How To Deal With Remorse?

[Philippa]

As the title suggests, I sometimes feel remorse, lots of it, from creating this situation of estrangement from my blood relatives, even knowing that it was the right thing for me to do and I had no other option after exhausting all other avenues.

All the people I have interacted with here and elsewhere who have done the same seem to have a sense of total freedom and glee from not having their family around them anymore, and I have felt that as well, but I still sometimes feel remorse and guilt...not necessarily regret, but remorse definitely, as though I have done something really wrong and unnatural.

I'm wondering if anyone in my situation has felt, or sometimes feels the same thing? I want to feel like I am not the only one here.

Before I made this decision, I remember loving my parents so much, and feeling like anything my family did to me I would be willing to put up with, because I loved them so much and "they are family" so I just have to put up with it.

My feelings on this matter changed over the years, and the more things they did that were completely inconsiderate of my feelings, and damaging to my person. It slowly eroded all my former affections for them until I hated them beyond a shadow of a doubt, and even wanted to kill them at various times.

I still sometimes worry that I have done something so terrible, and that not being around them now that they are old, and the thought that my father has died and I missed the funeral because my phone died, or I wasn't reading their messages, is a total 180 to what I had formally felt. I don't know if I can live with myself if that has or will happen, and it's enough to make me consider calling them...and my mind spins back into this spiral of thoughts that the emotional abuse I suffered isn't enough to justify doing this to them. I flip back to thinking about their feelings, when they have never considered mine.

Is this normal? Everyone else seems to manage quite fine without their family, and without feeling bad about it. I guess I'm needing some reassurance right now, so please, people just telling me to stop beating myself up isn't going to help. I know that is needed, and if it were that easy I would have stopped doing it by now.

I don't mind being challenged to think in new ways, or given practical ways to deal with the remorse, but advice isn't what I need right now as much as empathy. I'm really struggling with it, and I guess the eostre holiday did not help things much, knowing that most people were with their family.

I did get a chance to spend some time with my new family and tribe, so I am grateful for that, but I've been having some pretty emotional memories come up where I am a baby again being cradled in my mothers arms, and feeling her love and thoughts and feelings towards me...which were very different to how I felt her change towards me as I grew through my teenage and young adult years.

If you know that empathy isn't your strong point, then please refrain from commenting, as that is what I am mainly needing right now. Thanks in advance.

 

['91 Girl]

I also feel like that. This mixture of sadness and self-blame that makes me wonder if things would have been different. I don't really have an answer as to how to deal with it. But I do know I am better for the separation, and it has helped me grow to be out of that environment. Yes, they are "family" but they are also abusers. And regardless of family ties, I can't associate with abusers. I do relate, though.

 

[The Albatross]

Remorse can be a big stick I pick up and beat myself with... or it can be a cue to self examine and perhaps change my mind or alter the course of the trajectory of my life. I am choosing the latter more and more frequently, and am trying to keep it simpler. If I feel the sting, but decide not to change course... I have reaffirmed a decision. I keep reaffirming the decision when the thoughts/feeling crop up until the internal dialogue subsides. It takes time and consistency.

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou both for replying.

Usually when I feel remorse I am urged to want to fix the situation, or apologize to the person, but in this case I don't think I have actually done anything wrong in giving myself the space to heal without people who aggressively undermine any attempt to without knowing what they are doing around me. So it confuses me as to why I am feeling this, and I have asked myself if it is even my own remorse, or if it belongs to THEM?

I have often found myself taking on the feelings of other people, even if they are not even in my life or area anymore. I am still learning to turn off empathy or at least to stay within my own feelings without becoming enmeshed with anyone elses. I don't know that I have the knack of it yet, but I think I have definitely improved.

I agree with you Alba, that it is an opportunity to self-examine so I will see what journaling produces? I've been putting it off, and I suppose I am a bit scared of what may turn up, though I know from past growth spurts that it is usually not as scary as the anticipation of what may be revealed can be.

 

['91 Girl]

For me, it's remorse about what could have been. I could have had a better family life, I could have had more loving parents, etc... And a part of me wants to continue to try to find that. But by separating, I am giving up on that opportunity, and this is what brings remorse.

 

[Philippa]

I was just watching a you tube video by an american therapist Peter Gernac, who offers a new, radical insight into what is commonly coined as "emotional abuse". He claims that unless it is imposed on a child, it is not actually 'abuse' but actually aggression!

