How To Express Myself

[Heath]

Hi y'all!
I told my fiance when we first got together that I was crazy, that I had been diagnosed with multiple disorders. He told me that doctors were wrong. He says "I been around plenty of crazy people, you baby are not crazy"
I have been diagnosed with:
ADHD, Bipolar, PTSD, OCD, Social Phobia w/ Agoraphobic tendoncies, etc. etc.

He has seen, my PTSD "episodes" as I say. But everything he sees he makes excuses for,
You aren't ADHD, you're just energetic. You aren't bipolar, you're just moody. You're not OCD, you're normal. You are just shy, and don't like people. Now with my PTSD he says "It's normal, you been through trauma. Some people deal with it better then others"
No. That's the problem; I am not "dealing" with it. It's dealing with me!
I remember once (My PTSD is a matter of sexual abuse/rape) we were ..."together" and things were getting hot and heavy. I yelled at him "Stop! Please, you sick son of a b**ch! Leave me the *uck alone!!"
He stopped.... froze really. Instantly he drew up his hands, looked me in the eye and didn't say or do a thing. I instantly came out of it. Whatever it was I came out of it. I just started crying really hard. He says "Can I....?" I didn't know what exactly he was reffering to, but I said "yes, please" and he just held me, wrapped his arms around me and told me to cry, talk, yell whatever I wanted. I never felt so safe, he told me that he would never let anything bad happen to me again. I was better, I just lost my cool.
He still doesn't think it was PTSD, I was diagnosed 3-4 years ago. I don't have "proof"

He knows what had happened, but thinks its normal for all of this to happen, that it isn't a "disorder"

He deals with it better then I thought anybody could. He even asked if he could hold me. I mean, he is just great.
How do I get it through his sometimes thick skull, that it's PTSD not, "discomfort" .

 

[ktmarie71]

Your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful guy. However, I imagine it is frustrating and feels a bit dismissive to have him deny it. Maybe its not really neccessary to convince him. Do the things you need to do to be healthy and let him come to an understanding in his own time.
I think sometimes people love us so much that they dig their heels in against the truth. They just dont want us to be stuck in it. It is possible they think that if we dont label ourselves with it, then it won't be such a powerful force in our lives. If this is the case, it is well intended but maybe not all that helpful.
One last thought, maybe it is painful to him to think about someone hurting you so badly. You have been dealing with this for some time, I assume, and if you are like me, there is certain factual feel to what happened. For new people in our lives it is raw information and it is sometimes painful to hear.
I have to say his tenderness is impressive. I am glad you have that.

 

[ronin47]

His dismissal has nothing to do with you or your feelings being legitimate. That's not an uncommon train of thought, the skepticism around psychiatric diagnosis, especially when there have been multiple diagnosis'. I'll admit, I've been guilty of that plenty of times. I still roll my eyes whenever I hear people talk about depression and anxiety like they're diseases rather than emotions. When the mother of a girl I've been tutoring told the girl had ADD, I didn't verbally dispute that, but in my head I definately had my doubts. I listened to her description and thought, "That doesn't sound very 'disorderly' to me, that just sounds like a normal 10 year old."

Though frankly as I got to know her better through our sessions, while I still hold my doubts, I started to definately see why someone might think she had an attention disorder. :rolleyes:

But there are a lot of people out there who think that way. It has nothing to do with you, it's just their view of the world. Personally, I came to the realization that I tend to cling to labels on myself. I want everyone that has even a moderately intimate relationship with me to know that I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I think I feel like I need the label to protect myself from emotional invalidation. People can't delegitimize my trauma and feelings if I can tell them, "The doctor said so."

On a side note; I could be wrong, but maybe it's his way of showing he cares. Him telling you that you don't have any problems might be him trying to say, "You're perfect in my eyes."

 

[freakofnurture]

I can empathise with what you describe. I need lables, too, to feel validated, and right now, someone withholding 'my' lables would feel invalidating to me, too.
Still, your description of your fiancé's behaviour makes him seem compassionate, empathic, considerate and validating. He seems to accept that you're suffering and that everybody would show your very symptoms in your situation. I don't know if you should hold it against him that he refuses to apply lables of pathology, disease, not-right-ness etc. to the goings on in your psyche.
I think ronin47 might be hitting the nail on the head there in that his non-labelling is an expression of valuing you just as you are.

 

[Heath]

Thanks to all of you! Sometimes I think it is, just that. He doesn't see anything "wrong" with me. But it does feel like he is trying to make a horrible situation sound like it was nothing. Perhaps in trying to help me. Make me feel the way he does to make me not "think" of it, or more so a "mind over matter" type of thing. I am not really sure. I mean, he is very supportive, and just.... perfect to me, in every aspect. I love this man with all I have. He feels the same. I just feel like he is down grading the situation. He knows what how it happened but.... idk maybe he has to come to terms with it... Maybe he is dealing with the pain as well? And won't come to terms that it has such a huge impact on himself? Does that make any sense?

I think each of you were right with some of everything you said.

Ronin47, """"maybe it's his way of showing he cares. Him telling you that you don't have any problems might be him trying to say, "You're perfect in my eyes." """""""" (I don't know how to do those quote thingys)
I believe that ... but I don't think that's all of it.

Ktmarie71 """""""I think sometimes people love us so much that they dig their heels in against the truth. They just dont want us to be stuck in it. It is possible they think that if we dont label ourselves with it, then it won't be such a powerful force in our lives. If this is the case, it is well intended but maybe not all that helpful."""""
I had this idea from the beginning but, Im not sure if he is trying to say "down play it" to make my head stop "making" these issues.

Freakofnuture """""Still, your description of your fiancé's behaviour makes him seem compassionate, empathic, considerate and validating. He seems to accept that you're suffering and that everybody would show your very symptoms in your situation."""""""
He does accept it, he understands, he recognizes he just wont label it I guess. He is very stubborn to say the least. A lot of times I will have to tell him his skull is just too thick and he needs to be a little more open. :) but I don't feel "Normal"
He tries emphasizing that I'm "Normal" I don't feel like that. I don't feel like I am very normal at all. I don't know any other people that have gone through anything similiar, so I don't know how other people react or manage. But I know this doesn't feel normal. And He says he accepts me for who I am, but it's like he doesnt quite grasp the full aspect of who I really am.

I tend to explain things in circles, please pardon my scattered mind.