How To Cultivate A Friends With Benefits

[maryiscontrary]

I am dating, and I live in a oil patch (oil industry), so thankfully there's lots to choose from. I have been severely traumatized by romantic relationships in the past. It appears like there are a lot of dysfunctional men. Whether its something like issues with anger, taking responsibility of an adult, or habits like alcoholism, or just flat out neglecting themselves physically, it really seems like there are a lot of train wrecks.


So really, I don't think I want a full on relationship, as I am very happy with myself, and I don't want to be torn down by dysfunction. I worked so hard to get here, and I don't want to relapse.

However, I have an extremely high sex drive, and I really want a decent friends with benefits. I can separate sex from emotion very easily, but I find that men cannot, very oddly. Even if you discuss it with them, and it is all agreed, they change the rules, and start thinking about nesting behaviors, marriage, moving in together, etc., etc. I think that getting to those areas takes a very long time to cultivate. I have always been honest upfront, but they have ALWAYS changed the rules.

I mean, I can enjoy an incredible meal, or concert, or museum visit, or sunset with a friend, and they don't go nuts. I just extend this to sex, have really nice respectful moments, and have some herbal tea, and appreciate it for that, and if anything comes, let is manifest.

I am starting to see, that I see things very differently from men on this issue. To me, it is simple, respectful, and straightforward.

What am I missing? This is really personal, and I would appreciate honest feedback to discuss this.

 

[Philippa]

Hi maryiscontrary. I like your approach, and I'm kinda in the same boat, although I do not seem to have the same capacity to seperate sex from emotions, as I once did in my twenties. My last fwb did not turn out very well, and I agree about the amount of trainwrecks out there. In Australia there really doesn't seem to be that many quality men at all. There are some great guys out there, don't get me wrong...but, there are a LOT of douches.

I always thought it would be the other way around...that the men could turn off from their emotions, (didn't even work out that they HAD emotions until I was in my twenties :D), but the way men and women are evolving in recent times...the men are being more like women and the women are becoming more like men. It's all back to front. :D

I don't really know what I can offer here other than to say that if you continue to be upfront with each man you meet and want to go on these journeys with, then the thing you have to watch is when they say they can handle it, and then discover they really can't. It's annoying, but it happens. I actually want the same thing at the moment, and have a few different lovers if possible. There's no shortage over here either, but again...quality not quantity seems to be the challenge to find, though I seem to be stepping up in that respect lately...which is nice.

I don't think you are missing anything really, it just seems like both your motivations are different from the start, so it makes it hard to stay in synch. You're doing the right thing, they just can't handle it. The only solution I find is to break it off when you start to intuit the guy is having feelings for you. It might sound cold, and somewhat not conducive advice to give someone about intimacy, but in this context that's all I can think of.

Hope it helps in some way.

 

[Candleflames]

I commend you for knowing yourself and what you want so well. That is a rarity. You also sound like you have given your needs a good deal of thought and are in a good place to have a friends with benefits relationship. I have a rather unusual suggestion for you so feel free to decide it's not for you.

I'm going to recommend you look at making friends in the non-monogamous community. That is if you are ok with the possibility of your new friend being in a relationship with another. It's just that most people in open or polyamorous relationships are really good at separating the emotions from the sex. They also tend to having some very firm rules about what is and is not allowed so I suggest you figure out what exactly you are comfortable with happening and when. They key to managing this type of lifestyle is honest communication among all involved. Also be aware that people anywhere are going to have various levels of baggage. No one is free from issues so in this community you would still need to proceed cautiously and slowly just like anywhere else new.

So if you want to find out more in your are there are often clubs, both nightlife types and educational types in larger cities. You can do a google search for your town and nearby cities and the phrase sex club. You could also check out any local sex shops for more info. Just ask them if they know where you could learn more about this new thing you've heard of that you found interesting. Typically single women are very welcome.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Wow thanks guys. This is a deeply personal subject. And I don't want others I try to discuss this with get the wrong idea.

And thank both of you so much for really respecting and discussing what I have described. I am not a sex addict, as in trying to fill a void, I just flat out have a high sex drive. And it's caused a lot of problems in past relationships, because the guy just gets worn out. And even worse, his pride and ego are severely hurt.

A long time ago, I did the poly thing. There is a lot of deviancy I found. Again, it's a haven for slime balls masquerading as polys. Not to say there are not good people, but it just attracts a lot of deviants. I need to feel safe. Real hard partiers, and I am more organic home grown artist type.

I have thought this many times, and have been both amused and shocked....maybe I was just deluding myself? But as time goes by, and I have had 15 years to thnk about it, I think it's time to face the music.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This is hard. Many guys will SAY that FWB is great, there SO into it, blah blah blah, but after sex is introduced they get possessive and only want you and want more than was agreed upon. It's difficult to say the least.