I am also hesitant to use the word abuse, as it has been so over-used by so many people it can have the effect of watering down the word until it loses it's meaning, and becomes nothing more than another buzzword. I don't like to refer to how my parents treated me as abusive, as I know that most of the time they were unaware of what they were actually doing, though deep down I believe they do actually know that it hurts me and that they are minimizing the effects of their behavior.

I know it stems from their own patterns and how they were treated as children, so even though I have used the term 'emotional abuse' to describe my own experiences with them, I have noticed that what peter gernac said does make some sense in that using the word 'abuse' to describe how you are/were treated can have the effect of causing the person to become stuck in victim mentality...which is something I vehemently wanted to avoid at all costs during my late teens. I feel like I have slipped into though, or did for a while. I'm not sure if I am still stuck in it now?

 

[The Albatross]

Decision making is a good practice and can give more resolve than I at times possess. The sticky thing is another thinking pattern where I habitually reopened or revisited the decision... like opening a scab or blister before the wound heals. That would be a cautionary tale. Decisions can be revisited, but I have to be clear of my motives and it helps if I am in a place were I have demonstrated some time and consistency to the character I would need to "open that can of worms" again. Like for me with my mother in law:

Can I accept her for who she is?
Can I be helpful without being controlling, manipulative or resentful?
Do I have enough patence?
Do I have enough boundaries?
Do I have enough communication skills?
Is my spouse supportive of me in this effort?
What is the benefit to both her and myself if I reopen a relationship with her?
Do I have any ulterior motives?
Do I trust myself to try to rejoin this relationship?
Can I stay in the moment and attempt this free from wants/needs/expectations or desires?

(that sort of thing). Hope it helps.

 

[Philippa]

For me, it's remorse about what could have been. I could have had a better family life, I could have had more loving parents, etc... And a part of me wants to continue to try to find that. But by separating, I am giving up on that opportunity, and this is what brings remorse.

I see.

This is different to why I feel remorse I think.

Maybe I need to examine it more, but I thought I was feeling remorse for abandoning them while they are now older people, and knowing that they are also wounded children who are in denial of their wounds. It is not good for me to be around them, and I needed to take care of myself, but a part of me feels terrible that I cannot just be tougher or have a thicker skin to be able to shrug their crap off and not let it affect me. Also that my no contact has no doubt caused them to worry, which we are taught means that they care. I know they don't really care though. Control isn't caring. They are just operating from programming of what parents are supposed to do.

But really, I have said before to other supportive people, the way my parents have behaved towards me the last 20 years, I wouldn't really want to be friends with them if they were just people who were not my parents. I would not want anything to do with them most likely.

 

[The Albatross]

With my own parents and mother in law and my brother... I categorized their treatment of me as "displaced aggression". I wrote it off as the two families cycle of dysfunction and then cultivated what I needed in my character to withstand and set boundaries, define in my mind my role in my rejoining the relationships. My brother is the last one now that I have elected to rejoin.

 

[Core]

So it confuses me as to why I am feeling this

To me it seems normal to feel guilt about cutting contact, especially when they're old and you fear they'll die without having you in their lives. I've cut contact with half my family, and though it's the healthiest option, I do fear that my grandparents will be sick or pass away, and I won't say goodbye, visit them or attend their funerals. Have you been shamed a lot for not being considerate enough? (No need to answer that, just that I'd imagine it contributing to what you're feeling/thinking now.)

We're often taught that blood relatives are so important, and abuse victims are often taught that they're responsible for others' feelings - it's no wonder then, that keeping out of touch is difficult. I realize it's very hard for you to stay with this view, but I do think you have sound reason for not talking to them - you are protecting and taking care of yourself the best you can, you're taking responsibility for your own well being. I'm sorry this isn't more helpful, but I do feel for you.

 

[Philippa]

I seem to be the same Alba, in the way I tend to reopen scabs before they have healed. I had a lover years ago who told me this and I didn't see it at the time.

 

[The Albatross]

For me, it's remorse about what could have been. I could have had a better family life, I could have had more loving parents, etc...

With all due respect Girl, remorse is " a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs : self-reproach". What part of "what could have been" do you feel your part was? The correct application of remorse is to guide myself away from guilt or shame inducing consequences, and toward life situations that are satisfying and comfortable to be in. Sort of like letting my "conscience be my guide."