How To Be Vulnerable In Therapy And What To Say If I Don't Remember The Traumatic Event?

[Leisel]

So I go to therapy every week and we talk about anxiety and different situations in my current life but never about the trauma. The whole reason I started going to therapy again is because of ptsd but I haven't been able to talk about it almost at all with my therapist. Even if I could, I wouldn't know what to say. It seems pointless to tell her about the nightmares and too personal to tell her about the flashbacks (they're not visual, just somatic - I have no visual memory of the event) and since I don't remember I can't tell her about the actual event which is what it seems like I am "supposed" to do in therapy.

There is someone in my life who I trust and can talk to about everything but she also says that therapy is important and that I need it in order to heal, and today we were talking and she said it's like my experiences aren't scars but open wounds that have yet to heal, and I would love to heal them and stop being so affected (it's really impacting my life and decisions and i am in this cycle of isolation and self sabatauge that I recognize but seems impossible to break. I'm afraid to see a doctor even though I have been sick for months bc the last time I saw a doctor I had a flashback. I don't know where to sleep because I can't afford my own place but don't trust other people enough to live with them. There's this organization for homeless youth that I could work with but sometimes when I go there I have flashbacks so I don't go anymore.) but if therapy is the way to go then I don't know what to do.

Like, what would I even talk about in therapy? How can I trust my therapist? And if it does come down to it, like if it comes down to talking about my nightmares or flashbacks or whatever else, how can I even do that? I can't even say "trauma" or "abuse" out loud let alone explain in detail how I feel or what happens in my nightmares and flashbacks.

 

[Enaila]

You are a good writer. Perhaps show what you shared in this thread to her as a starting point?

My therapist worked with current issues and teaching me grounding techniques for flashbacks as well as strategies to handle anxiety such as journaling. This laid some ground work for the tougher work of working through the traumas.

Each person works through issues at a different pace. I hope you are able to trust your therapist and let her guide you through the process. Give yourself some time.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Trust comes with time.

Ok, I may not be the best one to answer this as it took me going to therapy every week for a year to tell my therapist why I was really there and then got help from a celebrity Dr on how to tell him but this basically how i did it when I did.

I have never looked at my therapist. He knew that i had a history of sexual abuse, though i never admitted to it, due to my behavior. But i completely looked away from him, told him something more, a lot more, happened in my past then he knew and then just quickly, like ripping a bandaid off, and (as fast as i could) "i grew up in a cult" and then wouldnt say any more. Just that. He said "ok, you let it out" and then each week i told him one thing about it. Just one.

Eventually i was telling him more and it got easier. Thats trust building right there and today i fully 100% trust my therapist. We have a 2 way almost friendship-like relationship that i wouldnt trade for the world.

My past is extensive so it took a long while to tell him it all. A few years. But thats how i started. Trust building to this point took about 4 to 5 years but had a good working trust after the first year when i trusted him enough to tell him.

Trust is VERY hard for me so it likely took me longer than most.

But trust can be built before you tell them and it should be. You are "pulling off the bandaid" and trusting they will catch you, if that makes sense.

ETA: Oh, I forgot to say that after i told him the first thing, a lot of the early information i had to write down to read and we were passing notes all session until i trusted him enough. So all i said outloud at first was that i had grown up in a cult.

 

[Suzetig]

Does she know you're there for PTSD? That would be a good starting place, then as you're able its fine to talk about flashbacks and symptoms without talking about or remembering the original trauma. A good T can generally help you manage and cope with your symptoms without necessarily talking about the trauma.

Getting the symptoms under control may then free up the psychological and emotional resources to process your thoughts and feelings about your trauma.

Talking about PTSD and talking about the trauma are different things, both can be done in your own time and in your own way. Do tell her you have PTSD though because she'll understand your anxiety differently than if you had an anxiety disorder.