting other people killed, and walk away themselves without a scratch. That’s not the way my mind/heart works. I’ve got a bit of a ‘starfish’ complex. ((The whole child walking on the beach after a storm throwing starfish back into the sea. When asked why they were doing that, there was no way they could save all of them? The child just shrugged and said “But I saved that one.”))

So my Rules around suicide started early. It had to be doing something useful (& by strong preference it needed to be in someone else’s place), & I wasn’t allowed to get other people killed in the process. I also wasn’t allowed to “cheat” and just stand up during a firefight (although I did that a few times, there was point to it; namely drawing fire when ammo was low and providing covering fire wasn’t a possibility... or being the dumb f*ck to start the leapfrog from point A to B to to flank their position instead of being pinned down or (it appears to be raining tacos! From outta the sky!)out of position. Someone has to start that process, or you’re all dead, but the person who starts it? Usually gains a lot of extra holes, but buys time for the others to move. No. Idea. Why. I walked away from those stunts without a scratch. Except that wanting to die seems to make one temporarilly immortal. Which leads me to my second point.

The second reason I’m still alive today? Pure. Dumb. Luck. Not skill, just luck. Fortune favors the bold, for true. And hesitation kills.

Eventually... and we’re talking years... I stopped wanting to die, stopped waking up disappointed I was still alive (in my own bed, in hospital, on the beach, wherever)... and just stopped caring whether I lived or died. And then one day I woke up and decided I wanted to live. (Nearly didn’t make it to sunset. I swear, if being suicidal confers immortality? Wanting to live can make a feather capable of crushing your skull. Snort. Still, made it out. Barely.)

***
The next time I was suicidal every day was when I was pregnant... and that was both wacky as hell & useful as f*ck... becuase it was entirely hormonal. The technical name for it -come to find- is antepartum depression / antepartum psychosis (like postpartum depression / postpartum psychosis, but whilst pregnant instead of after being pregnant). It runs really strongly in my family / all the women get “the suicide hours” during their pregnancies. So I just did what the women in my family have done for generations... I held onto a chair and screamed for a few hours every day, until it got worse, and then I chained myself to a radiator. My OB was a bit horrified after my son was born & she found out (we have MEDS for that, now!) but just like it didn’t occur to me that I didn’t have to act, the first time I was suicidal? It didn’t occur to me to tell her that something was “wrong”. Becuase it wasn’t “wrong”. All the women in my family have their stories of the suicide hours. Some, like me, chain themselves up. Others lock themselves in (to a car, a closet, a crate).

It comes on, hits hard, and then is gone. All within a couple/few hours. Day after day after day. It led me to thinking about being suicidal in a completely different way, than the first time, because it wasn’t constant. And it could be planned for / planned around. I did NOT have to act on what I felt. How freaking mind blowing is that?

***
This last time I’ve suicidal started in 2011/2014. And it’s still ongoing. Sometimes it’s all day, every day. More often it’s in flashes. Sometimes it’s in between and lasts for some random period of time, to return again later. Shrug. It’s just something I’ve come to accept as being part of my being symptomatic.

The fact that I’ve become almost completely non-plussed by it? Is actually a bad sign, for my overall survival. People in pain during suicidal episodes are still fighting to live. It’s brutal, to be sure, but it also ups their chances. People like me, who just accept it, are closer to the edge / more likely to act on impulse. One of those things that, like burns, it’s better to feel pain than to feel nothing.

I’ve still got my Rules, though. They’ve advanced quite a bit since the beginning.

- In addition to needing to make my death matter, I took the lessons I learned during my lucky years, and my hormonal months, and rolled them into one great big fat delaying tactic. Just to buy myself time. Because the BEST parts of my life? Came AFTER I stopped being suicidal, and in ways I never could have imagined before or during those times. Completely unexpected surprises, rather than fulfilled hopes & dreams. That doesn’t mean that I expect that the best times in my life will follow these years of being suicidal day in and day out. But I’m allowing for the possibility that there is more to life than I know. That who I am today is not who I will be tomorrow. Whether it happens or not, is of no consequence. Because if it’s actually worth dying for today? It will still be worth it tomorrow.

- In addition to a delay-tactic, there’s also this understanding: If my death hurts? Die better. But if my life hurts? Live better. ...My life is f*cked completely sideways, atm. Which means what I need to fix is my life, not my death.
Being 39 now, I really have a hard time believing it can be better. I've been so scared to do anything at all in my life. I've been in one relationship ever. When I was 16. It only lasted a few days before getting dumped. I know. I was too scared to even hold her hand. Fear just rules my life. That and the really evil side of my brain that makes me hate myself. I don't even know what I'm saying now. I a little worked up, and can't think straight.
 
I've never told anyone that the last 25 or so years, I've thought about suicide everyday.

