How To Deal.

[The Albatross]

Hah, funny you said "turn a big ship around". A metaphor I bumped into had a captain of a ship with a whole bunch of monsters on board. Every time the captain would try to steer the ship to port or his desired destination, the monsters would act up, growling and threatening the captain and he would cave and turn the ship back out to sea. (If you want I could dig it up for you, I'm not at all sure if it was Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, ACT or something else). The thing is, at some point the captain realized that he could not continue sailing aimlessly about in circles wandering the open seas, at some point he had to get to port.

He committed to a plan of action and steered back toward his chosen destination and let the monsters scream, howl, meanace him, and threaten him. He was scared and uncomfortable but he had set his course and kept his hand on the wheel no matter what. Eventually he realized that in spite of the commotion, the monsters could not actually physically harm him in any way.

He endured all the commotion, the uncomfortability, the fear and anxiety and did indeed make it to his destination.

That little metaphor helped me quite a lot to be willing to endure or risk being wholly scared witless and uncomfortable for a finite time in pursuit of a "destination"/somewhere I want to go/something I want to achieve.

 

[I Can Do This]

Eventually he realized that in spite of the commotion, the monsters could not actually physically harm him in any way.

This is the key in my view! I was so driven by my fears - and it became an unconscious habit which is why it is hard to turn it around - that I actually believed they had mass to them. When I sat in therapy for the first time and let a fear come closer without resisting it, I was shocked because it dissolved completely. For some reason (perhaps childlike logic?) I thought my fears could hurt me - and seeing that they could not gave me my power and courage back to begin facing the rest of them.

Quaint - loving yourself, or forgiving yourself are actually very easy to do - we just weren't taught how and you may have erroneous beliefs about why you can't forgive yourself. Most people with PTSD are always looking for someone or something else to comfort us because we just don't know how. Loving yourself isn't about being "worthy" or not making mistakes - it is about the inherent divine source of your life and how you have equal power to anyone else that has ever been born to make your life what you want it to be.

Of course we always want life to be easy, happy and prosperous - but that isn't the way it works in this world, no matter how it may look. Keep putting one foot in front of the other - it doesn't seem like much but one day you will turn around and realize how far you have come. By that time - you "wouldn't take nothin' for your journey".

 

[quaintpapercut]

I appreciate your thoughtful responses - they help :)

He was scared and uncomfortable but he had set his course and kept his hand on the wheel no matter what.

This is the key isn't it? Every time things feel uncomfortable I always have to fight the urge to "abandon ship" or revert back to one of my old coping patterns . It's hard to feel like crap for such a prolonged period of time, even when you know its for the greater good.

Most people with PTSD are always looking for someone or something else to comfort us because we just don't know how.

Yes. See above re: wanting to revert back to old coping patterns. Except it wasn't comfort that I was seeking as much as it was something exciting or new to momentarily distract me. Anything that meant I didn't have to "sit" in the life that was mine. I had different containers or boxes that I would step in or out of whenever I needed as a means to manage my emotions.

it is about the inherent divine source of your life and how you have equal power to anyone else that has ever been born to make your life what you want it to be.

I believe that 100% ! And will advocate endlessly for the rights of the marginalized and oppressed. I still need to work on applying that same concept to myself though.

 

[JustBe]

we aren't present for most of our lives when we are dealing with childhood based PTSD. Even when we were there,

Exactly my experience.

We couldn't enjoy the moment

I have spent much of my life in thoughts about the past and in fear of the future - never really available to right now. My mind and its fears always took me somewhere else and I was never comfortable anywhere.

I think this may be why I still feel so detached from my life, past and present.

 

[Abstract]

How do you deal with the feeling of looking back on your entire life and realizing things were not what it appeared to be? Every relationship, decision and milestone examined for authenticy and noticing something tangible lacking. More specifically, a presence

Hi QPC,

I don't have a computer at present and can't read easily but saw this and wanted to respond.

People have answered in a different vein from that that occurred to me when reading you first post and in the context of the forum you are posting in.

This may not be what you meant at all but I very much relate to the above quote. My life does not belong to me. Or I don't belong with my life or past. Or that is how it feels. It does feel as if I was missing in a profound way. My awreness was missing too.

My understanding of everything was so limited in the past when it comes to anything related to myself that it astounds me. And that has only really changed in very recent years and I am 45. I never "thought" of things when they related to myself whilst being deeply in tune with others.

 

[quaintpapercut]

My life does not belong to me. Or I don't belong with my life or past. Or that is how it feels. It does feel as if I was missing in a profound way. My awreness was missing too.

Yes. Sorry you have experienced this as well. I go through alternating periods of it scaring the hell out of me, wanting so desperately to live my life moving forward and then wanting to go back to my old life and hating everything about this (this - meaning the whole process of trying to get "better").

 

[Abstract]

Quote: "I go through alternating periods of it scaring the hell out of me, wanting so desperately to live my life moving forward and then wanting to go back to my old life".

Yes.

 

[quaintpapercut]

Every relationship, decision and milestone examined for authenticy and noticing something tangible lacking. More specifically, a pressence. Of what I'm not sure. My instinct is to say my pressence , but wouldn't it be assumed that I was there considering they happened to ME?But they feel largely absent to me.

I've been doing some reading and I realize now that this is depersonalization. It's comforting to at least have a name for my experience.

 

[Red Feather]

I have the same issues. It's hard and I don't feel like I have enough power to fight it. And it seems I am only at the beginning.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I am only at the start as well. I don't know if I want to fight it as its pointless for me - it happens automatically and I've been doing it the majority of my life. I recognize it now as a serious defence mechanism, my mind protecting me from thoughts, feelings and situations that may be to overwhelming. I'm starting with recognition , paying attention to when I suddenly feel like I'm no longer present and trying to be mindful of how my experience changes.

 

[Abstract]

That is exactly what it is QPC - depersonalisation - and I relate a lot. I think identifying it and having awareness is a very important step. For me it was the start of an awakening. That awakening has been hard in many ways but I know it is progress.