My brother and family physically,sexually,and verbally abused me until I was about 15 years old. I have gotten over it, or at least tried to. But whenever he comes around I feel this great wave of anxiety come over me and I almost have to shut down for the rest of the day. I am "that" person in my family who can;t handle anything and always brings the past and bad things up. I want to be close to my family. I don't have anyone else. I am alone, but I don't know how to be with them. Any suggestions?
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How To Deal With Anxiety When Around My Brother?
- Post starter Imanpeony
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Meteorology12
New Here
I was abused physically, sexually, and verbally by my brother also until I was 15 at which he got married. I was also abused by various family members as well as church members. Every time he came near me after he got married I was scared he was going to harass me in some way again. My anxiety was so bad and my family ( and church) were not supportive of me, instead sided with him and told me it was no big deal. They told me to get over it. So eventually I left and have zero contact with my family or church now. It has been almost a year since I left. I will not lie it is not easy sometimes, especially around the holidays it was a struggle. However, it was what I had to do to remain sane and move on with my life. I have experienced things I would have never been able to experience had I not left. I have a new found freedom and a fear that is no longer there. I have a supportive friend who took me in, they also have no contact with my family or former church.
scout86
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You were physically, sexually, and verbally abused by these people and it surprises you that you feel anxious around them? In what kind of universe would it make sense to NOT feel anxious around them?
It would be nice to be able to feel close to your biological family, I suppose. But, not all biological families are safe to be close to. Sounds like yours probably isn't, We can create our own family out of the people we meet in the rest of the world. My suggestion would be to not spend time hoping the family you were born into will change into something better, and populate your world with good people, even if you're not related by biology.
It would be nice to be able to feel close to your biological family, I suppose. But, not all biological families are safe to be close to. Sounds like yours probably isn't, We can create our own family out of the people we meet in the rest of the world. My suggestion would be to not spend time hoping the family you were born into will change into something better, and populate your world with good people, even if you're not related by biology.
Stagetrapdoor
New Here
The good news, sort of, is that you know he makes you anxious. Never forget that.
It is possible to forget and just have anxiety as a default emotion. You might try meditation or breathing exercises to calm yourself . You could try positive affirmations or ask for something from your doctor for the anxiety , if you remain in relationship with your brother.
Find things that comfort you that are not harmful. You could imagine yourself in a relaxing place or the beach. Try to build an arsenal of happy things to do to combat the horror your family put you through.
I stopped seeing my entire family but only recently . My doctors kept saying I needed to remove stress and I realized everyone in my family stressed me in a major way. I wanted to walk in forgiveness toward everyone but my physical health began to deteriorate.
We cannot always remove ourselves from our families. That may be a decision you reach later. My friend used to take me to all her family gatherings and we became family to each other. I knew what happened to her and she knew what happened to me . We could kind of support each other. Try to cultivate one or two good friends who can be family to you.
Always avoid pain. Avoid emotional pain. It is not your brother that you are rejecting, it is pain.
It is possible to forget and just have anxiety as a default emotion. You might try meditation or breathing exercises to calm yourself . You could try positive affirmations or ask for something from your doctor for the anxiety , if you remain in relationship with your brother.
Find things that comfort you that are not harmful. You could imagine yourself in a relaxing place or the beach. Try to build an arsenal of happy things to do to combat the horror your family put you through.
I stopped seeing my entire family but only recently . My doctors kept saying I needed to remove stress and I realized everyone in my family stressed me in a major way. I wanted to walk in forgiveness toward everyone but my physical health began to deteriorate.
We cannot always remove ourselves from our families. That may be a decision you reach later. My friend used to take me to all her family gatherings and we became family to each other. I knew what happened to her and she knew what happened to me . We could kind of support each other. Try to cultivate one or two good friends who can be family to you.
Always avoid pain. Avoid emotional pain. It is not your brother that you are rejecting, it is pain.
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scout86
VIP Member
Does it really make sense to medicate yourself so you can tolerate being around a dangerous person/people?
There are things you can do to help you deal with damage from the past, but don't you owe it to yourself to prevent more damage? Is there something that gives you good reason to think these people have seen the error of their ways?
Which is better, being alone or being abused? Granted, everyone probably won't answer that the same way and I'll never understand the notion that being abused might be better than being alone...... At least ask yourself the question and consider the answer. I don't really think the problem here is YOU. I think your reaction of feeling anxious is perfectly normal and self protective.
There are things you can do to help you deal with damage from the past, but don't you owe it to yourself to prevent more damage? Is there something that gives you good reason to think these people have seen the error of their ways?
Which is better, being alone or being abused? Granted, everyone probably won't answer that the same way and I'll never understand the notion that being abused might be better than being alone...... At least ask yourself the question and consider the answer. I don't really think the problem here is YOU. I think your reaction of feeling anxious is perfectly normal and self protective.
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@scout86 -
Thank you for your thoughts. It is natural and I do understand that. But isn't natural as well to want to be close to your family? I understand that they are or at the very least were dangerous, but they are all I know. I have been isolated for the majority of my life. And although they are with me I am really alone. The idea of being even more alone scares me. The more alone you are the more vulnerable you are. I suppose I am afraid of starting the cycle all over again. Just with new people.
