How to Deal With Knowing I Deserved It?

[Freida]

When I know it is my fault and I’m trying to accept that and learn how to process and deal with it. Ugh.

Stop fighting her. She is right.
I think most of us have to fight this battle -- that it is our fault and no one will simply accept that as a fact. We can come up with 100 different situations to blame ourselves for -- and we can prove each one is our fault. It's a way of maintaining a sense of control when we didn't have any.

You don't see it yet because you aren't ready. And that's ok. But in the meantime maybe try this... allow your T to have her way. Let her treat you like it's not your fault when you are with her. Listen to the things she says and try to follow her line of thinking. She may never convince you that it's not your fault - but you can let her try. What could it hurt?

 

[blackemerald1]

I read somewhere that children (babies to somewhere in teenage land) - think that what happens to themselves and others is all their doing. That they control everything.

A few tantrums later and some regrettable experiments in the teenage years and a well supported mind learns that no...they do not control the Universe and unfortunately nobody in it. The best they can do is manage themselves, influence their environment a little bit but not consistently - take on loads of responsibilities and it's not always fun.

Then the shell-shock of bringing a child into being may happen and suddenly a healthy mind realises how totally responsible they are for this helpless little being until they grow up and take on their own responsibilities.

It is difficult to grow away from the belief that as a child you had complete control especially if the adults caring for you reinforced this belief by act or omission. It's a distortion that should have been left behind in childhood.

Oh and I agree...I haven't read any posts here about anyone deserving abuse.

 

[Missing Mermaid]

Stop fighting her. She is right.
I think most of us have to fight this battle -- that it is our fault and no one will simply accept that as a fact. We can come up with 100 different situations to blame ourselves for -- and we can prove each one is our fault. It's a way of maintaining a sense of control when we didn't have any.

Freida you hit upon something I haven’t thought of before.... self blame as a way to maintain control... I will need to think about this for a while. I have a desperate need for facts and accuracy. Which she says is a form of OCD thinking. This is where i get stuck with letting her treat me like it isn’t my fault when it is. Since she isn’t correct it physically feels intolerable. But I will think over this control piece. Thank you for this perspective.

 

[seabadger]

When someone gets mugged on the street, is it their fault because they were on the street? Or their fault because they handed the money over without putting up a fight? Or maybe their fault that they looked vulnerable enough for the mugger to target them? If the person didn't consciously choose to get mugged then I can't really see it being their fault.

 

[Missing Mermaid]

Seabadger I respect what you are saying and even agree it wouldn’t be someone’s fault if they get mugged. Nor would I think it is a small child or anyone else’s fault for being abused. My T asks similar questions.

I am logical and can see the above is the “correct” answer which should apply to myself. But it doesn’t. I drive myself crazy bc I can logically hear professionals and read about the “correct” answer, I see it. But do not grasp it if that makes sense. As I have a need for accurate information this makes me unsettled. But at the end of each day I am left with: how isn’t it my fault...well it is and despise myself

 

[shimmerz]

I am logical and can see the above is the “correct” answer which should apply to myself.

Yes, but belief systems are far stronger than logic. True story.

One just has to understand how elephants are trained into captivity to see what has happened with many of us. By many of us, I mean our entire global population. How many people hate paying taxes? If we all got together we could easily over power those who take us to task for things that are generally not well received by the population. But we don't. Why not?

Short Story: The Elephant and The Rope

self blame as a way to maintain control...

Control I think is a confusing way to look at it. I think it is more like 'self blame as a way to give up control because one realizes that there is no way out. Whether there is or not.'

This statement by you says a lot to me:

because I needed to save my energy to fend off big brother at home. He was more likely to rape me than any of these randos on the bus,

Most of us, in a position of complete helplessness (no power figure to back us up - like your elders saying 'that is what boys do - bear it') come to a point where we look for safe-ish. Not safe-est. Not safe. These are not options for those of us trapped in these types of situations. The only way to go is to give up control and find what little control we do have over our safety generally so we can keep safe from specific events (usually chronic and random but consistent exposure to violence of some sort).

It's brainwashing. Brainwashing isn't reality. Just as adult elephants could easily break that rope, they don't try. Why? Because they don't have kick ass T's and a forum of people who are encouraging them to pull their bound leg just a little harder.

Surprisingly once the elephant defies their learned and warped perception and moves their leg (let's say accidentally), they still may or may not even understand the concept of freedom, or where they would want to go, or how they would eat if they would escape.

It seems simple to say - it is wrong thinking - but honestly - there is so much fear there because of the dependence that was instilled in us (and them) that comes with being forced to be another's victim or slave perhaps is more the word.

So maybe the question for you T - to get you over the hump of not knowing how to get around this belief is - if you aren't every man's play toy - who are you? Build that image, come up with ideas, and start walking towards that image of your new self without the corrupted belief system.

