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General How To Deal With Prolonged Shutout
- Post starter Nat
- Start date
- Status
Hi Nat and welcome to the forum !
First of all, let me tell you that I truly understand what you are going through.
How long have you been seeing your boyfriend ? How long has the shutout been going on ?
I was seeing my, now exbf, for almost 2 years and it was the best of relationships, I had never experienced any shutdowns from him.
Unfortunately, this summer (in August), he went through a complete shutdown and left me. After a long silence that lasted a couple of months, (his first message since he had left was in October).
We very slowly started communicating, a few messages back and forth, we saw each other once before the xmas holidays, still kept in touch........We ended up spending a weekend together at my place in January.
During all this time, in the few emails he did send he kept on saying he loved me and he missed me.
We thought we would make it this time.....I believed in it more then he did.
Unfortunately it didn't work out. Whatever had triggered his shutdown was still with him. He truly thought he was ready to resume our relationship, but he wasn't.....he will most probably never be able to come back to me.
Ok, you are going about it the right way, give him space, give him time. He will maybe come back to you, and it can work out between you.
Not all cases are the same, my relationship didn't work out. But who is to say which one will ?
Right now what you have to do is take care of yourself. Be good to yourself, don't feel guilty, don't think you can make it better or that you can help him. He is confused, lost right now....he is the only one that can make it better for himself. He is the only one that can make the commitment to get better.
Send him one or two notes telling him that you are thinking of him. If he contacts you, do not push, or ask too many questions, he will talk when and if he is ready to talk.
Hope things get better for you ! Please, take care of yourself, you are important too. !
Frankie
First of all, let me tell you that I truly understand what you are going through.
How long have you been seeing your boyfriend ? How long has the shutout been going on ?
I was seeing my, now exbf, for almost 2 years and it was the best of relationships, I had never experienced any shutdowns from him.
Unfortunately, this summer (in August), he went through a complete shutdown and left me. After a long silence that lasted a couple of months, (his first message since he had left was in October).
We very slowly started communicating, a few messages back and forth, we saw each other once before the xmas holidays, still kept in touch........We ended up spending a weekend together at my place in January.
During all this time, in the few emails he did send he kept on saying he loved me and he missed me.
We thought we would make it this time.....I believed in it more then he did.
Unfortunately it didn't work out. Whatever had triggered his shutdown was still with him. He truly thought he was ready to resume our relationship, but he wasn't.....he will most probably never be able to come back to me.
Ok, you are going about it the right way, give him space, give him time. He will maybe come back to you, and it can work out between you.
Not all cases are the same, my relationship didn't work out. But who is to say which one will ?
Right now what you have to do is take care of yourself. Be good to yourself, don't feel guilty, don't think you can make it better or that you can help him. He is confused, lost right now....he is the only one that can make it better for himself. He is the only one that can make the commitment to get better.
Send him one or two notes telling him that you are thinking of him. If he contacts you, do not push, or ask too many questions, he will talk when and if he is ready to talk.
Hope things get better for you ! Please, take care of yourself, you are important too. !
Frankie
- Post starter
- #3
Thanks for the welcome Frankie! I have read a lot of your posts and they have really helped me to know that I am not alone.
I guess this requires some backstory
I had been with my ex for 2 1/2 years. We had as good as a relationship as was possible with him in the military and me in Florida for school. He deployed to Afghanistan last spring and it went pretty well. He wrote me letters about marrying me and how he couldn't wait to come home and get out so we could finally live our lives together. His deployment was very hard. When he came back he was a different person. Sleeping with knives, irritable, hyper vigilant, and quiet. He had a couple of emotional break downs about what he had experienced over there and how he thought everyone looked at him differently and that no one understands him. We never regained our level of communication that we had had before he left. The month of November was a good month, he acted like his normal self really lovey dovey and caring. I had dropped him off at the airport and he literally cried in the lobby because he didn't want to leave me. The end of december it was like he flipped a switch. I went back home to visit for the holidays (we are from the same area) and he didn't look at me, talk to me, or touch me. I was so confused. When I would ask him why he was being weird he would just say I don't know I just feel so confused. He was just so cold and unemotional. He broke up with me on NYE (on the phone no less!) because he said that our relationship didn't "feel right". I was obviously confused because he had never said this before, but I let him be. I later found out he slept with some girl that night. I confronted him a couple of days later about what I had witnessed since he had come back. I told him I was worried about him and that I thought he should get help because the way he had been acting was not the person he was. He broke down and agreed with me and agreed to get help. His mom emailed me to thank me for finally convincing him that something was indeed wrong and that he needed to get help. She had noticed his change too, but her offers of getting him a therapist were met with the reply "I'm fine, I'm just tired".
