How To Get Your Significant Other To Understand

[Abeille]

I am engaged and while my fiancee is very helpful and understanding, I wish he could understand more. I have asked him to join this forum and he will be (tonight most likely). As of right now, I have told him all the symptoms I have, and he is very compassionate, but he just doesn't understand. He doesnt understand how I can feel them touching me and how I become physically unable to move. I need him to understand it, and I know he could never fully understand what I am going through just like I can never understand what another person with PTSD is going through, but I would really like him to be able to understnad just a little bit more then he does. Just a little bit more would make me happy. Can any of you give me ideas for ways to help him understand more what it is like?

 

[Nicolette]

Can I ask how do you expect someone with no comprehension of what it is like to go through what you went through to be more understanding and how are you going to determine that? How much is "just a little bit more"?

See, as a Carer, it took time watching, reading and participating on this forum to get some grip on all of this and then I had to try different things with my Sufferer to see how they worked based I what I thought. It is not something someone can just sit down and tell you about and it 'all makes sense' and you will automatically 'act in the most appropriate understanding way'. It took me a good year to get my head around the basics and now, three and a half years later I usually act in the best way for my Sufferer but sometimes, if I am having a bad time, I stuff up as my emotions over-ride my sense of logic as they can do with women. You also need to remember you are dealing with a man who has a different genetically make up so while as a female who has been raped I can automatically empathize with "I can feel them touching me" I honestly believe this would be a little harder for a normal male to get his head around unless himself molested.

I respect this is the Sufferer's area but I am just offering a Carer's perspective for you to consider.

You have to work on this together and it's about both your behaviors and understanding.....I hope you have that in mind.

 

[Abeille]

I do not expect it to automatically make sense to him. I doubt it will ever really make sense to him. I just want some way, I want something I can do to maybe help him understand and help me in the process. I know it is not going to happen right away, but I hope and know that one day, he will understand more than he does now. I just need to help him help me, and I was hoping that the people here might be able to help give me some ideas, some support, something....

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think two things. First I agree with Nicolette, in that time will be your best friend as far as your BF understanding of your issues. The more time and information he has, the better off he will be to help you, or at least find it easier to understand you more. Although he won't ever totally *get it* he will have a better understanding of what you are going through.

Secondly....You need to be able to help yourself to handle your trauma, and by doing so, you will lessen your flashbacks. Working on facing your trauma, and healing it is the only way to do this.

Good luck.....

 

[Nicolette]

The only thing that helps is to try and explain why you do something, let them know when you feel you are getting 'sick/going to isolate' so they know not to take it personally, if you can't talk about something at the time try and explain afterward and politely tell us what we could do better, after an event so we don't unconsciously, make things worse for you without even knowing so. What might make perfect logical sense to you might be something we have not even considered in our part in assisting you.

My husband will, when sick, send me a text message telling me during the day, so at least I can prepare myself for:

1. not walking in the door after work and dumping my day on him when he can't cope
2. knowing he is unwell so mentally preparing myself
3. knowing that I might have to pick up the pieces eg cook dinner. As that way I walk in armed rather than knowing nothing and getting cheesed off that something wasn't done and taking the wrong approach.

The key is educating us to help you....you have to spell it all out the best you can and then teach us as we go along the journey with you.

 

[emmat]

Reading this I can't help thinking about an appointment I had a few months ago with my psychatrist. I was trying to express my frustration with not being able to get people to understand how I felt. We ended up having the following chat;

Me: *expresses frustration at not being able to explain how I feel in terms people that haven't suffered similar trauma will understand*
Dr: Can I ask why you feel the need to try to make them understand?
Me: Because I want a connection...
Dr: I would propose that you will never be able to make someone feel the way you do.
Me: Well, I guess. It's all subjective isn't it? I just don't know how to get them to take my pain seriously. They keep laughing it off or trying to suggest that it wasn't all that bad.
Dr: Do you think that by trying to project it onto them it'll help them understand? Do you really want them to feel that pain?
Me: No I don't. I don't want anyone to have to feel like that. I just want them to understand when it's hard for me I guess...
Dr: So you are trying to find a way to communicate with them?
Me: Yes. I think that's it. I want them to understand me. I want them to know when it's all too much. What triggers me and why.
Dr: Do you think making them feel pain is the best way to do that?

After that we embarked on a long discussion similar about how best to communicate my needs with my friends/family/fiance. In much the same way Nicolette wisely mentions above. It was after that I started to realise that my desperation to 'share my pain' was coming from elsewhere - I can't make someone else 'feel' how I feel. It's impossible. We are all limited by our own experiences. What I can do is communicate my needs so that those around me who care can provide me with the support I need. I can find ways of letting them know what I need and when on my good days so that when I send a text or give the signals on a bad day they can be there. Since that started happening I lost a lot of my desire to try and make them feel my pain.

Best of luck on this hard journey.

 

[The Sentinel]

I agree with Emmat on this matter. My biggest challenge is to create an understanding where my significant other can understand my needs (insomuch as he knows more about the disease and can comprehend the reasons behind them) and hopefully be able to meet at least the important ones. I don't expect him to feel the way I feel or know exactly how I feel, in fact I really don't want him to know how, exactly, I feel because that'd mean he had to be there.

I think our challenge is to not want to dramatize it and try and go in and say "See! This is what it's like to feel this!" That's leading us down the path to becoming abusers which is the last thing we really want to do. But it'd be so easy to fall into that since it's what we know. Now, I'm not saying, of course, that you are an abuser. I'm just trying to possibly give you some awareness.

 

[Nicolette]

IMHO.... Brilliant post emmat!