I am one of those people who doesn't bond through sex. I guess I'm an odd duck, but I feel more guy-ish than a lot of guys out there in this respect. I'm not a slut, I don't sleep around, and I've had relatively few sexual partners. I just don't bond through the actual act of sex and I think it throws some guys for a loop.

Good luck. A good FWB is hard to find.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Yeah, I don't bond very quickly at all through sex, but I do appreciate it like it was art, which I think is very sensitive to the other person. So I really respect a good artist, but that doesn't mean I want to move in, have babies, and get a 30 year mortgage with that person right then. I think this type of nesting instinct comes much,much later for me. In fact, I think it is a wise choice for both partners to take time with nest building.

I guess the oxytocin affects us differently than our partners. The oxytocin affects me like the feeling of a job well done for the other person, or like your team won the Super Bowl feeling, and I feel appreciation to the other person. Like "Good Job, compadre!" But oxytocin with them triggers long term nesting instinct.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This thread is making me laugh....

Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm visualizing high fives all around after sex. Lol.

I've tried the FWB thing before. The guy said it was cool, he only wanted a sexual relationship, blah blah blah. I thought "great, I won't have to deal with relationship crap!" But alas, that didn't last. Then he starts up with the "future" stuff, asking me what was the point of getting together if I didn't see a future between us. It kind of scared the crap out of me. I hate it when the rules change half way thru the game...

 

[DMerish]

This thread is making me laugh....

Me too :p

I don't know for sure, but I think I'm much older than most of you that have posted already, and so didn't want to input old lady stuff. I mean, during my (I'll call them) "more active years", the term FWB wasn't around. But basically, it's what I preferred and ran into the same type of thing that's been mentioned. I figured the guy figured out that what was being offered was better than having to "look for it" and therefore surmised it could go on "until we both shall live". Either that, or, now that the sex part was established they were faced with a new challenge: to have all of me. IDK, but no thanks.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Well, I mean, I really like to be friends with the person. And the thing that scares me is how few men really know themselves. Like you said, they can talk a good game, and they truly believe they have their "stuff" together. But they too are self deceived disasters. And I am sure women are no different, so I am trying to be fair.

 

[LizardViolet]

I'd like to second the vote that you try looking for polyamorous men. Particularly men who are already in a primary relationship. The poly world has expanded and evolved a lot in the past 15-20 years. I've been in it for longer than that and I agree, there were and are definitely some weirdos and damaged people. Now I'm part of a great community of smart, interesting, good communicators who have longtime experience with poly, in the major city where I live. I've made good friends, and my spouse has found lots of great people to date, on OK Cupid, which tends to be a pretty poly-friendly place.

 

[Candleflames]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm visualizing high fives all around after sex. Lol.

This made me laugh because I do know people who do this!!! :roflmao:

I came her to finally respond, I finally have some time, to find LizardViolet already made one of my points. Much has changed even in the past 5 years so there has been huge strides since 15 years ago. There are still the smarmy guys that can give me the creeps but there are far fewer of them then there used to be. One of the big differences is that single new guys are not allowed. If a guys is single and in the scene he has already built a good reputation. It also varies by location. If you live in an area where the men tend to be more patriarchal, the men in the poly/open scene tend to be more into the many women aspect than be truly open.

I also wanted to make another point. In general I prefer people that have an open relationship to those in poly relationships. It's a very fine distinction. Those in poly relations still have the romantic feelings for all of their partners. That's what polyamorous is, it's about not confining your love to just one person. I think that is very noble and really takes a special kind of person to do. Those in open relationships tend more to separating love and sex and are less likely to be all touchy/lovey/mushy/sappy. There's more an attitude of sex for it's own please then a congrats on a job well done and back to being just friends till the next romp.

It might be worth it to take a quick peek to see what going on in your area. If it's not what you like than walk away. Responsible adults will not want to jump right in the sack upon meeting you.

I also had another thought. You could try to join some activity group that does something you enjoy. It's a way to meet new people and develop friendships. The more people you meet the greater the chance you will find someone who is also looking for a no pressure sexual relationship.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Wow thanks guys for such thoughtful input. Much appreciated. I wouldn't say I have alters at all, but I do have dimensions to my personality. I am a geek, but I have had relationships with other geeks, real cowboys, a British biker, a west texas biker, a tattooed boy toy, some straight cut professional suit and tie sorts. All offered something, but I still felt starved because they had only one dimension, and didn't transcend into others. I am a hard core scientist and artist, and I got to play the part of biker chick in my last relationship, but he had trouble doing concerts, museum stuff, etc.

I end up feeling stifled by the lack of participation outside their interests. Plus, I wear them out, and they feel emasculated because they can't keep up. I don't like doing this, and there seems to be no way to mitigate it. I don't like hurting a mans pride.