Relationship How to get through to him?

Freida

Sponsor
She told me that EMDR therapy can already change things within 6/7 sessions
please don't count on this.
yes - emdr can work within 8 to 12 sessions on trauma. But that's on ONE trauma. Because emdr is about changing how you think about events - but to get there you first have to relive it. And if you have multiple traumas you may have to do each one individually

One of my lesser traumas was about getting caught in a riot and abandoned by the responding officers. EMDR helped me see that the officers were actually giving me time to get my battle off the bridge and get to safety. THAT memory -- just that one - took about 6 sessions and it was a pretty non-event trauma. Only a few nightmares, only a couple really bad days.

but the rest?
no where near as easy

I've been doing weekly emdr for almost two years and I'm still not done. Some days it's easier than others and some days it is a nightmare that makes me suicidal for days. So if you are hoping for a quick fix you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

My question here is: would you have appreciated it if somebody texted you after your emdr just to to let them know they are thinking of you??
It really depends on how bad the session was. Sometimes yes, it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. Sometimes no - it will push me over the edge. And I have no idea how it will affect me until it happens. I tell my supporters to let me contact them, not the other way around

You have to understand that the "normal" way to comfort someone (letting them know you are there, hugs, attention, etc) may not work with ptsd. Because ptsd is almost always based in a violation of trust of some kind or another. Then to top it off EMDR makes you remember what happened the last time you were stupid enough to trust someone. And that sucks. :(
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
He was even talking about moving in with 2 female friends to split the renting cost

This sounds like a smart plan. He lost his job and now because of Covid-19 he's having a hard time finding a new one. Reducing cost of living is smart right now. It doesn't mean he's trying to replace you. It means he's trying to reduce cost of living.

And I'd advise to give him space. At least for me, when I ask for space, the more you don't give it, the further I push you away. Until, I push you away completely out of my life. I don't know if that's true for him but he's asked for space. I'd respect that.
 

Rosan1507

New Here
This sounds like a smart plan. He lost his job and now because of Covid-19 he's having a hard time finding a new one. Reducing cost of living is smart right now. It doesn't mean he's trying to replace you. It means he's trying to reduce cost of living.

And I'd advise to give him space. At least for me, when I ask for space, the more you don't give it, the further I push you away. Until, I push you away completely out of my life. I don't know if that's true for him but he's asked for space. I'd respect that.

I know money wise it's smart, but it hurts. I don't think he needs a lot of space anymore. the first 2/3 weeks he needed that, but he is texting me and he asked me to meet next week to hang out. I will wait for him to contact me, so i'm giving him space, but there is contact ;) I notice difference in his behaviour after his first emdr. He needs more space now, so that's fine.
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
I know money wise it's smart, but it hurts. I don't think he needs a lot of space anymore. the first 2/3 weeks he needed that, but he is texting me and he asked me to meet next week to hang out. I will wait for him to contact me, so i'm giving him space, but there is contact ;) I notice difference in his behaviour after his first emdr. He needs more space now, so that's fine.

Mixed signals. That's gotta be confusing!

For the roommate thing, maybe remembering that he's likely doing it to reduce living expenses right now. Not necessarly to replace you. He doesn't have to be sleeping with his roommates, ya know? Maybe that'll help the hurt? I know it hurts but I'm wondering if framing it that way will help some?
 

Rosan1507

New Here
Mixed signals. That's gotta be confusing!

For the roommate thing, maybe remembering that he's likely doing it to reduce living expenses right now. Not necessarly to replace you. He doesn't have to be sleeping with his roommates, ya know? Maybe that'll help the hurt? I know it hurts but I'm wondering if framing it that way will help some?
It's very confusing I know he still cares about me and the love is somewhere deep inside...Let's hope it will come back again :)

I know deep down inside it's because of the money, but...it's also with a friend he is now seeing a couple times a week. I know there's nothing between them, but it hurts he is seeing her more than me right now...She knows nothing about his problems, so she is save, so I also look at it like that..but still :)
 

Rosan1507

New Here
He is still distance with texting, no kind or loving words..or asking how i am doing :) So I'm not getting my hopes up high, but I'm just staying in his life on the sideline...and who knows. I have given myself a couple of weeks to see if something is improving...
 

Mytime

MyPTSD Pro
@Rosan1507 I respect your decision to see where the relationship goes. I hope within that time you work on yourself. Getting yourself in a good place to set boundaries and to know and understand your boundaries. Learning to not take things personally and having a plan in place for yourself and your emotional needs. Because in a PTSD relationship there could be many times where you can’t turn to your partner for that support. I do hope things work out for you?
 

Rosan1507

New Here
@Rosan1507 I respect your decision to see where the relationship goes. I hope within that time you work on yourself. Getting yourself in a good place to set boundaries and to know and understand your boundaries. Learning to not take things personally and having a plan in place for yourself and your emotional needs. Because in a PTSD relationship there could be many times where you can’t turn to your partner for that support. I do hope things work out for you?
Yeah I reached out to a therapist only she couldn't really help me at this point. Was very disappointing...If we were in a relationship, I definitely want to go to a therapist, because I see it isn't easy. I'm reading books about ptsd, to try to understand it more and more :) I know that the man I'm seeing right now, is not the man I saw before. So I'm telling myself every day: this is the ptsd, not him.
 

Mytime

MyPTSD Pro
I would look for a different therapist. Just because your not letting go of the relationship, doesn’t mean you can’t work on yourself. Yes you can’t work on the relationship, but you can work on yourself. Understanding how you can change the way you see, feel and deal with things in your life can make a big difference in how you see, feel and respond in any of your relationships. I probably wouldn’t still be married I’d I did go to therapy for me.
 

Rosan1507

New Here
I understand what you guys are saying, I didn't express myself correct. Ptsd is never gone, he has to live with it and learn what his triggers are/can be. He need to listen more to his body, because he was always busy and never took a step back.
Our honeymoon phase was already over after 4 months, because thats when the stress at work and the restless nights started. But emotionally numbing was only the last month, he couldn't deal with all the stress anymore. So true: ptsd is a part of who he is, but I'm confident he will find a way to live with it.
 
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