We have talked a little since then. He came around once with apologies about how he messed up and never gave us a chance and how he didn't to miss out on the "girl of his dreams" because of how he was feeling. I told him that I could work on forgiving him for what he had done, but that he needed to focus on himself right now. A couple of days later, he closed off again. He told me he jumped the gun with wanting me to come visit him and that he wasn't obligated to talk to me. I told him I'd be happy the help him through his recovery and that I would always be there for him, but I could not take him wanting to be with me one day and then not the next. I didn't think it was fair because in the end it just hurt me and I don't deserve that.
We haven't spoken in about a month. I struggle with whether I should contact him or not. I feel like I am abandoning him, but I also know that contacting him when he is lost right now is just going to hurt me. I have been taking care of myself. I have been seeing a counselor and I know that it is not my fault and that he has to help himself. It is just hard to deal with the fact that it feels like I don't even matter to him and how he can just continue on in life like I never existed. I do take some comfort in knowing that he isn't just treating me like this. He used to be really close with his mother and he can't even stand to be in same room with her or get hugs from her. A mighty big change for a boy who was a self-professed mama's boy.
I am just confused on what I am supposed to do. Do I fight? Do I wait? Do I just cut my losses? I still don't know! I know that by pushing me away that he needs space and I am giving it to him. I guess that is all I can do right now. It is just hard to not be able to talk to someone who was my best friend for 2 1/2 years.
Thanks Frankie for the advice. What did you do for the months when he wasn't communicating?
I guess this requires some backstory
I had been with my ex for 2 1/2 years. We had as good as a relationship as was possible with him in the military and me in Florida for school. He deployed to Afghanistan last spring and it went pretty well. He wrote me letters about marrying me and how he couldn't wait to come home and get out so we could finally live our lives together. His deployment was very hard. When he came back he was a different person. Sleeping with knives, irritable, hyper vigilant, and quiet. He had a couple of emotional break downs about what he had experienced over there and how he thought everyone looked at him differently and that no one understands him. We never regained our level of communication that we had had before he left. The month of November was a good month, he acted like his normal self really lovey dovey and caring. I had dropped him off at the airport and he literally cried in the lobby because he didn't want to leave me. The end of december it was like he flipped a switch. I went back home to visit for the holidays (we are from the same area) and he didn't look at me, talk to me, or touch me. I was so confused. When I would ask him why he was being weird he would just say I don't know I just feel so confused. He was just so cold and unemotional. He broke up with me on NYE (on the phone no less!) because he said that our relationship didn't "feel right". I was obviously confused because he had never said this before, but I let him be. I later found out he slept with some girl that night. I confronted him a couple of days later about what I had witnessed since he had come back. I told him I was worried about him and that I thought he should get help because the way he had been acting was not the person he was. He broke down and agreed with me and agreed to get help. His mom emailed me to thank me for finally convincing him that something was indeed wrong and that he needed to get help. She had noticed his change too, but her offers of getting him a therapist were met with the reply "I'm fine, I'm just tired".
We have talked a little since then. He came around once with apologies about how he messed up and never gave us a chance and how he didn't to miss out on the "girl of his dreams" because of how he was feeling. I told him that I could work on forgiving him for what he had done, but that he needed to focus on himself right now. A couple of days later, he closed off again. He told me he jumped the gun with wanting me to come visit him and that he wasn't obligated to talk to me. I told him I'd be happy the help him through his recovery and that I would always be there for him, but I could not take him wanting to be with me one day and then not the next. I didn't think it was fair because in the end it just hurt me and I don't deserve that.
We haven't spoken in about a month. I struggle with whether I should contact him or not. I feel like I am abandoning him, but I also know that contacting him when he is lost right now is just going to hurt me. I have been taking care of myself. I have been seeing a counselor and I know that it is not my fault and that he has to help himself. It is just hard to deal with the fact that it feels like I don't even matter to him and how he can just continue on in life like I never existed. I do take some comfort in knowing that he isn't just treating me like this. He used to be really close with his mother and he can't even stand to be in same room with her or get hugs from her. A mighty big change for a boy who was a self-professed mama's boy.
I am just confused on what I am supposed to do. Do I fight? Do I wait? Do I just cut my losses? I still don't know! I know that by pushing me away that he needs space and I am giving it to him. I guess that is all I can do right now. It is just hard to not be able to talk to someone who was my best friend for 2 1/2 years.