Your not alone, I have been labelled a chronic suicide risk because I have thought about suicide all the time. But I don't act on the thoughts. However I have at times actively tried, such that i have come close to succeeding several times, and I have been hospitalized over 50 times for suicidal ideation and/or self-harm. I was hospitalized twice last year, and this year waiting on sheppard pratt trauma disorders unit. The upside is i used to feel hopeless, at some point with my current therapist, i started seeing some hope on the horizon. Things can change for the better, if you are ready, and you give it time. Have you tried rescripting those suicidal thoughts?.
 

jch

Confident
Your not alone, I have been labelled a chronic suicide risk because I have thought about suicide all the time. But I don't act on the thoughts. However I have at times actively tried, such that i have come close to succeeding several times, and I have been hospitalized over 50 times for suicidal ideation and/or self-harm. I was hospitalized twice last year, and this year waiting on sheppard pratt trauma disorders unit. The upside is i used to feel hopeless, at some point with my current therapist, i started seeing some hope on the horizon. Things can change for the better, if you are ready, and you give it time. Have you tried rescripting those suicidal thoughts?.
Not sure what you mean by rescripting. Sometimes it's something I think about, but its always a constant narrative over everything I say and do. I don't know how you change something you can't control. Like if I'm walking to work and I'm waiting to cross the road, as I look both ways ( when I bother) out of nowhere as car is coming my brain says "Take a step out. Life is a horror show take the step!". It's just stuff like that most of the time, but yeah it's way worse when I'm dwelling on life. That leads to a hard spiral.
 
Not sure what you mean by rescripting. Sometimes it's something I think about, but its always a constant narrative over everything I say and do. I don't know how you change something you can't control. Like if I'm walking to work and I'm waiting to cross the road, as I look both ways ( when I bother) out of nowhere as car is coming my brain says "Take a step out. Life is a horror show take the step!". It's just stuff like that most of the time, but yeah it's way worse when I'm dwelling on life. That leads to a hard spiral.
Rescripting is mentally changing the narrative that proceeds your distress (in your case thinking about suicide.) so the narrative of your distress is changed to something positive.

example: "I am hopeless" to "it's temporary, i'm trying, things are bad but they can change". then think how you change things.

in a way "but I don't act on those thoughts" is sort of rescripting of "I have thought about suicide all the time".

I am not good at constructing explanations, others on the forum can probably provide a better example and description. Also there is probably stuff on this topic on the web.
 

jch

Confident
Rescripting is mentally changing the narrative that proceeds your distress (in your case thinking about suicide.) so the narrative of your distress is changed to something positive.

example: "I am hopeless" to "it's temporary, i'm trying, things are bad but they can change". then think how you change things.

in a way "but I don't act on those thoughts" is sort of rescripting of "I have thought about suicide all the time".

I am not good at constructing explanations, others on the forum can probably provide a better example and description. Also there is probably stuff on this topic on the web.
I get it. Thank you. I need to do some reading it looks like.
 

Friday

Moderator
. I don't know how you change something you can't control.
ADHD trick... You can’t control the first thought; but you CAN control the second.

CBT works on that same principle, except that over time the first thought? Actually does change for most people. (ADHD people are always going to have seeeeeeriously wacky first thoughts, from all kinds of out of the blue places, but the ability to change the second thought is still wildly inspiring. So even for people with mad impulse control issues it’s a useful skill set to take on. For more neurotypical people, though? Deliberately directing their thoughts skips that wacky first thought, over time. Which is super badass.)

It’s also something one can do/work on on their own. Even if in therapy? You’re the one in your own head, so the ability to recognise your thoughts, isn’t something a therapist has access to. Meaning it’s one of those 10% in therapy 90% on your own things, anyway. Don’t get me wrong, an impartial observer can help tremendously; but they’re also not strictly necessary, either. Like a personal trainer at a gym. (Whilst there are other things that therapists are as necessary as coaches for pro athletes / the better you are, the more one needs exquisitely capable aid in getting even better.) But reframing negative thoughts? Are one of those ground-level, getting your feet wet, let’s see how far we can take this... couch to 5k kinds of things.


 
Last edited:

jch

Confident
ADHD trick... You can’t control the first thought; but you CAN control the second.

CBT works on that same principle, except that over time the first thought? Actually does change for most people. (ADHD people are always going to have seeeeeeriously wacky first thoughts, from all kinds of out of the blue places, but the ability to change the second thought is still wildly inspiring. So even for people with mad impulse control issues it’s a useful skill set to take on. For more neurotypical people, though? Deliberately directing their thoughts skips that wacky first thought, over time. Which is super badass.)

It’s also something one can do/work on on their own. Even if in therapy? You’re the one in your own head, so the ability to recognise your thoughts, isn’t something a therapist has access to. Meaning it’s one of those 10% in therapy 90% on your own things, anyway. Don’t get me wrong, an impartial observer can help tremendously; but they’re also not strictly necessary, either. Like a personal trainer at a gym. (Whilst there are other things that therapists are as necessary as coaches for pro athletes / the better you are, the more one needs exquisitely capable aid in getting even better.) But reframing negative thoughts? Are one of those ground-level, getting your feet wet, let’s see how far we can take this... couch to 5k kinds of things.

Well, if works for others, I can give it a try. Thanks.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Im glad you are going to give it a try. Some people give it to God and that's wonderful. Some need to turn their thoughts over to professionals. Forget about those people who talk....if they were worthwhile, they would have something better to do. I have had these thoughts too and it can change, I promise. What do you have to loose? I have been hospitalized and its wasn't all comfortable for me....but I sure did appreciate being home afterwards. There are people that can help. I hope you let them. You are worth it.
 
Top