How To "be With" A Person?

[DogwoodTree]

I'm always "doing" in relationships...times with other people. Even if we're just sitting there, somehow I'm performing--reading them, trying to figure out what they want, trying to say the right things and think in ways that make them comfortable with me. I grew up doing that with everyone around me, because no one could handle having *me* in the relationship...only themselves and the box they created for me.

Additionally, interaction with people has never been natural and comfortable for me anyway, even beyond the crazy-dysfunctional family I grew up in. I'm always studying people to figure out what's expected of me, what rules to follow, how to try and fit in. I have to fake chuckles to blend into the group, and willfully force myself to touch other people or make eye contact at the right times and in the right ways, and I study their reactions to see how "right" I got it. To sit and have a natural, relaxed conversation...that just doesn't happen for me, or if it does, I feel like I've just faked it well or I've unfairly dumped on the other person, and I walk away feeling like I've been selfish or told them more than what's safe to share.

Even with all the effort I've put into finding safer relationships the past couple of years, I still only either "do" or "become invisible". As I've tried to bring more of my authentic self to the surface, that inner self has been so screwed up that no one can handle the real me. It's not fair to put that burden on people. No one wants to be around a depressed weirdo, and certainly no one wants to hear about the things that contaminate my thoughts.

So anyway, now I have absolutely no clue what it's like to just sit and be in someone's presence...be myself...much less to enjoy that. I really, truly have no one in my entire life (I'm 41) that I've ever let down my guard and just existed with them instead of trying to meet their expectations or accomplish very specific goals. If there's not interaction and the efforts to perform for them, then I don't know what my purpose is in the relationship. And if I'm not making them comfortable with me, then I feel like I've overstepped my boundaries for existence and committed an unforgivable sin...become worthy only of rejection.

What does it look like for you to be with someone? How does it feel? What is the experience like for you on the inside?

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Asking myself many of the thoughts you raise here. Not good at communication right now. Thank you for your openness, appreciated, not alone.

 

[iwannadeletethis]

@DogwoodTree thats exactly my story(with the exception of the age difference)! I feel that any lingering victim mentality leads me to be in relationships with people who want to fix me or narcissists. Then when they've pushed me far enough to where I don't care (or they've heard enough about my past to not know what to do with me) I gain myself back and they can't handle it. They're scared of what I've been through. I've lost everyone in my life too. I would love to talk you about this anytime!! Feel free to message me!!

 

[Kailani]

I hear you. What surprised me in relationships is people like you way more when you are just yourself. I had always tried be who i thought they wanted me to be then i figured that out. Drastic change for the better. I have to say though even though I have had wonderful relationships, when the PTSD got bad and moved in instead of visiting I couldn't handle the relationships and pushed them away cuz too much going on. It's always good to have a few friends so that not only one gets all the stress in your life; one job, one relationship, one housing, one health or just make sure if you tell them lots to also bring lots of joy and happiness to their plate; not all meat, salad and potatoes too. People are out there who want to know what's going on with you and be there. Sometimes I just try to fix myself; depression, life goals before I get involved so I feel good enough in my own skin before involving anyone else. I just wish the horrible things wouldn't happen and traumatize and activate the ptsd so I could stay in relationships. You are not alone. Hope you found something helpful in this. Hope your dreams come true!!

 

[firebloodteeth]

Thank you for sharing your story. I feel exactly the same way, although I have not be able to word it as well. I just considered myself a "giver" who could be taken advantage of by the wrong people. It took me a while to realize it has to do with my childhood and how I was raised. Once I realized (through self-reflection, growing up, and therapy) that my parent was abusive, it helped me stop some of the behaviors and have a better perspective of myself and my actions. I know WHY I feel like just myself is not enough. I know WHY I feel like I must compensate for simply being myself- because growing up, that wasn't good enough. That was wrong or bad, and it was punished. I think it might help you to reflect on your childhood, possibly with a great therapist, and figure out why you are the way you are in relationships.

It's also important for me to constantly monitor myself and what I give of myself, now that I am in a relationship for the first time in years. Is my partner taking advantage of my generosity in this specific situation? Did I cave in too easily for something I didn't really want to do? Should I try harder to ask for something that I want? Boundaries are important. Set a clear line of what you are ok with giving, and that you are getting back equally in return. And stick to those lines. We will mess up now and then, and that is ok. A relationship is a work in progress. Good luck.