Thanks Frankie for the advice. What did you do for the months when he wasn't communicating?
Filling the Time
Hi Nat,
Read your post, I'm sorry that you are in pain because of the uncertainty of your relationship.
I've learned over the years that I have no control over other people's behavior. I only have control over mine.
A few years ago I was in a relationship with someone who would on again off again shut me out. I realized that I was so uncomfortable with the lack of control over "my own destiny" as it related to him. So I began to get honest with myself that it might not work out with him. I grieved that for a long time, but I still held out hope that it might. In the meantime, I started investing in things in my life that gave me pleasure and also made some new connections for me with new friends.
Eventually, I was able to let go of the person and be alright with it. That's how it went for me, but that doesn't imply at all that that's how it will go for you.
My sharing this with you is only to offer the thought that you might take this time to really invest in yourself and make some new friends. For me it was joining a group of runners who were raising funds for Leukemia and running a marathon. It was really great because I had an immediate social network, I was doing something I loved and doing something good.
For you it might be taking a class, starting a new hobby, or connecting with old friends. WHo knows? But for me it was helpful to take the focus off of HIM so that I felt like my life wasn't constantly on hold.
Don't put your life on hold, take care of yourself.
Shoka
Hi Nat,
Read your post, I'm sorry that you are in pain because of the uncertainty of your relationship.
I've learned over the years that I have no control over other people's behavior. I only have control over mine.
A few years ago I was in a relationship with someone who would on again off again shut me out. I realized that I was so uncomfortable with the lack of control over "my own destiny" as it related to him. So I began to get honest with myself that it might not work out with him. I grieved that for a long time, but I still held out hope that it might. In the meantime, I started investing in things in my life that gave me pleasure and also made some new connections for me with new friends.
Eventually, I was able to let go of the person and be alright with it. That's how it went for me, but that doesn't imply at all that that's how it will go for you.
My sharing this with you is only to offer the thought that you might take this time to really invest in yourself and make some new friends. For me it was joining a group of runners who were raising funds for Leukemia and running a marathon. It was really great because I had an immediate social network, I was doing something I loved and doing something good.
For you it might be taking a class, starting a new hobby, or connecting with old friends. WHo knows? But for me it was helpful to take the focus off of HIM so that I felt like my life wasn't constantly on hold.
Don't put your life on hold, take care of yourself.
Shoka
- Moderator
- #5
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Ladies, I have heard therapists say that the people in our lives reflect ourselves....not 100% but for example:
when someone is on and off again like Shoka mentioned it suggests this person is out of control with their feelings towards Shoka (doesn't know what he wants); Shoka said she felt out of control with her lack of destiny (didn't know where she was heading). The reflection in this example is the feeling of being "out of control".
I dated a few men and while I wanted another relationship I was also really scared of being hurt again. When I look back the men I dated were ones who said they would commit to a relationship (eg marriage) but really were really not willing to when it came to the crunch. I attracted men who played out my fears, if not emphasised them. When I decided enough was enough and I had to let go of the fear of being hurt again and got myself mentally strong, things changed, I met Anthony and now we are getting married.
The point of sharing this is to get you to think about where you really are. I don't know if it will help but the realisation of my part in my relationships helped me change what I could which in turn changed my life.
when someone is on and off again like Shoka mentioned it suggests this person is out of control with their feelings towards Shoka (doesn't know what he wants); Shoka said she felt out of control with her lack of destiny (didn't know where she was heading). The reflection in this example is the feeling of being "out of control".
I dated a few men and while I wanted another relationship I was also really scared of being hurt again. When I look back the men I dated were ones who said they would commit to a relationship (eg marriage) but really were really not willing to when it came to the crunch. I attracted men who played out my fears, if not emphasised them. When I decided enough was enough and I had to let go of the fear of being hurt again and got myself mentally strong, things changed, I met Anthony and now we are getting married.
The point of sharing this is to get you to think about where you really are. I don't know if it will help but the realisation of my part in my relationships helped me change what I could which in turn changed my life.
I've just got through to the other side of the 3rd prolonged shut out in my relationship. Every time I think I won't hear from him again. The worst part for me is the return though... Hearing him say he is no good for me, that I deserve better, to let him go. My friends don't understand and I just feel so alone with this. I love him so much and he loves me too but he can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, thinks he is one of those broken things that can't be fixed.
I'm still at the stage where I can't and don't want to give up on him. He is my best friend. I refuse to define him by his PTSD, it isn't who he is, it hasn't been a choice for him to have it, he didnt ask to be abused. I just want him to let me love him and be there for him regardless of whether treatment works.
