General How To Deal With Prolonged Shutout

[kaydee]

Hi everyone

Reading this thread is like reading the past two years of my life (scary).

I can relate to everything written here and maybe that is what has strengthened my resolve (what I need to do for me) but also make me fear how to go about the next step.

Briefly - I have been in a relationship for two years (brilliant the first 6 months and downhill from there), we have a business partnership as well (set up a year ago - yes successful)...fast forward...the latest "shut out" has been going for six weeks, although the relationship was put on the back burner we had been communicating okay about the business. Then "bang" - all communication back became aggressive & abusive. Her actions detrimental & hurtful. No real communication now for two weeks.

I have sat back (for weeks) and tried to assess what to do next, knowing whatever I choose will be "wrong".

BUT For me right now if I am honest with myself - I want closure, answers for me (relationship) and answers for the business (which is suffering badly).

I feel I have tried to communicate and find out where I stand (to no avail).

I have made the decision for me that I MUST move on.

I have been sitting thinking how to I put my decision into words that will limit the damage control and realized that I can only limit the damage to myself.

It still hurts knowing the stress I am about to cause my ex, I feel that even the attempt at communication will cause further crises for my ex.

I know I will not do this today BUT I will do it!

Meanwhile I will keep telling myself that :

- I am not a selfish person.

- I HAVE tried, I have failed, I have learn t, I WILL forgive myself, I WILL survive.

 

[TL05]

hi

Hi reading your story is so hard for me, i have know him for 2yrs but have only started to date him for 10 months. everything was going okay until august after he came back from some army training. He is more andmore distant, he says he's having a hard time connecting to me, but he wants to be with me, he loves me, etc.

I onlly have seen him a couple of times at his job, he calls me for like 5 minutes. he keeps telling me that he cant handle much rightnow. It hurst so much, i hope that you find peace and happiness.

the more he pushes me away the more depressed i get and themore my own issues start popping up

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum TL05 and I am sorry for your pain.

Unfortunately all you can do is make the best of this opportunity and deal with your own issues when they come up. You need to work on yourself first and foremost as that is the only thing you can control and change if you want to.

Take care and I hope things work out for you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear kaydee,

Only thing I can add is "you" didn't fail. And none of your responses are "wrong", you are feeling by his reaction (or lack of ) that it is because of you. That is not so.
And you didn't cause, can't control, and aren't to blame for his PTSD.

You have to take care of yourself and do what is best for you.

I wish you (and TL05, btw- hello, welcome) strength, clarity and help and support in every form. I also hope everything can work out for you both.

 

[enlightenme]

TL05,

I know that it isn't easy being shut out this way. Here's what I learned from my first shut out (now in the middle of my second in a year).

The more that I tried, the harder he pushed me a way because:
The harder I tried, the more upset I got when he didn't respond
The more upset I got the more confrontational/grumpy/sad I was, the less he wanted to talk to me or be around me.
The more he pushed me away the more I tried to talk to him and try to figure out "what I did".

It was when I stepped back and just let it be that he started to come back around. My veteran will still call me and talk to me on the phone, he gets more physically distant, he avoids coming around me or being around me. It totally sucks and it's no fun.

What I've learned from my shut outs is that my life goes on without him. The sun still shines, I still have people who love me, I am so loved - there is so much to be grateful for and while my life still goes on I still miss him. Send your love to him out into the universe, wish him good things, think good thoughts and say a prayer for him whenever you think about him. Above all else, know that *YOU* L05 will be okay.

I'm sending good energy your way today!!! :O) Thanks for the post, it's always comforting to know that I am not the only one.

Namaste,
nlitenme

 

[DrDanger1979]

To all you ladies who face the challenge of us guys with PTSD:

Bless you.

For your perseverance, patience, and kindness. We may not always say it, but the attention does help. (At least when we are not rejecting all human contact.) Feeling like you are worthy of being cared for is invaluable.

But the other words above are too true - don't forget yourselves while trying to help us. Make sure you stay close to the others who love you, who care about you. We are exhausting.

Again - bless you

 

[Frankie]

I have had compassion, perserverence, patience, kindness, love, understanding.........towards my exbf, but there comes a time when we have to say "enough" !!

For me it has come to that....3 shutdowns in less then 1 year have been more then enough....the last occuring very recently ! What frustrated me this time was his lies ! And I decided that I will not be made a fool of anymore.......I am not his yo-yo....when he is fed up with his "other" woman...he can write and contact me ? NO....

Funny, but this last betrayal brought a sense of relief for me.......I realized that this is not how I want to live my life. I deserve so much better. I have let go of "what was"..... I do now see "what is".

I am sorry he has PTSD....I really am, and I know he is confused and lost.......but he always had known that I would be there for him and support him. He chose to go elsewhere, even though he constantly told me that she was not good for him !

But, when he doesn't make the efforts to get well...when he continuously chooses another woman, when he tells me that he has to think of himself first........well, now I truly believe that I have to think of myself first too:)

I truly loved this man....but when you are betrayed over and over....love slowly dies ! I never thought it would happen to me...but it did ! I wish him well, I truly hope he finds happiness.....but it won't be with me !

What hurts now is that I have mentioned this "last episode" to a friend of mine....someone that made me laugh again, someone that came into my life when I was down....we talked and had so much fun and laughed so much ! ...And I am afraid I ruined this friendship...only because I can't keep my mouth shut :)

I regret telling him about what happened with my exbf....but I can't undo what I said....I just hope we can remain good friends !

What I truly want to get across here...is that as carers, each one of us will decide when enough is enough....no matter how many people tell us to move on, or to forget about our sufferer........if in our hearts we are not ready to let go...it won't happen ! I have decided now to let go and move on....and I feel much better about it :)

We have to decide on how we want to live our lives, and I decide to live happily !

Frankie