I think it's hard to challenge cognitive distortions and believe, without going through the long process above. Because sometimes we 'know' those things, that we are supposed to think and believe in response. But still get no where. It's easy to identify cog distortions, not so easy to believe/ trust.
Thanks @Movingforward10 :)
I wanted to add that as a child who grew up in a family like that, I have internalised these messages. So not only am I very sensitive to outside criticism for failure or praise for success, but I do it to myself too, internally. "Yay Sophy! Well done! You rock!" if I do something well and "Ugh, you suck Sophy! Why do you always mess stuff up!" when I fail at something.
So that means my self-acceptance is conditional, based on the conditional model I learned as a child.
I think if I can get my inner dialogue around success and failure to be non-conditional, then I'll feel far more immune to the ups and downs of success and failure.
Because contrary to what many of us like to believe, success and failure isn't something we can simply "achieve".
Often success and failure are dependent on external things that are good luck/ bad luck.
If I have trouble learning to read, because I'm dyslexic, then that's bad luck.
If I have a teacher that explains reading to me well and I excell at it, that's good luck.
If I have a teacher whose teaching style doesn't suit my learning style at all and therefore I don't do well, that's bad luck.
In Western socities, we love to buy into the myth that success and failure is about what we do right and what we do wrong.
Rich people like to kid themselves that they're rich because they did everything right and they deserve it.
Whereas, they're usually rich because they inherited money or had such a good start in life bought for them at good schools and good universities.
And equally, it's popular to blame poor people for their lack of success, assuming they must've "done something" to be afflicted by poverty.
Sure, a few people become rich by really hard work, and a few people are poor because they made poor choices they didn't need to make.
But the overwhelming majority of people are rich or poor by lucky or unlucky circumstances, not because they are responsible for their success or failure.
^ I'm not sure it always deals with a willful resistance, or satisfaction or fear of change. Dr. Paul Gilbert said those with that problem actually lacked self-compassion, if I remember correctly.I guess it depends mostly on if you really want to change them.
I think you deserve a lot of credit. I think it's good to remember for many trauma begets more trauma, and more so than luck it's a cascade of consequence. Also for many, independence has been the only option, regardless of outcome, and basic survival is the 1st hurdle. I'm not sure that people who have never had anything but independence as the option see themselves as more resilient or successful?there was very little good luck.....mostly hope that things had to be better, and that I could become independent...... and tons of hard work and doing without all the frills.