During the shut outs, I give him space, no pressure to talk to me, send him emails about my everyday stuff, let him know he is in my thoughts and that I love him. It is all I can do.
- Post starter
- #8
I want to send him an email, but I am afraid of making the situation worse. We have literally had not contact for weeks, my only source of information is his mother. I had asked him a couple of weeks ago if he wanted me to stop talking to him and he said no, but whenever I talked to him he just did not seem at all interested. It is confusing to figure out what I am supposed to do.
Hi Nat,
First of all what Nicolette said is so true, we might not see it right away....but with time we do.
Nat, I really feel for you and what you are going through.
During the 5 months my exbf left, I sent him some short messages just telling him I was thinking about him and hoping he was doing good. I did also send him 2 very long emails........telling him everything I felt and how great our relationship was and how it could have been. Should I have written him those 2 emails ? Maybe not........but at that point I thought I had nothing more to lose !
When we did start communicating again and when I did see him that last weekend, I asked him if he had read the messages and emails I had sent him, he said he did....and he was happy to read them. He said it helped him deal with whatever bs he was going through !
I can't say if this is good for you to do too...since I don't know your boyfriend or how he would react. My ex never told me not to write him....he just left and so much unsaid.
Those first 5 months were hell for me, and when I thought I was under control...I would get a message from him and I would be in pain all over again.
I kept busy, tried very hard not to think of the good times, I have good friends that didn't leave me alone. Granted, at the beginning I wanted to be left alone, didn't want anyone or anything but my thoughts and memories....and I cried a lot :)
When he left that last weekend he was with me....he did mention in an email that he didn't want me to call him anymore. I sent him an email telling how I felt, but also telling him that he had made his choice, and that I had to move on. I also told him I wouldn't call or write anymore.
It is hard Nat, very hard, but I kept my promise....I only sent him a "Happy Birthday wish, a few weeks ago. Just "hope you are doing ok, happy birthday, enjoy your day"
I won't write or call him anymore.....I have to think of myself and build my life without him. It is getting better, yes, there are moments when I think of him and still cry....but I am making great efforts in healing.
I distract myself with things I like, I go out, talk with friends, try making new friends...etc....
We deserve to be in a relationship that makes us happier, that makes us feel safer and more secure. Love shouldn't hurt. PTSD shouldn't drag you down !
Take it one day at the time Nat, and remember he, only, can help himself, he has to want to get better and it can be done. He has a long journey to go through and if he is willing and wants you can go along with him. BUT it has to be good for both of you.
Take care of yourself, try to do things that make you happy !......And remember noone can make us happy but us. A relationship should enhance our happiness and wellbeing.
We have the choice to be happy or mope around crying and feeling sorry for ourselves and waiting for something that might never come again.
I chose to be happy again and slowly I will be !
Frankie
First of all what Nicolette said is so true, we might not see it right away....but with time we do.
Nat, I really feel for you and what you are going through.
During the 5 months my exbf left, I sent him some short messages just telling him I was thinking about him and hoping he was doing good. I did also send him 2 very long emails........telling him everything I felt and how great our relationship was and how it could have been. Should I have written him those 2 emails ? Maybe not........but at that point I thought I had nothing more to lose !
When we did start communicating again and when I did see him that last weekend, I asked him if he had read the messages and emails I had sent him, he said he did....and he was happy to read them. He said it helped him deal with whatever bs he was going through !
I can't say if this is good for you to do too...since I don't know your boyfriend or how he would react. My ex never told me not to write him....he just left and so much unsaid.
Those first 5 months were hell for me, and when I thought I was under control...I would get a message from him and I would be in pain all over again.
I kept busy, tried very hard not to think of the good times, I have good friends that didn't leave me alone. Granted, at the beginning I wanted to be left alone, didn't want anyone or anything but my thoughts and memories....and I cried a lot :)
When he left that last weekend he was with me....he did mention in an email that he didn't want me to call him anymore. I sent him an email telling how I felt, but also telling him that he had made his choice, and that I had to move on. I also told him I wouldn't call or write anymore.
It is hard Nat, very hard, but I kept my promise....I only sent him a "Happy Birthday wish, a few weeks ago. Just "hope you are doing ok, happy birthday, enjoy your day"
I won't write or call him anymore.....I have to think of myself and build my life without him. It is getting better, yes, there are moments when I think of him and still cry....but I am making great efforts in healing.
I distract myself with things I like, I go out, talk with friends, try making new friends...etc....