 

[blackemerald1]

Such a cool story @shimmerz and so true. Thanks for sharing :)

 

[Freida]

But it doesn’t. I drive myself crazy bc I can logically hear professionals and read about the “correct” answer, I see it. But do not grasp it if that makes sense. As I have a need for accurate information this makes me unsettled. But at the end of each day I am left with: how isn’t it my fault...well it is and despise myself

My T tells me that I am the most educated patient she has because everytime she brings up an idea or concept I research the crap out of it to learn all I can and where it will fit in with my story. I've finally given that up a bit and let her do her job instead of doing it for her. I mean, if I could do it on research alone what would I need her for??

 

[piratelady]

I'm actually really amazed at how helpful I found this tread. This is something I've continued to struggle with for a long time.

So many times and people. Becuase this happened to me so many times...different ages, people, situations I had to have been asking for it some how...I’m the common denominator.

I drive myself crazy bc I can logically hear professionals and read about the “correct” answer, I see it. But do not grasp it if that makes sense. As I have a need for accurate information this makes me unsettled. But at the end of each day I am left with: how isn’t it my fault...well it is and despise myself

This is me exactly. I'm convinced that because there are so many instances, so many different people, it must be me, something that is inherently wrong with me. My compliance, something. People here, my therapist have all tried to convince me otherwise, but I just can't grasp it.

If you would slap me in the face, would you tell me I deserved it because I didn't pull away?

I've heard a few analogies and for some reason this one really resonates with me. Like I actually get it.

Moreover, if I ever DID see that? I would report the SHIT out of it right away.
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, deserves to be sexually assaulted, for ANY reason.

This isn't the first time I've seen you say something like this, so emphatically, and almost, forcefully (that's not the right word, but I can't think of the right one at the moment). I don't know why, but it seems to get the point across so much more. Like, the fact that you are so angry at the the abuse just makes me understand it more how wrong it really is. Anyway, thanks. :)

Let her treat you like it's not your fault when you are with her. Listen to the things she says and try to follow her line of thinking. She may never convince you that it's not your fault - but you can let her try. What could it hurt?

I've never actually considered doing this before. It's true though, it wouldn't hurt to try. I think I need to try this sometime.

Anyway, this has been a great thread, I think I'm actually starting to understand it, even if just a little bit.

 

[Missing Mermaid]

My T tells me that I am the most educated patient she has because everytime she brings up an idea or concept I research the crap out of it to learn all I can and where it will fit in with my story. I've finally given that up a bit and let her do her job instead of doing it for her. I mean, if I could do it on research alone what would I need her for??

Haha my T has said similar... we went over wise mind and the rational/ emotional sides; she told me that I am intellectually one of the most rational and logical thinkers she has met and usually she works with people who are more on the emotional side. So we worked on having and identifying emotions...still working on this. I can’t give up researching though. However I don’t do a lot of researching around my diagnoses unless it is related back to the workings of actual brain function. Like pathways and neurons. Which is how my IFS T has to approach sessions. If she says mangers or firefighter I can’t take it seriously for some reason. I also have adhd so when the hyper focus kicks in there is no stopping me. Bright side I know a heck of a lot about random things like vintage Pyrex for example. I do not own any lol

If you would slap me in the face, would you tell me I deserved it because I didn't pull away

This resonates with me. I can clearly see duh no did not in any way deserve being slapped. Then this other view creeps in and says missing mermaid if everyone is slapping you in the face-maybe the issue is you? Again I logically and intellectually see my flawed reasoning (in a way)....but do not really grasp it.

 

[Juso]

@Missing Mermaid

if everyone is slapping you in the face-maybe the issue is you?

Nope, the issue is the world we're living in. The issue is the people we are surrounded by. And sometimes, when you've been slapped in the face already, it lays the groundwork for being slapped in the face again.
Best example: I was bullied in primary school (and a bit in kindergarten too), and this layed the groundwork for being bullied in high school too. My self confidence was already damaged and I didn't fight against those bullies. Because I didn't know how. Its learned helplessness.
I get what you're saying. I have a feeling of its-me-not-them too. I mean, I was bullied almost my entire childhood and adolescence. So of course I think its my fault.
But. Its. Not.
It never was.
And it was never your fault.
Because you can never be responsible for the things that have been done to you. The responsibility lays with your abusers.

 

[Freida]

If she says mangers or firefighter I can’t take it seriously for some reason.

because it sounds utterly stupid? ? yea I had a really hard time with the idea that there are little people running around in my head making me do things. Have you seen the movie Inside Out? Its about a girl learning to control her emotions and I found it way funnier than a lot of people did just because of that.

If you haven't seen it yet you might check out The Body Keeps the Score by Van de Kolk. He does a fabulous job of explaining that whole firefighter/critic thing. It's pretty much my bible.

Because you can never be responsible for the things that have been done to you. The responsibility lays with your abusers.

This!! ^^^^^^^^^^