@ Meterology12-
Wow that is wonderful that you were brave enough to do that. I don't really know anyone else like that. How did you meet your friend? Maybe I can try to have a "partner" or "buddy" like that to help.
@ Stagetrapdoor-I am sorry about your health. My sister is like that. She has 2 chronic illnesses that are "gifts" from the the abuse, stress, and anxiety. That's really apart of the reason that I wanted to try to get some help on how to deal with it. Where did you find the strength to leave? Or did it just happen naturally so to speak?
Thank you for your thoughts. It is natural and I do understand that. But isn't natural as well to want to be close to your family? I understand that they are or at the very least were dangerous, but they are all I know. I have been isolated for the majority of my life. And although they are with me I am really alone. The idea of being even more alone scares me. The more alone you are the more vulnerable you are. I suppose I am afraid of starting the cycle all over again. Just with new people.
@ Meterology12-
Wow that is wonderful that you were brave enough to do that. I don't really know anyone else like that. How did you meet your friend? Maybe I can try to have a "partner" or "buddy" like that to help.
@ Stagetrapdoor-I am sorry about your health. My sister is like that. She has 2 chronic illnesses that are "gifts" from the the abuse, stress, and anxiety. That's really apart of the reason that I wanted to try to get some help on how to deal with it. Where did you find the strength to leave? Or did it just happen naturally so to speak?
Meteorology12
New Here
@Imanpeony I finally opened up and told a neighbor about my childhood. She is the friend I live with and I now call her my aunt and am calling her family my own. It was not easy opening up and telling her not only did I live at home and fear my family would tell her I was delusional, but also I was afraid she wouldn't believe what I had to say. I also was isolated as a child and adolescent. I finally told myself I could possibly be setting myself up for abuse again however I was pretty tired of my home life and knew there were people who honest, sincere, and good that wouldn't hurt me like that again. So I took a chance and knew it would either be the best thing I ever done or I would just be made fun of again at that point one more person making fun of me really didn't matter.
Even if you tell someone and they laugh at you or try to take advantage of you, remember there are good people out there who will understand what happened to you was wrong and help you recover and live a normal life. This is hard work once you leave you are overwhelmed with emotions such as: did I make the right decision, what if I see the people I don't want to see, and many other fears. With the right support you will surpass the fears eventually I believe. I have left it has been almost a year and the fear is still there( it has lessened) and sometimes when I pass places that the former people in my life might be, I still am afraid. However, now I talk myself through it and know in myself they cannot dominate me ever again as they once did. All that is coming out of there mouth is just words and possibly actions, at that point it is up to you whether they dominate you or not.
Don't let your abuser beat you down again, stand your ground and know in your heart why you left. It is hard to be without your biological family but with family like that who needs enemies. Good Luck!!!
Even if you tell someone and they laugh at you or try to take advantage of you, remember there are good people out there who will understand what happened to you was wrong and help you recover and live a normal life. This is hard work once you leave you are overwhelmed with emotions such as: did I make the right decision, what if I see the people I don't want to see, and many other fears. With the right support you will surpass the fears eventually I believe. I have left it has been almost a year and the fear is still there( it has lessened) and sometimes when I pass places that the former people in my life might be, I still am afraid. However, now I talk myself through it and know in myself they cannot dominate me ever again as they once did. All that is coming out of there mouth is just words and possibly actions, at that point it is up to you whether they dominate you or not.
Don't let your abuser beat you down again, stand your ground and know in your heart why you left. It is hard to be without your biological family but with family like that who needs enemies. Good Luck!!!
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@Imanpeony there are many, many, much safer, more nurturing, wonderful people out there. It's not true that you don't have anyone; you just don't know their names yet. You can create excellent friendships and choose a healthy family for yourself, though it's a long road - but there is nothing more worthwhile. I believe that staying near traumatizing people will make it much harder for you to be able to do so; you might be being "triggered" often by these "family" members, which will keep you in survival mode at some level. But there are other people in the world who are much, much different from them!
I cut off contact with my abusive brother around 25 years ago. Some family members wouldn't speak to me as a result. Some who didn't want to define death threats, violence, and other abuse as anything all that bad were virtually impossible for me to spend more than a few days a year with. These were people who would admit to me that he was dangerous for only a week or so after each incident, then he was suddenly "better", and I was wrong... Their denial cycling repeated for years. Somehow, I think they were less able to deal with reality than you or I...
I know many pretty trustworthy people now and some truly wonderful ones, that I never would have met had I stayed in that world. I didn't even know I was hardly trusting anyone at age 20; the concept of trust was some abstract vocabulary word... I hope you'll start reading this forum more as you might start recognizing things from your own life, and also get a trauma therapist who feels safe to you, to start.
I cut off contact with my abusive brother around 25 years ago. Some family members wouldn't speak to me as a result. Some who didn't want to define death threats, violence, and other abuse as anything all that bad were virtually impossible for me to spend more than a few days a year with. These were people who would admit to me that he was dangerous for only a week or so after each incident, then he was suddenly "better", and I was wrong... Their denial cycling repeated for years. Somehow, I think they were less able to deal with reality than you or I...