We deserve to be in a relationship that makes us happier, that makes us feel safer and more secure. Love shouldn't hurt. PTSD shouldn't drag you down !
Take it one day at the time Nat, and remember he, only, can help himself, he has to want to get better and it can be done. He has a long journey to go through and if he is willing and wants you can go along with him. BUT it has to be good for both of you.
Take care of yourself, try to do things that make you happy !......And remember noone can make us happy but us. A relationship should enhance our happiness and wellbeing.
We have the choice to be happy or mope around crying and feeling sorry for ourselves and waiting for something that might never come again.
I chose to be happy again and slowly I will be !
Frankie
- Post starter
- #10
I want to thank everyone for their kind words, advice, and support. This is so hard... so hard. I pray everyday to just forget and to not cry and break down. I just can't seem to stop.
He is already out "dating" someone else. Gee that makes me feel awesome. I really wish that I didn't care and that he at least showed some sort of concern for me, but I get nothing but silence. It is so frustrating!!!
Some times I question why I am the one in counseling and why I am the one crying my eyes out. I am having a really tough time moving on because I got no answers and no closure. Was it my fault? I don't know. Why did he give up? I don't know?!
Is he miserable? Who knows? I have so many questions and no answers.
I feel like crap. I feel miserable. I just want the hurt to stop and I feel like I am getting no where. It is just so heartbreaking to see him turn into someone like this. I just want to be happy again!
Thank you for letting me vent!
He is already out "dating" someone else. Gee that makes me feel awesome. I really wish that I didn't care and that he at least showed some sort of concern for me, but I get nothing but silence. It is so frustrating!!!
Some times I question why I am the one in counseling and why I am the one crying my eyes out. I am having a really tough time moving on because I got no answers and no closure. Was it my fault? I don't know. Why did he give up? I don't know?!
Is he miserable? Who knows? I have so many questions and no answers.
I feel like crap. I feel miserable. I just want the hurt to stop and I feel like I am getting no where. It is just so heartbreaking to see him turn into someone like this. I just want to be happy again!
Thank you for letting me vent!
Hi Nat,
I understand completely how you feel.........My exbf also is seeing someone else...someone completely the opposite of me. Someone who is very controlling, manupulative, jealous, etc...She won't let him do anything....she checks up on him constantly. She also tells him that he shouldn't see his therapist or take his meds.....She says that she can "help" him. And I have heard he doesn't even love this woman. As a matter of fact, he has left several times but continues to go back to her !!!
Why did he choose a woman like that, a woman he doesn't love.......and left me ??? Why does he do this ? How and why has he come to this ? I will never really know the answers, I don't even think he knows. He is confused and there is nothing I can do !
I also had no closure the first time he left.........and some closure after our last weekend. I also cried and cried and blamed myself for everything that had happened. The same questions you are asking yourself, I have asked the same.......and it was so frustrating.!
It is not easy Nat, trust me, I know. I am making the efforts
to be happy again....and have accepted that the hurt is still part of me. However, it truly does get better in time.
There are still days, like today, where I become down and start crying for no reason at all .....but I quickly try to think of happy things !
Nat, don't blame yourself, you did nothing wrong, and you might never get the answers you need and want.
Remember, you will get better, you will be happy again.
We are strong Nat, I chose to be happy again, and I am slowly getting there, so will you !
Frankie :)
I understand completely how you feel.........My exbf also is seeing someone else...someone completely the opposite of me. Someone who is very controlling, manupulative, jealous, etc...She won't let him do anything....she checks up on him constantly. She also tells him that he shouldn't see his therapist or take his meds.....She says that she can "help" him. And I have heard he doesn't even love this woman. As a matter of fact, he has left several times but continues to go back to her !!!
Why did he choose a woman like that, a woman he doesn't love.......and left me ??? Why does he do this ? How and why has he come to this ? I will never really know the answers, I don't even think he knows. He is confused and there is nothing I can do !
I also had no closure the first time he left.........and some closure after our last weekend. I also cried and cried and blamed myself for everything that had happened. The same questions you are asking yourself, I have asked the same.......and it was so frustrating.!
It is not easy Nat, trust me, I know. I am making the efforts
to be happy again....and have accepted that the hurt is still part of me. However, it truly does get better in time.
There are still days, like today, where I become down and start crying for no reason at all .....but I quickly try to think of happy things !
Nat, don't blame yourself, you did nothing wrong, and you might never get the answers you need and want.
Remember, you will get better, you will be happy again.
We are strong Nat, I chose to be happy again, and I am slowly getting there, so will you !
Frankie :)
- Post starter
- #12
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