I know many pretty trustworthy people now and some truly wonderful ones, that I never would have met had I stayed in that world. I didn't even know I was hardly trusting anyone at age 20; the concept of trust was some abstract vocabulary word... I hope you'll start reading this forum more as you might start recognizing things from your own life, and also get a trauma therapist who feels safe to you, to start.
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scout86
VIP Member
I guess? I'm not close to mine and never have been. I eventually realized that there just isn't any potential there for a relationship that's going to work or could be described as "healthy". I haven't totally cut them out of my life in any kind of dramatic way, I just don't see them often and don't bother trying to be involved in their lives, or try to involve them in mine.
The best thing that ever happened to me was when I left my parent's house for college. I found out there actually ARE people in the world who can find it in themselves to like me and accept me, just the way I am. These days, I feel like I have a large family. We just don't happen to be related by biology.
I also disagree with
Vulnerable to what, exactly? Isn't it PEOPLE that represent the major threat? Now, I'll grant that my world view is that I'll trust everybody to a point and nobody completely and maybe that's not a perfect world view. But, the closest I ever come to feeling "safe" is when there aren't any other people in the picture.
Beyond that, it doesn't sound like these particular people are very likely to protect you from anything.
Good luck Imanpeony! I know this is a real dilemma and a hard choice for you. Just consider that there may be a lot of GOOD things out there in the rest of the world that you haven't experienced and won't know about until you try. If you argue for your own limitations, you'll own them. If you give yourself a chance to try new things, you may well be surprised at what you can do.
I think people react to dysfunctional families differently. Some of us are conditioned to try harder and harder to please and be "better" to win the love and safety we never had. Others stay away and find it hard to let anyone close and coped in childhood by being super independent. Still others such as myself go from one to the other.
If there is a pattern of blaming ourselves and thinking there is something wrong with us that could change how others are with us and make things right then it is a great source of future injury for us as sadly other peoples behaviour is about them and not us.
Your anxiety is self protective and survival based and the most functional natural thing in the world. It is something to be treasured as it is there to tell you when there is danger and when you need to protect yourself.
I understand that separating from your family isn't something you can contemplate at present. You are binded to them very closely and partly by the abuse. I think the answer to managing this is to work on boundaries. Work on finding ways that will make you feel safer when you are exposed to them. Work on assertiveness and honouring your emotions and your distress. Validating how you feel and why you feel as you do. You need to find ways to look after your mind and bodies fears and help them be and feel safer for the anxiety to start being better.
If there is a pattern of blaming ourselves and thinking there is something wrong with us that could change how others are with us and make things right then it is a great source of future injury for us as sadly other peoples behaviour is about them and not us.
Your anxiety is self protective and survival based and the most functional natural thing in the world. It is something to be treasured as it is there to tell you when there is danger and when you need to protect yourself.
I understand that separating from your family isn't something you can contemplate at present. You are binded to them very closely and partly by the abuse. I think the answer to managing this is to work on boundaries. Work on finding ways that will make you feel safer when you are exposed to them. Work on assertiveness and honouring your emotions and your distress. Validating how you feel and why you feel as you do. You need to find ways to look after your mind and bodies fears and help them be and feel safer for the anxiety to start being better.
D
Deleted member 1860
Why don't you believe that you deserve better? I ask simply because you're willing to be around those who have abused you just because you don't want to be alone.
You fear being alone to the point that you're willing to be around your abusers. I think this deserves serious thought.
You fear being alone to the point that you're willing to be around your abusers. I think this deserves serious thought.
Having connection to people is a really powerful drive, and young kids absolutely require it. It's hard to start to realize that you're not that little kid anymore with no choices, that as an adult you can choose to begin to develop skills that will get you actual positive relationships with people.
I think I had a sort of assumption that everyone outside my family must be worse than them; it was connected with having learned at some point something to the effect that one's family are the people who are going to be the best to you, or do the most for you.
Positive experiences seem to persuade a deeper level of my mind to decide to learn totally new, good abilities, like more trust, sometimes. You might be able to decide to try to put yourself in more positive situations, even if you're pretty dissociated or whatever... I've done that a lot. An important point: if an attempt to find a better situation fails, *keep trying*.
p.s. by "keep trying", I had in mind, to keep trying different approaches and learning from mistakes, not to keep banging one's head against a wall expecting individuals who don't want to change, to change... I've still got some work to do on the latter problem, myself... :meh:
I think I had a sort of assumption that everyone outside my family must be worse than them; it was connected with having learned at some point something to the effect that one's family are the people who are going to be the best to you, or do the most for you.
Positive experiences seem to persuade a deeper level of my mind to decide to learn totally new, good abilities, like more trust, sometimes. You might be able to decide to try to put yourself in more positive situations, even if you're pretty dissociated or whatever... I've done that a lot. An important point: if an attempt to find a better situation fails, *keep trying*.
p.s. by "keep trying", I had in mind, to keep trying different approaches and learning from mistakes, not to keep banging one's head against a wall expecting individuals who don't want to change, to change... I've still got some work to do on the latter problem, myself... :meh:
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